What should I do?

Sirensong18 · Sep 06, 2015 at 10:14 AM

I think I'm no longer attracted to my husband, sexually.

I still love him intensely. He's my best friend. I can't imagine my future without him. I want to travel the world, build a family, and grow old with him.

When we first got together, and for the first few years of our marriage, sex was bliss. I was always hot and ready, and we always had fun together.

But something slowly changed over the years, and now sex holds no enjoyment for me. Even if I'm into it mentally, it's like my body is broken and just won't respond like it used to. No matter how he touches me, what speed he uses, soft and gentle or hard and rough, nothing works anymore. I just don't get turned on (wet) at all. So then actual sex (penetration) is painful, even if we use lube.

I'm at my wits end here. I don't want to end my marriage, but I can't keep living like this.

It doesn't help for me to try to guide him to what I want, as far as type of touch, faster/slower, harder/softer, etc. It's like he can make me feel nice, but once it gets to a certain point, the pleasure just stops building and it either starts to feel numb or actually painful. It's frustrating too, because I'll think I want one thing, and then once I get it I no longer want/like it. It no longer does anything for me. So then I'm giving him all these contradicting instructions, and it's no wonder he gets all confused and frustrated with it.

Also, when I try to guide him to what I want, it actually makes things worse because I think it makes him feel like he's "doing it all wrong" and so he loses all enthusiasm for it and just ends up projecting this air of being frustrated or bored.

We've always had good communication, but talking about these issues hasn't helped at all. Our talks have basically left me feeling miserable and guilty that my body doesn't work like it used to, while leaving my husband feeling like a failure because he can't give pleasure anymore.

Last night was especially frustrating, because my mind was into it, but my body just wasn't responding. I tried to guide him and give him feedback about what I wanted, but that only seems to make him clam up and quit trying at all. It was like he went from raring to go and all sexy, to just barely touching me, all gentle and light touches, which by then (since we'd already done tons of foreplay) just felt like he wasn't even touching me at all. I tried to tell him I needed more, I needed him to make me feel like he wanted me, like he wanted me to enjoy myself, and that I needed him to be rougher. When I said the thing about him being rougher, it was like he went from 0 to 10 in a heartbeat and had grabbed my hair, forcing me down on him. Which would have been fine - had it not been so intense so fast (it actually hurt my neck). I just wanted him to be more into it, not suddenly jump to maximum intensity. So then after a few moments of that, he jumped on top and pushed his way inside. Which hurt, and sucked for me, but I tried to just roll with it (like I always do) and tried to make it enjoyable for him. He came shortly thereafter, though he didn't really seem to enjoy it. I ended up playing with my clit a bit to get myself off after. I was asking him to touch me, caress me, kiss me, play with my breasts - anything. I just wanted to feel loved and like he wanted me to enjoy myself too. But I didn't, and the barely there orgasm I finally had was pitiful at best.

After that, he was pretty much asleep so I went and had a long cry in the shower. We didn't really talk much this morning, and now I'm sitting at work, silently crying at my desk.

I don't want to lose my husband, I love him dearly and I want to spend my life with him. But I can't keep going on with sex like this. It's not making either of us happy.

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

Sep 06, 2015 at 11:04 AM

Oh my dear Siren, I wish I could say I had an answer for you but I don't love. I know sex is important in relationships, especially a marriage but it isn't the key to intimacy and a long marriage. I am not going to venture how long you have been married or assume an age. Take the pressure off of both of you, spend some time together, something will bring that spark back to life. I am not telling you to give up just change things a little, talk to your husband and go from there.

Sirensong18 · Sep 06, 2015 at 11:08 AM

I am 28, we've been married for 6 years. No kids, yet, we are waiting till we're a bit older and more ready (financially and otherwise.)

I feel it is important to note that I'm not attracted to anyone else, fantasizing does not work to get me turned on, and I don't even like porn anymore (though I used to.)

I just feel like my sex drive has shriveled up and died.

Sep 06, 2015 at 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirensong18

I am 28, we've been married for 6 years. No kids, yet, we are waiting till we're a bit older and more ready (financially and otherwise.)

I feel it is important to note that I'm not attracted to anyone else, fantasizing does not work to get me turned on, and I don't even like porn anymore (though I used to.)

I just feel like my sex drive has shriveled up and died.

Thank you Siren for the honesty and I guess I wasn't meaning to suggest "spice" things up. Find something else to do to have commonality, hobbies or something like that. Take some time off in the bedroom. I know your clock is ticking, but it can be restarted. Maybe even seek a good couples therapist. Just hang in there.

bixkf · Sep 08, 2015 at 12:46 PM

It may take some time, but you can also work on improving intimacy. I'm not talking sexual intimacy, just intimacy in general. My wife and I (of 20 years) have been through many ups and down including depression, anorgasmia, loss of sensation in genitals, sexuality issues, health problems, etc. We had times where sex occured annually, and when it did happen...it sucked, badly.

However, we worked on being closer to each other both emotionally and physically. That didn't mean we were doing anything sexual at all, but allowing each other to get into our personal space. Sitting together, reading together, playing games together...foot rubs, hair combing, massages...walking hand in hand. Once you are capable of being close...intimately, without sex...it is much easier to expand back into a sexual context. You can realize that you are attracted to your partner as a person, without it being sexual.

Patagonia · Sep 10, 2015 at 07:51 AM

First thing I think to question is are you on any drugs? It can make a huge impact on your sex life.
Like many others will say the key here is to communicate. Which it sounds like you are doing, but sometimes sending mixed messages DURING sex.

Is there any way you can discuss this before you get to the bedroom?
If a man is getting mixed messages during sex it's sending him performance messages like.....what does she want? What am I doing wrong? Have you told him that this issues is based in your brain & not based in his performance. If he feels like he's not fulfilling you it's going to give him a complex & turn him off in the bedroom.

Just my opinion.

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