Frustrated

Hello, I am a survivor of years of sexual and physical abuse as well as verbal and emotional. I am now seeing a wonderful gentlemen after splitting with husband of 27 years. The problem is and has always been that i have never ad an orgasm even with my new guy. is this just how it has to be since my sexual abuse for so long or is there something i can do?

Hi there, welcome to Psych Central. So sorry for what you endured and experienced abuse. No one should have to go through it. But it sounds like you are a survivor and you aiming to deal with it. But it is hard without a therapist, psych doc and guide. You really have multiple situations to deal with: the grief from the splitting from your husband and the emotions involved and the trauma from years of abuse.

It is a lot to take on but you can do it in steps with a therapist and possible support group. The thing that I hear here often is how to fix the physical problem, but the emotional reasons for the physical condition are needing to be worked on first.

Here are some articles that may have ideas that may inspire working on establishing intimacy and trust first. Let sexuality be and work up to it over a period of months or longer. Psych Central - Search results for Sexuality and intimacy and trust

Many people find the forums and the articles helpful. Here are some forums.
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

ty for your response, I am actually seeing a psychiatrist as well as a counselor at a woman's domestic violence facility, for years i have put the sexual and abusive past on he back burner and spent the ext 20+ years trying to be a "normal person" unfortunately i went from one type of abusive situation to another My husband has been verbally, emotionally and sometime sexually abusive as well as a manipulator and alcoholic for years. My therapist told me it was time to put me on the front burner and deal with the demons head on and that is what i am trying to do but it is very hard and very painful

No, of course not dear.

You deserve sexual pleasure and fulfilment just like anyone else.

A lot of it has to do with the mind actually, perhaps trying something to become super-relaxed might work. Normally (hidden) anxiety is a pleasure killer.

One thing I have to say is its not unusual for a woman to be unable to orgasm during intercourse even if they haven't been abused.

Only about a third of women experience orgasm regularly during intercourse. A third can reach orgasm with intercourse but need extra stimulation. A third never achieve orgasm during intercourse but can by manual and oral stimulation.

I don't wish to be pedantic, but even though all this is true, it must just be said that it is possible for any woman to reach orgasm through intercourse. So, one should not feel defeated if it didn't happen before, because it still can. Many things play a role including the man himself - his size, stamina (how long he lasts before ejaculating), etc., positions during sex and a lot more things.