Husband was inappropriate with his sister

I have a question about a topic that has been troubling me for some time. My husband and I have been married almost two years, no children as of yet. We are very happy together and he is a loving, devoted husband and my best friend. A few months ago my husband opened up to me about a memory he believes he had been repressing from his childhood.

When he was 10 years old he and his 4 year old sister were playing house by their family pool in their swimsuits. As they were pretending to be "Mom and Dad" he said moms and dads got naked together and then he proceeded to (very briefly) expose both himself and his little sister by pulling aside their swimsuits. Nothing else happened, there was no touching, and he forgot all about the incident until years later. He was only 10 at the time, so I would like to chalk this up to an innocent young boy just beginning to try to make sense of the sexual side of life, but I don't know. Is this something I need to be concerned about? If so, what can I do? I can't imagine not trusting my future children around my own husband. Please advise me in this area. I don't feel comfortable reaching out to either of our families about it as it's so personal and my husband was very upset by this memory (he was in tears as he told me and it took a lot of effort for him to finally come out and say it).

Any input would be most appreciated.

There is a reason that the majority of laws and rules regarding age and knowing right and wrong specify ages around 16-18 as the limit. Ultimately, science and society view that only adults should be held completely accountable for their actions.

Your husband was 10 years old, not even into puberty. Both he and his sister were mentally, physically and emotionally immature so why would you think that their acts would accurately reflect his character at 20/30/40...? I mean if we considered every person who took off their clothes as a child and ran around the house to be an exhibitionist, nudist or pervert....we'd all likely have that label.

I am sure that this memory he has brings him so guilt feelings as an adult, because viewing the situation from adult eyes...he feels he did something wrong. The thing is...as a child, there was nothing wrong. As children, we are all innocent....we are curious, we explore...we experiment, we get hurt. In this case, no one got hurt and the two were likely curious about what made each other different.

I think that your husband needs to work on removing the guilt he seems to be feeling, as it is likely a bit unhealthy. He shouldn't apply adult morals and judgements to events at 10 years old. He needs to work on accepting his childhood, with all the experiences that it included.

Great answer Bixkf

Thank you for your thorough reply, bixkf. I honestly had put this incident behind us after he first told me about it several months ago and neither of us have spoken of it since. The main reason it is in my thoughts lately is because of a certain story that has been a big deal in the news lately about molestation cases. I couldn't help but be reminded of this and wonder if it was something I'm supposed to reconsider before starting a family.

The other reason I was hesitant to pass it off as innocent childhood curiosity was that my husband seemed to (in my opinion) develop a sexual appetite and curiosity at a young age. He also was exposed to a lot of things from neighborhood kids, etc, that I never had a clue about in my own childhood. I just had to ask the question, why was he exposing himself to his little sister at nearly 11 years old, and then finding himself addicted to pornography not that much later? Seems like a really short window between "complete innocence" and a sexual understanding. I don't know, I'll admit I don't have a lot to reference in regards to these situations as I lived a very innocent life my entire childhood and held on to my "naive" view of the world for a long long time.

I think this act was out of childhood innocence. My brother and I took baths together, and once when I was four and he was two I yanked his "wee-wee" because it looked like a "doorknob", as I recall, and to see what would happen. I think it's natural for brothers and sisters to be curious of each other's bodies during childhood. Not sexually, of course, but because we have different parts and at that age we are curious about everything.

I think your husband is regretting it because he now with maturity he realized that what he done was inappropriate, but what little kid at his age should have known better? I think he also may think of this as abuse because he was the big brother who should be protecting his little sister, and that's normal. There were times where I think about my childhood and wishing I had done more to be a good big sister and protect my little brother, but most of my childhood I was a bit of a bully and very selfish, always trying to be first and get the better toys and the attention.

Your husband's incident, in short, is very common, and very normal. Nothing to feel guilty about, though the guilt should rest with your husband, and your husband alone. Don't push him to talk about it, or hold it over his head. It would take more than one innocent childhood experience to make him an irresponsible father. I don't know the relationship between your husband and his sister, but whether they are close or not could be a reason that he suddenly began to worry. If it really bothers him, encourage him to join PC or see a counselor, but I don't see this to be something to be concerned of.

Yep! Perfectly normal.

It could be innocence and most likely is but there is more to the story with the porn addiction.

The porn addiction ( if that is possible at that age without him being a victim of sexual abuse) so young has me wondering if something was happening to him inappropriately around that age. I think your instincts are right.

I think since it is still bothering him, perhaps there is more bothering him that he doesn't realize, that maybe he should see a therapist about this.

I grew up with a few friends of the same age who were being sexually abused when I knew them but didn't know it until many decades later when they told me. I do remember their almost obsession with sex and how it works. ( like elementary school age.) They had forgotten or suppressed the memories of abuse for many years. I think they were acting out what was happening to them with other kids probably trying to figure it all out. Sex was normal to them at that age. But it WASN'T normal, something was happening to them at that young age.

It could be nothing, but since it is still bothering him (which is a clue it could be something more), a T could help him either way.

I would say with this added information that there was definitely something more going on in his life (maybe with the kids in the neighborhood only....but who knows). Don't think it was that innocent though he might not have really understood what was really going on in his whole surrounding life at that age.

I grew up in a neighborhood of all boys.....& remembering back, there was a boy across the street that tried to remove my pants.....he regretted doing that because I fought him....that's what he got for trying to mess around with a tom girl. I never said anything to anyone at the time....but found out later on that there was a lot of sexual abuse going on in his family.....he had 3 older sisters & they were all definitely messed up.

You don't get the interest in porn at an early age if it doesn't come from somewhere & having been introduced to it somewhere. Sounds like he's got a lot of STUFF to sort through & put into proper perspective & make sure where he's REALLY coming from at this point in his life......if the porn has been put in the past along with everything else & your marriage is just between you two, then you really don't have a problem now....but he needs to process the things that went on in his past & set his values appropriately. Just because you have done something in the past, but it's no longer a part or problem in your life....then removing the guilt is a lot easier....but if there are still things following him into the NOW....then there needs to be some work done & you need to know exactly WHAT his values are NOW. Very wise before bringing a child into the picture. Honestly I would rather be safe than sorry when a child is being considered....you have a right to know what his values & thoughts are NOW so that you don't end up constantly on guard once a child becomes part of your family.

Wow I can't believe you put this poor man's pain on the internet, he was 10. I'd be upset if I found out about that and that you even thought about considering reaching out to his family if I were him. Yeah, if was kids doing what kids do, they probably caught a glimpse of something adult oriented and tried to reason it out. And btw, guys get addicted to porn not too much later after 10, like once they hit Jr. High. We're girls, we're preoccupied w/ other stuff besides our genitals at that age. Boys start having uncontrolled erections from around 11-12 and then proceed to chronically masturbate. I don't know why you weren't exposed to sex where you came from, maybe you were in a super small town. Although this is not typical, his behavior was not malicious.

Oh, and he needs you as a beacon for support, not judging him, or being suspicious. He probably feels just disgusting now as an adult for what he did to his baby sisteer,not realizing he was just a kid, and not full of good judgement skills and reasoning.

And one more thing, please do not have kids. You're not ready. If you can't figure out the brain of the man you married, you'll never be able to handle the beast the call a teenager.