Abstinence

Have anyone practiced abstinence? I've started this almost three years ago because I believed that it will help me with my career as a musician (and it really did), but now I left my band and have a girlfriend, with whom we tried to have sex a few times, but when we already were in bed and she asked to put it in, my erection was just gone. And the same thing repeated two more times...

I am not a virgin, I had a steady gf three years ago with whom we had regular sex. But with my current gf it seems impossible even though I really love her.

She wil come over to my house over this weekend. Perhaps YOu can give me an advice on what to do so that we got normal intercourse.

thx in advance!

My recommendation is to be honest with her, let her know your issues...then take it slow with no pressure.

I think maybe try to relax totally and let her take over even, maybe she can get you aroused with some foreplay?

I am not a real "fan" of abstinence (although I do believe in abstinence education in our schools). In my early years as a pastor (mid 20s), I frequently went on abstinence "crusades." Sometimes I could go for several weeks without masturbating (which was my only sexual release). Not only did I not notice that it increased my creativity any, I also felt increasingly tense and was constantly obsessed about not thinking about sex, which was counterproductive in that it didn't give me any extra time to think about being more creative or even "pure."

Exactly, it's a natural thing, and doesn't have to be avoided at all by "abstaining". Allow the Lord to bless you with an amazing wife you love and you and her can be together and enjoy everything that was meant to be enjoyed. OliverRaw, if I listen to what you say, it sounds possible that He has done that already. Just give it a little time till the love between you guys grows stronger, and it will all come back. Don't worry, just chill, you will never be "dropped".

Thx, guys for your support!
If You are interested, everything went pretty well, and there were no "troubles" at all. I think the problem was that we didn't know each other for long time when we tried first, but now, after we've been dating for two months and talked everything through, everything went remarkably well

More to that, I feel much calmer and stable, than before that. More to that, I started playing guitar again, you can call it creatibity boost)

I guess, it is true, that abstinence is a bad thing, now I understand that, and won't repeat such mistake)

I'm getting to practice forced abstinence lately due to my wife's sudden revulsion to sex starting last October. The past 4-5 months to be exact. And it sucks.

You should talk to her about it. Not having sex is a really bad thing for relationships, not even mentioning physical and mental health

Oh yeah, we've been round and round about it and have been seeing the couples therapist for months. We think we might have found the smoking gun though, that being that she went on Pristiq about that time so hopefully next month they change her to something else and her libido comes back.

I believe, that a man can always make woman want him. It's like an instinct or something like this. I am not trying to be some "sex professor" or anything like it, but truth to be spoken, woman has her fantasies and expectations even if she doesn't admit it.
Maybe You should change something about your sexual begaviour, it may help even if sounds stupid.

Nope. I've tried everything I'm capable of actually; romantic evenings (the beef loin with blue cheese sauce was epic), hand written love letters, chocolates on the pillow and even backing off. If there's something there, it certainly doesn't involve me in any sort of way. I completely gave up about 2 months ago.

But again, this all started right about the time the doctor put her on Pristiq, so hopefully that's the culprit.

Glad to hear it worked out for you

I find this a pretty disturbing statement! I have abstained from sex for 12 years now (am 38) - and over that time plenty of men have tried very hard to make me want them. It hasn't worked once! I am much more comfortable with myself, and my life, when sex is not a part of it.

Any man who thinks that 'a man can always make woman want him.... woman has her fantasies and expectations even even if she doesn't admit' is - quite frankly - dangerous. You are one step away from away from saying 'no doesn't mean no'.

Ouch. Being a man, that really hurts.

If women only knew how much that hurts when they play that game.

I don't see her playing a game with anyone . She says she isn't interested in sex and hasn't been for 12 years. She is comfortable with her life. I am not sure why it's a game

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The truth is, unless you're asexual (which was not mentioned), you are interested in sex. If you are using it simply to tease and manipulate people, and then to stick the dagger in and say "Ha, you'll never have this!", that is no more than a game.

My apologies if you are indeed asexual and you actually have no interest in sex, but then please state that. Nobody can work out what you're trying to say if you only tell half the story.

'The truth is, unless you're asexual (which was not mentioned), you are interested in sex. If you are using it simply to tease and manipulate people, and then to stick the dagger in and say "Ha, you'll never have this!", that is no more than a game.'

Do you honestly really believe that every woman in the entire world (except for Asexuals) wants to have sex with you, or wants to tease and manipulate you?

No women want to have sex with me, OK. I am an unwanted and undesired man. There you have it. So, no, I don't believe every woman wants to have sex with me.

Of course not all women want to tease and manipulate, that is impossible. Roughly 10% of all I would say, also the same 10% I seem to attract, to my cost.

I have encountered this group of women and they derive enjoyment out of humiliating men because they hate them.

They play this game of flirting with you, trying to seduce you and then suddenly tell you you'll never ever stand a chance to be with them (you are the last man in the world they'll ever date or sleep with) or they only just saw you as a friend all of a sudden. I know this all to well, so it's not my imagination.

I can understand if they were hurt in the past, but that's not my fault. I have been hurt too many times by women who acted like this, so nobody is going to convince me it doesn't exist, and that it's all my fault while they take the high road.

I really want to believe you don't behave like this too, please tell me you don't resent men too like they do.

I will consider it my mistake that I misunderstood your post. So, what you are saying is just that you find a life with no sex to be best for you, well, that's great, if you are able to control it that well, more power to ya. Secondly, you were explicitly telling the men who were interested in you and who did approach you that you didn't want to have sex because you live a lifestyle in which there is no sex, is that correct? In other words, you did tell them that there was nothing wrong with them as men, you simply didn't want to be with them because you choose not to be with any man?

Sounds like you've met some truly awful women in your past - Im sorry you've experienced that, and Im glad you appreciate that the vast majority of us are decent people!

As for me - I resent all people. Gender makes no difference to me. Lets face it, I wouldn't be on this forum if I should be on the cover of Sanity Fair!

I have tried a variety of tactics to explain myself with men - none have been amazingly successful. At the end of the day - rejecting someone is never going to be a fun experience. To be honest, no, in the beginning I was not up front. This was far from being cruel - I was trying to protect the guys, trying not to hurt them and I was worried that being totally up front would hurt them more. I realised pretty quickly though, that the message was not getting through (unsurprisingly!).

I have a lot of male friends - I get on with guys much easier than I get on with girls. Unfortunately, what happened was that guys would misinterpret me seeing them as really great friends, as me being interested in them. In my eyes, we were just hanging out having a laugh. I was one of the lads. In their eyes - romance was blossoming. As soon as I would realise what was happening, I would try and stop it - but I would try and do it 'nicely' and the guys just never got the hint.

So after a while, I changed tactic. I would be completely up front. My line of choice is that 'I just don't feel the magic', or 'that chemistry just isn't there for me'. You're probably wondering why I don't say 'I don't have sex, I don't want you or anyone else'. Well, I have said that once or twice. But usually, I don't say it, because its not true.

I've been celibate a long time, I enjoy this and am comfortable with this. However, I have not ruled out ever having a relationship ever again. I just genuinely haven't met anyone I feel that chemistry with. If I did meet someone I wanted to take things further with - I would. The reason I am rejecting a guy is not because 'I don't have sex' - Its because I just don't fancy him. Im just not attracted to them. They might be the most wonderful, fabulous people that I love hanging out with - but that special something thats needed to progress the relationship to something romantic just is not there. Thats not anyones' fault, and theres certainly no thought in my mind that there is something wrong with the guy - I just don't fancy them.

Like I say - guys' reactions have varied. One guy I was very honest with, and who had known about my celibacy from the start of our friendship - took it rather badly, turned in to a complete psychopath and the police had to get involved. Another guy slit his wrists. Another guy is still my friend, and thinks he is gonna 'turn' me. And many others have continued to be my wonderful, fabulous, plutonicly loved best friends who I am privileged to have in my life.

It sounds like you have met some very cruel women in the past - but sometimes people get hurt, and its no ones fault, and no one did anything wrong - its just one of those things.

I'm sorry you feel that way about people, and I used to stay out of people's way too in the past. I'm sorry you had to have that experience with the psychopathic man too. I was also involved last year with a psychopathic woman who stole most of my money. I think you get horrible people in both genders and it's not a gender specific thing.

The thing is, I know you don't fancy the guys, but I think you are denying yourself the possibility of having a truly loving relationship by doing that.

There are many women in their 50's and 60's who I've spoken to before. Many have said that they regret marrying men that they were attracted to romantically and sexually, and looking back to their 20's and 30's, would rather have dated and married one of their best friends.

I think many men and women have the same problem, I had it too - we confuse love with sexual attraction. I lived in denial for a long time, I told myself I didn't, until the day I realized that it was the whole reason why I was getting "burnt" with women each time I tried to date one.

It's such a deeply ingrained thing you don't even know it's happening, but unfortunately our minds have been programmed to find someone of the opposite sex sexually attractive, and that predetermines completely our endeavors and results with the opposite sex. And this is when you start encountering rejections, misguided attempts at romance, getting involved with horrible people, etc.

I can appreciate you "switching off" or "desensitizing" your "radar", but all you end up with is loneliness if you do that.

This is just a thought, but if your "not dating a friend" paradigm has still not delivered results by 38, then maybe it wasn't a good paradigm after all? Just a thought.

I'm sorry for all you've been through. I think many people have been scorned by the opposite sex, and that always sucks.

But, I learned long ago, my "removing myself" from the possibility of love or a relationship is only spiting me in the end. I am the only one missing out, nobody else. I am not "depriving" anyone of a chance of great love by not allowing them a date with me. If they don't find it with me, they will just find it somewhere else. If other people can't get through to you, they simply move on. That's a hard truth to swallow I know, but it's true unfortunately and you'll only be doing yourself in.

I hope things work out for you! Maybe just try dating a best friend once, who knows, maybe you end up really in love and it was just a hidden dimension waiting to be explored! Take care