Bdsm Help Please

I've been active in the bdsm world for over 2 yrs. I'd recently taken a Master & I've been his slave for 11 months.
He is married
I am married. But that's not the issue.
I've gone thru sub drop many times & know that my MDD doesn't help it at all. The lows are massive drops & it's hard to crawl out of them.
I've recently broken my relationship off w/my Master. So I know a drop is coming bec we recently played.
He's the type of Master that crawls into your head & pulls up a couch. Extremely intuitive & he knows a great deal about me especially my mental health issues. He's been very good for me in many, many ways.
I've been strong enough to stop therapy. I've been in it for over 23 yrs. I've also decided to take control of my meds & go the organic, herbal route. I've been doing surprisingly really well! I'm proud of how hard I worked to become more controlled over my role in my life. He's taught me a great deal about handling stress, being good to myself & striving for a better life for myself. I was very happy.

Now he's gone...& so is all my self confidence. I'm so worried that I'm going to back slide. Was he just an artificial buffer? How can I stand on my own now w/no one at my side? Should I just bag all my progress & crawl back to a therapist?

I wanto be strong & remember the things he taught me....but it's just so easy to curl up on the couch, cry & sleep my life away.

Any suggestions?

Patagonia, I must confess I am a Dom in Sub/Dom relationship with someone. I am also very in tune with her, I listen to her and she listens to me; not just when I need something but when I need to talk. When we met I wanted us to be transparent with each other. By the way BRAVO on going organic, I want to do that myself, so hit me up with suggestions sometime, I take an anti-depressant and anxiety med only for my psyche issues plus a few things for medical reasons and I can't stand relying on medication; and worry about the effects on my body, we aren't made to take man made chemicals. Also don't feel like it is a step backward if you need to go to a therapist. My second longest relationship was with my former therapist, her and I worked through a lot of issues together. Hang in there.

I miss him so very much & feel so lost w/o him. But it was really a toxic relationship, many red flags & I've become heavily addicted to him & the bdsm we were doing.
So now I don't have him. The bright spot in my week. Everything's turned miserable again & I can feel the depression slowly slipping into my world again. I don't wanto go back to where I was, but it's all I know.
I won't look for another partner.

Patagonia, you have to do for yourself what you feel is right, you are going to pull through this and yes it will make you some how stronger. (Yes, I know it is cliche to say that but I thought it apt.) I hope the very best for you.

Was the relationship toxic or just your reaction to sub drops? Actually a more salient question, were you part of any BDSM communities while you were with him? There are forums that are specifically for subs and their concerns where you could get a more targeted pool of people who understand more fully what you are experiencing. Sometimes therapists think BDSM is the problem that needs to be fixed and not the emotional fallout from using a sexual act to alter your body's chemistry, so it can be difficult to find someone that isn't going to try to fix the wrong thing. That's actually a large part of what sub drop seems to be. You put your body in a high mode where it produces mind-altering chemicals. The problem is that when you do this to yourself that you also have to deal with your body's natural fallout as it tries to regulate the chemicals back to a regular level. It's kind of like the emotional equivalent of a hangover after getting drunk. Since you said you're both married, neither one of you is really going to be in a position to be there for each other to help ease that 'hangover' feeling of sub drop. If your relationship was otherwise healthy, it's possible that you don't need to completely quit BDSM so much as develop a plan for dealing with the drop in such a way that the impact is minimized.

Try things like cuddling more with your husband after a session, and see if he is willing to offer the aftercare your Dom isn't able to be there to manage. Get online with other subs to help work through your feelings while you're experiencing a drop. Avoid sessions right around your period because that's just mixing chemicals with hormones and then everything will seem worse. (Sorry, I'm assuming you're a female here. Ignore that advice if you aren't.) Other subs might be better able to give you ideas about how to deal with a drop that you can incorporate into your aftercare system, but if that doesn't work, or the depression is lasting too long you might have to go back to therapist to get some medicine. Or maybe you can just go to therapy and let them know that you aren't comfortable taking a medicine and would just like support while you level out.
This way you have a support system so you can explore your options to continue to scene if the relationship was otherwise healthy.

Other than that, I don't think it sounds like your progress and lifestyle changes are fake without a Dom. Those were yours and you felt proud of them. I think that maintaining a natural course as an alternative to the faster-acting pharmaceutical drugs that are more readily available requires a certain level of strength. When the drop is no longer interacting with your natural depressive state I suspect that you will discover that a lot of the changes and progress you have made is still there and you will be able to pick up where you left off without having to go all the way back to a method of dealing that didn't feel right to you. Definitely keep an eye on that, though, and don't hesitate to get on medicine if you really feel like you need to.

Good luck.

Thinking of you xoxo

Thank you all for ur advice.
Yes my Dom was toxic & I needed to get away from him. It would be very easy to slip back to under his hand but I know I'd end up feeling the same way. It's been very hard to be away from him.
My bdsm community is extremely small & clicky. I was snubbed there & my Dom was asked not to return after one meeting. We both felt that we posed a threat to the group bec we were both married. I haven't been back since February & no one has asked me to return. There's no friends there.
My hubby does nothing in the way if aftercare, never has. On & off. That's all there is. My marriage has been suffering for a long time which ultimately led me to cheating but I stay for my kids.
I'm still extremely depressed & nervous it'll get worse as we head into the winter months. No I don't wanto return to drugs. It's taken me almost a yr to wean myself off my antidepressant.
My last therapist could not deal w/ my turn to bdsm. Her spiritual "values" tried to tell me how wrong I was which lead to a fallout. I haven't seen a therapist since January & w/this past fallout & 2 therapist abandonment issues before that I have no desire to return to therapy.
I have looked for a therapist that understands the lifestyle but again...it's an extremely small town.

I know I'll run Into the desire to return to bdsm, but it's caused so many bad issues in my life I feel like I have to bury those feelings to return to my vanilla life. I won't make it in the vanilla life, I know that.

Hang in there okay, we will be here for you, if you need to talk. I message me.

Here are a few links that may be useful:
http://www.drkkolmes.com/docs/kap.pdf
Adultery and the Vanilla Spouse - By Sensuous Sadie
https://fetlife.com/

Considering the strength of your attraction to BDSM, I don't think it's something that would be healthy for you to completely try to cut off from, but perhaps with some help you can find a balanced way to incorporate that into your life and marriage. You don't need that particular Dom, but you do feel like you need BDSM. You don't need that particular therapist because of the value dissonance, but you might could still use therapy with someone who recognizes that you are seeking treatment for depression, not BDSM. I would still say get online for some of the BDSM groups if it's still so integral to your sexual identity. Fetlife and BDSM Library forums spring to mind, and they have submissive groups where you can check in with others who might have experienced similar situations, or advice for finding a therapist who is kink positive. At the very least, they can give you solid pointers on the what to look out for in a Dom so that you can try to avoid unhealthy ones in the future. (Although I should add the caveat that you should keep an eye out for the "twue subs" nonsense some people throw around. Ignore that. Seriously, just ignore that.) You might also find some online therapists who are kink aware who can help you work through what was so toxic about your last relationship so that you know how to avoid that in future doms, or who can help you try to salvage your marriage.

Unfortunately, this is where I will be bowing out of the conversation. I wish I could be more help to you, but I am ill-equipped to deal with marriage for the kids vs. divorce for self-interests discussions with anything resembling impartiality as I have recently discovered that I have very strong feelings on this particular topic. Frankly, that is a very personal decision and you don't need it to be muddled by other people's issues. Good luck with finding a way to get what you need, and figuring out what's best for you.

Thank you very much for the info. I enjoyed reading the blog by Sensuous Sadie.
I am a member of FL. I've had to close my page to get away from my Master & I'm now in a puppet account. But I've lost all my friends there trying to lay low.
Thanks for your help.

He sounds bad. Forget him.