[purple orchid]

Since my husband found out he is infertile he doesn't want sex anymore.
This has as been going on for a few years now.
My husband went to a dr about his lack of sexual desire the dr said that there was nothing physically wrong with him and that maybe he should see a psychologist. This was years ago now.
He refuses to have any kind of therapy or see a psychologist.
I was in therapy for a few years to help me cope with my depression and on Prozac, so was also not very interested in sex.
Recently I have stopped the Prozac and have found my sex drive returning to how it used to be. I feel rejected by my husband, but he just says lots of people don't have sex anymore at our age. I'm 40 and we have been married for 20yrs.
I'm not sure I want to give up on sex forever.

Anyone been in a similar situation or have any suggestions?

[healingme4me]

My grandparents once had a book about sex after 60. Not sure I'm familiar with 40 year old men that declare having reached an age that men have stopped having sex. My oldest son was born soon after his father turned 40. Even a vasectomy after baby #3 didn't prevent libido...

I'm sorry that you are both completely incompatible in this situation.

Not sure, that I'd personally be able to cope with that, the rest of my life, but that's me.

[Mike_J]

Well my ex-wife's lack of libido was a large reason for our divorce. One of the few things we ever argued about. She never would even try to understand the physical intimacy is a huge part of a healthy relationship.

I wasn't ready go give up on sex forever either. I hate to sound vulgar but does he masturbate at all? If he won't go in for individual therapy how about suggesting marriage counseling? Though be warned my insistence on marriage counseling seems to have been the straw that broke the camel's back in my marriage and her asking for a divorce. Of course now I wish we would have split up sooner.

[eskielover]

Since my husband found out he is infertile he doesn't want sex anymore.

For some couples that would be a blessing & would increase their sex life because there wouldn't be the nuisance of having to prevent a unwanted pregnancy (even in a marriage).....I know after I had my daughter & my gyno wouldn't tie my tubes (he said that it would create problems later on...back in the late 70's)...I wouldn't let my H touch me until he got a vasectomy to make sure I would NEVER get pregnant again.

Turned out there was a lot more wrong with our marriage than sex issues from even before the wedding so looking back, it was rather irrelevant.....but didn't get it at the time. It didn't improve our sex life because of all the other issues but it would have given those issues hadn't been there.

Sounds like he's got some other serious issues going on like I did that are creating his lack of interest in having good marriage sexual relations. Marriage counseling might help, but it might also open up other issues that do need to be dealt with & that may not be solvable like mine weren't......turned out I should have never married H in the first place because of the issues I had with him that I wasn't even totally aware of at the time. I had no idea what a normal relationship was like because my parents didn't have one....so I had nothing to compare my situation with & I didn't understand what I was really feeling about the marriage situation I was in.....not enough to even know that something wasn't right.

When depression hit me just before being married 25 years, even all the psychologists & pdocs had no idea just how much involved in that depression was the bad marriage.....as it got covered up with the loss of my career which opened up the issues with the marriage because I could no longer hide out in my career......but none of us got that until I finally was able to leave the marriage 13 years later.

We had no idea all the underlying issues that were going along because they had become the norm of the relationship.....but it definitely effected all aspects of sexual feelings I had for him.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by purple orchid

I feel rejected by my husband, but he just says lots of people don't have sex anymore at our age.

That's just a cop out and not true.

Originally Posted by purple orchid

He refuses to have any kind of therapy or see a psychologist.

As old Dr. Phil says, "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge." You need to decide how important sex is to your relationship. If he won't budge and negotiate and get help, then you have to make a decision. And I can say that when one partner denies the needs of the other, then nothing good can come of it.

Something as an aside, I find it interesting that it was after finding out he was infertile. I wonder if he suddenly felt unmasculine and never recovered?

[purple orchid]

Thanks everyone for your replies.
Mike_J He is not interested in sex at all and no masturbation going on (as far as I know)
I don't want a divorce, just want to sort this out.
Webgoji This all definitely started when he found out he was infertile. Must be something to do with that.
I don't know how to get to the bottom of it on my own and he refuses any kind of therapy..
Any other infertile men out there, with ideas?

[Bill3]

You could go to therapy again, to help yourself deal with the situation and to be an example for him.