[dyinglove77]

I may have been born with depression. My mother cried throughout her entire pregnancy with me because doctors told her that I may be born with some sort of abnormality. But, throughout my childhood I was emotionless, barley smiled, and cried constantly. So who's to say there may have been some neurological damage. My parents are religious christians and they prayed hard to get through it.

Recently, I have been severely depressed. I have been depressed for a long time now but I just started being aware of it. After kicking a drug addiction Ive been able to open my eyes a lot more to whats happening in my life. Ive been on a mission to figure out whats wrong with me. I have issues with my body image I see myself as overweight so I starve myself. I try to accept my flaws but I cant help but feel ugly even on my prettiest days.. I have relationship issues, when my friends start having relationships with guys or meeting new friends I get really jealous and ruin our friendship. Ive lost all my friends and only maintained one friendship which i would like to describe as a codependent relationship. With guys I run away before any feelings start developing. I can never get too intimate and I find myself pushing away a lot. I hate when people touch me, i jump when someone does like it pains me. I can't stand being around people and I am easily irritated. I am very quiet and keep to myself. I know that I have social anxiety but it couldn't be the cause of all my despair. I have constant thoughts of suicide and I really just want alll of it to end. I know I have potential and am smarter than I lead on but I am too lazy to apply myself. For a year now I have been pushing everyone who tries to come in my life. Ive stopped talking to people for so long that i feel like I forgot how to speak and this is my first attempt at putting myself out there. I know I need therapy but I cant afford it so Im looking for some insight. I m sorry Im jumping all over the place but I need to let some of it out.

Now for my main concern. I always had this feeling that something happened in my life to cause such great dysfunction and I thought I was just born this way or its a result of a having a dysfuntional family. I dont want to create false memory. But, I have this brief memory of when I was a child being under the blanket in our parents room with my brother touching his penis and getting in trouble. I looked up symptoms of sexually abused children and I found that it all applied to what ive been going through in my life. I had a panic attack as I was reading about it. Could there be more to it? Could this have affected my life so much. I recall watching porn with him and being afraid of him being close to my younger sibling. I cant stop crying. I dont know what to do now or how to handle the situation. Im so embarrassed, I dont want to share too much but I have nobody to talk to.

[CANDC]

This is a difficult question to answer. A therapist that specializes in surviving abuse may take years to assess the subject in your case.

here are some articles on Psych Cnetral that discuss.
Psych Central - Search results for Confirming sexual abused

[nushi]

Dear Dyinglove

Don't feel embarrassed at all... You seem like a very beautiful & innocent soul

Yes, you should try to search further to know whether you were sexually abused or not, so you could find peace with yourself. But while you're searching, don't neglect yourself, try to heal & conquer your depression, by doing little things every day that make your life-time more fulfilling, meaningful, & most important joyful (even if a just a little bit)