Would appreciate some advice about embarking in a threesome

Okay - so my husband and I have decided to have a threesome with his ex. This is a girl he dated back when he was 15 but never slept with (because he didn't want to end up as a teenage parent.) She ended up cheating on him and broke his heart, but that was more than 10 years ago, and it was his first major relationship, so of course those always hurt the worst. He hated her for a while, but eventually he got over it and now he has no feelings for her one way or the other. She's just a person he used to know.

I'm not worried about him leaving me for her, for several reasons besides his many assurances. 1. She has a kid, and I know he would hate raising someone else's child. 2. She's currently married to a meth addict. I guess she married him after only a few months of dating, and she didn't find out about the drugs till after. Apparently he's away from home a lot doing his meth, and she's trying to get him arrested and thrown in jail for it, but it's an ongoing process. 3. Despite our problems in the bedroom, we have a very strong and supportive relationship. I could go on, but this isn't really what I'm writing for advice about...

When we first decided it'd be fun to "play" with another girl in the bedroom, the idea of using the ex came up, because we could, well, "use" her. She'd be the "slave", I'd be the "domina" and I'd be in total control. Hubby says he'd feel strange degrading someone he doesn't really know, but an ex is perfect for this because he could use her and not feel like a bad person for it. And if she enjoys being used (which apparently she does) then it works out for everyone. I also really like the power aspect of the situation - being in total control, being able to give this other woman to my husband as a gift to use and just pound the heck out of, etc.

I guess I'm just looking for any general advice or cautions you may have for me. I've never done anything like this before, though I have an adventurous spirit. I've tried to think it all through ahead of time, but I'm sure things will come up that I didn't plan for or anticipate.

I am attracted to women, but there are some things I don't want to do, like go down on a girl for example. But we've arranged this so that everyone can set out the ground rules they want, everyone will respect these rules, and if anyone is uncomfortable/unhappy at any time we'll all stop and reevaluate. It sounds like it's going to be a good arrangement.

I've never met this woman before, but apparently she is going to be in town this weekend for her mom's birthday, so we may be able to get together and hang out for a while. I'm thinking maybe a few drinks, some music, break the ice, that kind of thing. I don't want to just jump right into bed, but if husband wants to play with her, I'm okay with that.

Part of the reason I'd agreed to this in the first place (besides it being a long time fantasy of mine) is that I just can't seem to handle sex like I used to. I used to really love sex, and I was hot and ready to go at the drop of a hat (any hat!) But for the last few years, I only seem to want sex maybe once or twice a week at most, and it often hurts me when I try to force it when I'm not worked up (horny/wet) enough. (And no, lube does not help that problem. Even when I use plenty of lube, it can still hurt.) So I'm hoping that having another person for hubby to take his aggressions out on will help. Maybe if he has someone else he can bang the crap out of, it'll let me off the hook a bit so I don't feel under pressure to perform.

Thanks for listening!

The most important aspect of a threesome is establishing ground rules and it seems you're doing that. Everyone needs to feel comfortable, and get what they want out of it. It's hard to find a balance. I've had a couple of threesomes at which I was good with the idea, but as a bisexual guy I was disappointed that I was never able to have sex with the other guy.

If one of the participants feels that they weren't treated equally, then regret and resentment can follow. And because everyone is so different, it is difficult to find perfect matches. I know that even though we were having a MFM 3some, the other guy didn't want me to touch him, but that is what I wanted more that any other act.

I'm a little concerned that you are allowing this as a way to lessen the sexual pressure on you. I worry that the next time you have problems keeping up...your partner will view that as a free pass to sleep around.

Numerous mentions of " using" this girl.... That just kinda jumped out at me.

I guess if she has no problems with it and enjoys it... then its all good..

I wouldn't advise it.

I've had plenty of friends that were swingers or in open marriages and all of them are broken up or divorced now. I'm not saying it doesn't work for everyone, I've just never seen it work out.

Part of the reason is that there's this funny little hormone called oxytocin that likes to take over. It helps create that monogamous bond and is dumped heavily during sex. Throw in phone calls from boyfriends/girlfriends while you two are at dinner, emails about next time and so on and it doesn't take long for it to all go kaputniksky.

I believe, this is a good idea. You see, men actually are very fragile creatures with lots of strange ideas in their heads. He won't leave You or feel something to her. He just needs to kinda dominate on her, like a revenge or smth like that. I've been in similar situation, but not entirely in sexual aspect. Anyway, he needs to prove to himself that he is "the boss", and I assure YOu, after he does, he'll be a better man)
Good luck to you, guys

Thanks for the input everyone! I may have spoken too soon though...

After much anticipation, she ended up standing us up. She was very vague on when/if she'd be willing to reschedule. So I guess the idea of a threesome is on hold for now.

I know hubby is bummed, and I'm bummed that he is bummed. I'd love to find someone else to do this with, but it's so hard to meet new people! We'd created a profile on FetLife a while back, but we never got any replies to our request for a single female looking to play.

We're not "bar people", and I honestly don't know where else to go to try to meet someone for this type of thing. Plus I worry about STDs and that type of thing with a random hook up, so I'm not sure when or if this fantasy will ever become a reality.

Siren, I understand having the fantasy of doing this and with my first wife, we would work through the scenario to bring her to climax; usually involving one of her close friends. We had discussed it and I personally said if we did I only wanted to be "in her" and not the other woman. Also there can be no jealousy involved but at the last minute you might realize oh I am sharing my partner and I don't like that. I would say don't try it, but if you do be safe. Also think of other ways to rev your engine and get wet, maybe try taking it slow and easy too. Well okay then enjoy.

Don't do it- ever. It will ruin your marriage.

I don't think 3somes are always necessarily as "world-ending" as all that. Much as with any relationship or sexual activity, preparation and ground rules will always make things go more smoothly. So long as all participants are 100% willing and each participants expectations are known and accepted, then a 3some can be an exciting and memorable experience.

You could try swinglifestyle.com Most people are very open and mature on the site.