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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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May 24, 2007 at 04:59 PM
#1
I married a man who is totally disinterested in sex? I've worked on this issue with one therapist and we didn't get to the root of the issue although we tried. Maybe it goes all the way back to when I was neglected as a baby and feel underserving of love
 Or maybe it goes back to my bigamist father..... that I could only enjoy sex at all when it was frowned upon, ie outside of marriage. Coz Mr Bear and I did have an ok sex life...... until we got married. I've gone off sex mostly too so it isn't a huge issue for me but it doesn't exactly help my self esteem. However I know I'm attractive, many people have told me so. Even my very critical father told me "you are almost beautiful"....... an excellent compliment from him, indeed! 
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2005
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May 24, 2007 at 05:09 PM
#2
(((( Fuzzy ))))
It seems my sex life has suffered since getting married too. Truth is, I don't really like sex much anyway, but his want for it has seemed to decline too. Sorry I can't help much. I just wanted you to know I was listening. __________________ 
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Pandita-in-training
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
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May 24, 2007 at 06:07 PM
#3
Was he always as disinterested as he is now? Don't know how long you've been married but I imagine when you married him you could have been in a different place/had different reasons than you remember now?
Have you ever asked your husband this exact question? :-) I often ask my husband questions about me as I like his perspective (usually very loving, kind, and esteem-giving :-) and it often shows me things I haven't even imagine about myself. __________________ "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,467
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22 81.4k hugs
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May 24, 2007 at 06:07 PM
#4
(((((((((((( Gemstone ))))))))))))) thanks for replying!
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,467
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May 24, 2007 at 06:09 PM
#5
I guess he's more disinterested now..... I think he worries about me
I do know he loves me (unlike my parents .... or so I felt/feel about the parents) But he isn't really into deep discussions at all..... he's a scientist and he finds emotional discussions stressful Thanks for your reply! __________________
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May 24, 2007 at 06:50 PM
#6
fuzzy i too am struggling with this dilemma. i was never loved by my mum or dad i was a mistake between 2 people who never loved each other. therefore my self-esteem and confidence are very low, i enjoy sex and would like it to be a bigger part of my marriage. it used to be good, now my sex drive is higher and it is always me who instigates it - therefore leading me to believe he no longer finds me attractive/sexy etc. i need this to make me feel good about myself, hugs and kisses are very rare from him even though i know he loves me. i'm just scared it's not enough, i need lots of affection to make up for lack of it as a child. hard times ahead.
love you, kerry xoxoxoxoxo  this is the kind of hug i miss, heartfelt - not empty
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,467
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May 24, 2007 at 07:04 PM
#7
 ((((((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))))))) Yes, and I do remember how I was surprised by how "slow" he was at suggesting what so many men tried with me the first time they saw me  I thought it was sweet and showed respect.... he does show me respect. But as my parents didn't know the meaning of the word respect, I am only now learning what it means myself............  Yeah I should have learnt it before, I somehow missed the lessons though until they really really hurt
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2005
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May 24, 2007 at 11:11 PM
#8
((((((((((Fuzzzy)))))))))))
I think it's your husband that needs to go get therapy! __________________ Please donate to your local animal humane shelter! Thank-you! 
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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May 24, 2007 at 11:19 PM
#9
He does come from a very "repressed" family......
 But then so do I, and a freakin dysfunctional family too ((((((((((((((( Zen888 ))))))))))))))) 
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2007
Location: Israel
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May 25, 2007 at 10:39 AM
#10
but wait..why are you always talkinga bout YOUR problems when the one who sin`t interested in sex is your HUSBAND?
you consider it your probelm then? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2007
Location: Israel
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May 25, 2007 at 10:43 AM
#11
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Fuzzybear said: But he isn't really into deep discussions at all..... he's a scientist and he finds emotional discussions stressful </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> i think that the problem may start here....? |
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Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2007
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,050
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May 25, 2007 at 11:57 AM
#12
So....what does your husband say when you bring this up? Generally it is good to have this conversation outside of the bedroom when you are both relaxed and just let him know what you are missing and what you would like and what are his thoughts.
Does he masturbate? Is he able to keep an erection? How old are you two? |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,467
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May 25, 2007 at 12:14 PM
#13
Yikes!!
Do you mind if I PM you with the answers? If not, its ok! __________________
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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May 25, 2007 at 12:16 PM
#14
Well yeah, I do think I am the "PROBLEM" though
Thanks (((((((((((((( you ))))))))))))))))
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Wisest Elder Ever
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May 25, 2007 at 12:18 PM
#15
ok I'll try to answer
does he masturbate? No
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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May 25, 2007 at 12:20 PM
#16
And...... yes I am "paranoid".... this is not a LIE
 I wish it was Not that I really care about anything any more   changed for accuracy.... not that I want this pain any more, my pain, my life
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Poohbah
Member Since Apr 2007
Location: East Coast
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May 25, 2007 at 01:07 PM
#17
Sorry... I go to a different board sometimes that talks of these things more overtly so excuse me if I was a bit out there.
It is unusual for a man to not masturbate. Feel free to answer to the rest via PM if you would like..... or not....lol.... I understand but you two need to talk. You have a right to have your needs met. If there are any plumbing problems. well there are other options. ;-) and he can get looked at by a urologist too. But just talk a bit and see what the deal is. :-) |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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Posts: 96,467
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May 25, 2007 at 01:56 PM
#18
It's ok.... thanks for your reply!!
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May 25, 2007 at 05:20 PM
#19
It might help for him talk to his doc and have his hormone levels checked. If his testosterone is low...that can be corrected.
I always start with medical...then move to the emotional stuff. em |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,467
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22 81.4k hugs
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May 25, 2007 at 05:38 PM
#20
Thanks em... things are falling apart here but I'll see if I can persuade him to get that checked.
No one ever suggested that before, not that I've shared with many to say the least..... until now (and being a "bear" I didn't think of it......)Fuzzy
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