Coming Clean

I'm 48 and I have a niece (my wife's brother's daughter) who was 18 when this all happened about 2 years go. She is beautiful. If I understand what is being said by my in-laws, I was caught staring at her crotch, and caught staring at her crotch once when she was walking up a flight of stairs.

It's hard to explain what happened, except that at a family function, several people yelled at me loudly about how inappropriate it is for people to........" They didn't even say it was me they were talking about, or the specifics, but the sense I got is that several of them, (her father, my wife's sister and her husband) talked about it at length and decided to do something about it. They got their point across.

My problem is that I think it's hypocritical, for one thing. My wife's sisters husband (I'll call him K) and her own father have both made comments about my niece's developing body that obviously made her uncomfortable.

K made comments about her body while pulling on her bra strap, and also pulled on her panties hard enough to cause her pain (I wasn't there to see it). She laughed it off, but later publicly told him it hurt her (I was there for that). K is the type to make inappropriate comments about women and sex in public. I remember him saying something loudly in mixed company about women and flutes and band camp. And about "Hummers" (it has to do with oral sex).

K approached me a few times and made comments like "you know she's my niece, and your niece" and basically tried to shame me in a way that was very dismissive and smug.

I'm tempted to write K a letter and tell him how inappropriate it is for him to pull on our niece's panties, and that I would appreciate it if he would stop.

So, I'm coming clean about my staring, but dang, she is beautiful. And I have been doing a lot better. I'm just tired of being seen as the bad guy, when it's obvious I'm not the only one with an issue.

It's definitely made me want to avoid my in-laws, and they're acting all like "what's his issue?" when I tell my wife I'm really not all the excited about spending time with them.

It's been hard to talk to my wife about this. She was there when this all blew up. But, she hasn't said anything about it. I think I'll print off this post and show it to her.

How is your relationship with your niece now?

My general thinking would be to try to repair things with your niece if possible and forget about the other people. It is indeed exceedingly annoying when people self-righteously and hypocritically criticize. But how will it help things with your niece if you engage in back-and-forth with K? If both you and K engage, the back-and-forth will go on indefinitely.

You could consider being the bigger person, which in my opinion often means owning up, fixing, and moving forward in a better way.

She never said anything to me. I don't know that I could own up to anything without making it worse for my niece. I suspect she may have told others that I made her feel uncomfortable, and that is why this all happened, or it's also possible that K was the one who made an issue of it in the first place ( I have good reasons to believe that this may be the case).

I just try to stay away from my niece when we're at family functions. I hold nothing against her, I feel terrible that I made her feel uncomfortable in any way.

Perhaps you're right. I could try to be the better person, but it doesn't change the fact that I never liked K much in the first place, and see no reason to spend any time with him at all.

As I see it, you shouldn't be looking at any women (save your wife) in a provocative or suggestive way as you're MARRIED. I know you've mentioned your niece is very attractive, I can understand that. However, since you are married, you made a commitment to your wife to love her and only her (unless your marriage is an open one).

With that out of the way, perhaps you shouldn't be near your niece as she is, without knowing it, tempting you in ways that could very well jeopardize your marriage.

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No argument here.

But what about your niece? How much (if at all) do you want to get along/get along better with her?

It's a pretty unsettling feeling for a young woman to feel sexually looked at by her own male relatives. Since her feelings are important here (not the back and forth between you and K), I would recommend that you drop the discussion with K and keep your distance from your niece. If you cannot control the desire to look, I really would avoid being around her entirely. Even if you have no intention of looking or making her uncomfortable, she probably already feels uncomfortable just being in the same room as you and K. These kinds of things can really affect young women more than people often realize. I'm glad that it seems her immediate family has come to her defense. Some families dismiss this kind of thing and don't protect the young woman. I know you mean no harm; I would just avoid being around her.

Honestly if you said you looked at her face because she was so pretty I would understand but you were looking at her crotch???? This family is pretty tolerant if they just yelled. We are mild mannered people but if some 50 year old stared at my daughters crotch there would be more than yelling involved. Are you still looking or want to look at her privates? What does your wife think of all this?

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As far as I can tell, the niece in question doesn't hold anything against me. My wife and I went out with my wife's extended family (both my wife's siblings and their children and my wife's mother) last Saturday. We went out to eat, then watched a play together. There were 10 of us (including my niece's boyfriend), and 8 of us (including my niece) rode together in the same vehicle for about 45 minutes, both ways.

I have 6 nephews and 4 nieces. I treat them all pretty much the same (except for the embarrassing incidents mentioned in my OP).

I'm still dealing with this incident more a year later, in that I feel like a scapegoat that my in-laws love to judge... it can be painful for me to be around them.

I am okay with the idea that I brought this on myself, and remember the pain as a reminder that staring at women is not a good idea.

For my own part, I tell myself that it was a mistake I made.... and that I'm dealing with it in the best way I know how. I still consider confronting them with the idea that they are using me as a kind of scapegoat in order that they may ignore their own faults. But, it's almost like this is an unspoken judgement that was made using generalities... So, it's hard to confront.

There are other days when I feel like thanking them for confronting me. They did call me to the carpet in a way that made me pay attention to how I view women. And whether they intended to or not, they did help me.

They just love to judge--or are they specifically judging you about this incident from three years ago?

It's being done in an underhanded way... My inlaws are being very slippery. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. It is the way people act. And they only do it because they believe they're right in doing it.

I may have to come up with my own way to make some points. I fantasize about having them get their Bibles and read some passages out loud. I'm just not sure if I can pull it off.

But, I also fantasize about being better than they are... Perhaps there is a way to "take the high road".

I do get the sense that they know they're making it difficult for me to have any peace of mind when I'm around them, and they enjoy doing it.

I just feel stuck. There don't appear to be any easy answers. My interest in Stoicism suggests that the opinions of others is something that is beyond my control, and that there is a way to reframe these issues in a way that will allow me peace of mind, even when I'm in their prescence.... I just haven't quite found it yet.

Marcus Aurelius did say that he sometimes comforted himself by remembering that we'll all be dead soon. It is true, that in a few short decades, there will be no one around to even remember this.