What to do about potential relationship, so confused!

This is going to be a long one.

So, I have a very real opportunity to have the first real, deep, intimate, romantic relationship of my entire life. With a girl I’ve been hanging out with for about a year now. Hell, we have pretty much been *dating* in all that time, just without the official relationship. We hang out almost every day, we go get food, we go see movies, we go to bookstores and videogame stores, we just lounge around and watch Netflix, etc.
We get each other, we really do. We can always talk to one another about anything. We’re on the same wavelength.
Also, it should be said, we’re very understanding of one another when it comes to sex. We’re able to openly talk about sex, the things we like, the things we don’t like, and what we’re curious about. We’re able to have those conversations with one another comfortably, which is pretty cool.

Here’s where things start to get complicated. We’ve done some sexual experimentation with one another a handful of times before. This is something we both decided to try because I was (and very much still am) in a period of my life where I am discovering and exploring my relationship with my own sexuality and sexuality in general.
It was a first for me, and it was scary. Scary because I’d never done anything of the sort before and scary because we were both afraid of the possibility that this would damage or change our friendship, which neither of us wanted. It all worked out in the end because we were careful and responsible. We had very open and honest talks about how we both felt, what our concerns were, what our boundaries were, etc.
I could write about that for ages. But to give a cliff-notes version we were both careful, we enjoyed ourselves, we were safe as we could ever be, and we both appreciated the chance to safely and comfortably experiment with one another. We were always concerned after about it having a negative impact on our friendship, but nothing ever came of it. Just a day or two latter we were back hanging out, playing video games, going to get coffee, with no awkwardness.

Maybe it was inevitable, but things have now taken a turn.

A week or so ago, this friend of mine brought up the subject. She said that the thought of us being in a serious relationship had crossed her mind and was curious to know how I felt about the matter. And that’s what’s got me writing this absurdly long post. Because I’m trying to figure out the answer to that question myself.
It isn’t as if the thought of the two of us really being together as a couple hasn’t crossed my mind. It crossed my mind the first night we got together to hang out. After all, we get along really really well. We like so many of the same things, we’re interested in to so much of the same stuff. We’re 110% comfortable and honest around one another. We’re at ease together. And honestly just jumping in and being a couple would make a lot of sense and make a lot of things easier. After all I wasn’t kidding when I said we were already practically dating. We hang out together just about every day we’re both at home.

Thing is; I’m worried, I’m unsure, I’m hesitant, and I’m scarred.

-I’ve never been in a relationship before, this would be my first one. That’s scary enough.

-She’s going to a different school than I am. She’ll be home for a few more weeks over the course of the next few months, but then we’ll be a very long way away from one another.

-She’s ployamorous. Let me be absolutely clear: I DO NOT hold this against her in any way. In fact, I think she’s brave and I respect her for being so comfortable and sure in her sexuality. But I would not be comfortable with this if we were in a relationship together. It would hurt me, a lot.

-She’s having a really rough time in her life right now. I mean, wow, I can’t even imagine. My friend has been trough some traumatic experiences over recent years. She is currently having to deal with, among other things: ADHD, major depression, anxiety disorders, trauma, and borderline personality disorder. Since we met, I have always made it a point that I am available to talk to, vent to, and look to for support, as I do with all of the people I care about. But at times, she can get pretty overbearing. I always want to feel that I am helping my friends when they are having a though time, but at times I feel like she makes me responsible for her mental health and well being, even if she doesn’t realize it. It gets pretty taxing at times.

-I’m very worried that she’d want to be in a relationship with me primarily for the sexual aspect. This is a huge no-no for me and worries me a lot. I am proud of myself for pushing my boundaries and exploring my sexuality by experimenting with my friend. I’m proud of both of us for being as safe and consensual as two people can possibly be. But it’s still very much new territory for me, and I’m still figuring out how I feel about my own sexuality and how sex will fit into my life and who I am as a person. That’s why this is a concern for me.

-In our most recent bouts of fooling around, I brought my friend to orgasm, twice. This is significant in a few ways. For one, my friend has told me she is not accustomed to being the focus of sexual pleasure with her partners. She has told me the she has not reached orgasm with a partner in an extremely long time. It’s significant for me because it’s weird, really weird. Sex is something I’m so very new to, it’s something I’ve fought with, struggled with, and been afraid of my entire life. So to start dipping my toe into actual sexual activity and have someone tell me that I’m actually *good* at it is… strange. And a little disturbing to be honest as I’m still struggling to see myself as a sexual creature. I’m still unsure if I *want* to see myself as a sexual creature.

-To add a cherry to the top of this pile, my friend has some serious body image and self-esteem issues. Out friendship has been, as she puts it, the most positive relationship she’s ever had. I like her for who she is and that’s a good thing. But there’s a very distinct possibility that she is simply in an emotional and mental funk. A week or two form now she could work things out, and the notion of us being in a relationship together may not be on her mind at all.

I could go on. And I don’t like that. I hate thinking about this in this way. I don’t like reducing my relationship with this girl to a damn pros and cons list.
But I have to rant because honestly I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where to turn I don’t know what to think. At times I feel as if I’d be completely on board for a real relationship with this girl, other times I’m utterly opposed to the idea.
All I know for sure is that she’s really important to me as a friend and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. And I know that whatever I do, I want to do it for the right reasons and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

I don’t know if I’m really looking for suggestions or advice here, though I appreciate any and all that I get. I don’t see any right or wrong way to move forward, which is driving me nuts. Hell, I don’t know if too many people will read this whole thing. I just needed to get this all in writing.

End of rant.

Sorry you have such mixed feelings about your relationship. Have you talked to a therapist about this?

I sadly cannot afford Therapy at this point.
She has talked to her Therapist however and when last we spoke she said the two of them talked about it and she decided that I was, as she put it "The most positive relationship *she* has ever had." And that we'd approach the subject some other time.

And so I'm freaking out, trying to sort trough my feelings until said other time arrives

After having a couple of days for the immediate panic to subside I've had some time to think.

I know I really like this girl. We get along so well together, like each others company, and we just click on a fundamental level.
So, when we do meet up again, I'm going to do a few things.
Namely, I'm going to apologize. When she first breached the subject, the idea terrified me. As I said, I've never been in a serious relationship before and I was (and still am) scared of that kind of thing. I panicked. I told her that I didn't feel the same way and that I didn't think of her in that way. Which simply wasn't true.
I plan to simply tell her the truth. That I really like her, I'm willing to give a serious relationship with her a shot, and be honest about all the reasons I'm hesitant.

The two big ones for me are school and polyamory.

-If we do decide we want to go for it, she'll be home with me for maybe 3 or 4 weeks grand total. That's in between her going on vacations and attending summer school. After that, she'll be off to college again and I'll be staying and attending classes here. Now, it's not as if she'll be across the country or anything. In fact, she'd only be a little over 3 hours worth of driving away. Still, it's a matter of some concern to me.

-She has made no secret of that fact that she is polyamorous. Which, as I've said, I do not hold against her in any way. But I wouldn't be cool with it if we were in a relationship together, it would hurt me too much. I don't know how she'd take this. Sex is important to her and I admire that about her. But if that means that she'd want to have sex with others to fulfill needs that I can't or won't meet, then what happens?

Most importantly I don't want to loose her as a friend. We're both of us short on people who get us. We're both great for one another in that we are such good friends and we have such a positive healthy friendship. I'd hate for us to try and be more than friends and, if it doesn't work out, lose our friendship in the process.

if she wants sex with other people then its a no no unless you can deal with that. i would just stay friends. open relationships are not good unless you both are agreeable to it. I tried it and it was very hurtful and upsetting. it suits some but not others so dont force yourself to accept that if its not what you want

Been a while since I've been back on this site!

Well, my friend and I went for it. Being in a serious relationship I mean.
And it's been... an interesting couple of months to say the least. Interesting enough that i find myself coming back to this forum and this thread looking for advice if that tells you anything.
My friend-now-girlfriend and I have been having some serious issue over the past month or so and I'm really trying to think over what would be best for the both of us. I care for her deeply, and I want her to be happy. Thing is, I want to be happy as well. And while I don't mean to imply that being with her makes me unhappy, lately I've been thinking if we might not both be better off if we were again friends.
Again, I don't want to send the wrong message. I really, really, like this girl. And when we click, we click! It’s gross, really, how much of a power couple we are when things are working between us lol.
But there are a number of things I’m concerned about:

-The sex thing. IDK if anyone will recall, but I have struggled with my sexuality my entire life. This is been an ongoing journey of many, many years. And I expect that journey will continue for many, many more. My girlfriend is the first person I have ever had any kind of sexual contact with. And while I’ve progressed from absolutely freaking out of any kind of sexual contact to general being OK with sex stuff. I honestly… don’t care for it all that much. It doesn’t always send me spiraling into depression, anger, or self-loathing like it may once have done, but even in my best moments, I just feel like I could do without sex. Or at least, sex to the degree and frequency that my girlfriend wants it.
We have not yet done the actual deed, that is to say, we have not yet had intercourse, at my request, as I do not yet feel ready to take that step. We have, however, tried quite a few things short of that. Thing is, we do that a LOT. Like, every time we’re alone together. And I honestly don’t think I’m comfortable with that. I feel I’ve made a lot of personal efforts to make her happy on the sex front. I’ve done a few things for her that I usually wouldn’t be all that into. And I feel like that goes unappreciated.
Sex is important to my girlfriend. It’s a big part of her life and a big part in how she expresses herself and her relations and feelings for other people. She’s been incredibly respectful of my decision to hold off on actual intercourse, but all the same I can tell it’s frustrating for her.

As I mentioned in my original post, my girlfriend has made it quite clear that she is ployamorous. And again, this is not something I am against in the slightest. However, she is in a near constant state of back-and-forth on whether or not she’ OK with me being her sole partner. One day she’ll be totally OK with it, the next she may spring on me that she is feeling confined and miserable with only one partner with whom she cannot have intercourse with. Neither of us knew how this would play out if we got together, and it’s still an unresolved issue months later. At times it feels like either we can be together and monogamous and she’ll be miserable, or we can not be together and she’ll be free to embrace her ployamorous lifestyle and express herself the way that comes naturally to her. I don’t see too many other options. We’ve both expressed an interest in seeing a sex therapist about this topic. And while that’s a nice idea in theory, with both of us currently enrolled at different colleges, it’s a bit hard to put into practice.

-BPD. I have also mentioned that my girlfriend has borderline personality disorder, among a cocktail of other very unpleasant mental/emotional conditions that she’s dealing with at the moment. I have always, even before we officially got together, made it clear that I am available for her. I want to be there to support her, cheer her up, and help her out. But, as I also said before, at times it can feel like she exploits this. This hasn’t changed. If anything, it’s gotten worse.
When I went to visit on weekend, I found myself on an absolute rollercoaster of Mad vs. Angry, Content vs. Upset, Pleasant vs. Aggressive. One moment she’s hugging me and expressing how happy she is that we’re together; the next she’s snapping at me and saying things like, “We were a better couple before we were a couple.” Then, it’s right back around to happy again. And on and on it went.
This is my first serious intimate adult relationship. Her actions were confusing to me, and a bit scary if I’m being honest.
For example; my girlfriend can be a bit… pushy. She’ll ask me to do things that she could very easily do herself such as feed/walk her dog, take out her trash, go grab this or that from somewhere that’s simply a room away. You get the idea. I grin and bear it, usually not thinking much of it. But this was particularly bad during my most recent visit. As we got dressed to out to eat, she gave me this disgusted look at what I was wearing (Simple tan shorts and a light grey t-shirt. Nothing offensive, I promise you) and then asked if I was really planning to wear that. I said yes, of course I was, this was a casual outfit I wore quite often, so I was a bit baffled that this was an issue. She then proceeded to explain what my sense of fashion was deplorable, told me why it just didn’t work, and angrily berated me for not being sensible enough to see why the outfit looked stupid.
Perhaps I was in the wrong, but after completing many, many menial tasks for her without so much as a ‘please’ from her or a word of complaint from me, I felt the need to put my foot down. I told her this, upon which she became extremely sullen and bitter, expressed her need to have some alone time, which I granted. When she returned she was in tears. She weepingly told me that she felt I was disrespecting her and her feelings by not wearing what she wanted me to wear. I was pretty taken aback by this sudden emotional shift; I was confused as to why she was so upset. I politely told her that I did respect her feelings, very much so, but that did not mean she got to dictate which clothes I wore.
…upon which she rose, locked herself in the bathroom, and proceeded to draw, thankfully not actually inflict, cut marks on her forearm.
Did I mention that this is my very first relationship? I was terrified that such an escalation had occurred over me picking out my own clothes. Many hours latter we talked things over and we both calmed down a bit. All the same, I was rattled.
This happened a few more times over the course of my visit, though thankfully to lesser degrees. All smiles and happiness one minute, all bitterness and refusing to talk to me the next.

I feel as though I am constantly walking a tightrope between respecting my girlfriends feelings and wishes while at the same time maintaining respect for myself and standing up for me. And I hate feeling this way.

I honestly don’t know if anyone will bother to read this rant (if you do, thank you very much XD) and I certainly don’t expect anyone to have a magic solution to my problems.
But I have nowhere else to turn to talk about my issues.

I care, deeply, for this girl. I want her to be happy and safe and I want her to smile.
But I’m beginning to think that we might both be happiest as good friends. And we are very good friends. Hell, she’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had.
I knew at the beginning of all of this that she was too important to me as a friend to risk losing. And right now I feel like of we continue like this, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

App, I will not completely help on this as I didn't read your entire post, however, I have some insight. One it is not usually to get involved with a friend, not unless, it wasn't a "true friendship" to start with. Two after you have made love to a woman, it is hard to go back to just being friends. Talk it out, stick it out and see where it goes; you are both emotionally invested now, don't bail now. Communicate your thoughts, feelings and needs and listen to hers. I have tried to go from friends to relationship with a friend and I was glad she didn't want to because I was losing site of her personality traits that turned me off when we met, we were friends for a while. Then she came back with her true self and it got ugly. So just talk to her and don't run.

Just a general thought, but as people we tend to regret the things we don't do more than the things we do.

I would rather live with a broken heart than I lifetime of regret (actually I'm living with both, and to my cyber stalker you didn't break my heart get over yourself and get a life)