sexual depression

I believe my sexual preference and lack of support from my wife has led to my depression ... I find myself drawn heavily in bondage ... which I think comes from the need to be sexual but not the cause of the sexual pleasure .... I suppose to be from a deep seated guilt about sex ...

I realize this is one sided as I am seeking to have these things "done" to me .... in my defense she has never been very sexual ... I think because of her upbringing ... she finds oral sex repulsive either giving or receiving ... we have mutually agreed to give up having intercourse ... as neither of us has any real desire that way ...

It's not an issue of wanting someone else it is just a realization neither of us are desiring intercourse ... however I do feel a "need" to have an orgasm at least a few times a year or so ...

For several years we had a working arrangement of occasionally "playing" .... but I think it has caused her to lose her sense of self esteem and a feeling of being used ...

She has never expressed any desire to be touched sexually but I think the one sidedness has soured on her

I have for years pleaded with her to seek counseling but she refuses saying they would side with me ... I ask her to chose the T and maybe go alone at first to build a relationship but she refuses ... which leads me to believe there is abuse or other issues in her past she does not want to face ...

leaving or finding a play partner is not going to happen ... As I am "old school" and those options just do not exist ...

I really don't think there is an answer to this question ... mostly just wanted to see it in print as that helps me to distance myself from the pain ... thanks for listening ...

Sex is definitely a very important aspect to a relationship! Giving it up entirely will definitely lead to a whole new set of problems because you need this intimate connection to feel loved and satisfied in a romantic relationship. Although I'm not quite understanding, you are interested in bondage type things while she is not? And she also does not like to do oral sex... and these things led to you both agreeing to cutting out sex completely? I think you both should find a happy medium. I think you need to talk more about it with her. Make sure she knows you are unhappy about the situation and it's causing you stress.

There are other issues ... my meds have made me impotent for the last three years and completely squashed my desires ... my wife has never had a "desire" for sex even when we were first married ... we have talked before and really there is no valid solution for us ... stress yes ,but not the most in my life ... yes you can have a life without sex ... I am still trying to come to peace with it ... but I really see no other path ...

Twister, I can not fathom this emotional disconnect in relational terms. Marriage and sex aren't a must but a level of intimacy is needed and I also know sexual intimacy isn't just the main part; there is more to it. I think that you have lost even that intimacy from what I am reading here. I am glad that you hold to your "old school" values, I wouldn't recommend seeking fun outside the marriage bed. I am single and have a tough time building a relationship with one woman who is great and having sex with another woman who is my sexual equal and dealing with my feelings of my bi sexual nature; which I haven't explored ever.
I have unfortunately been married and divorced twice, the first divorce was legitimate, she was squandering our money on the casino and then complaining bills weren't paid, drawing me into an argument; she was a bit abusive too. My second marriage ended because I loved my wife and daughter so much I had to get them off the roller coaster I was on, I still love my ex and unfortunately can never go back. I blew up a perfect thing, because I didn't want to put her or my daughter through the pain of seeing me suffer. So I guess I am saying I am no expert at being "old school" that is what I wanted though, with my second marriage.
I don't know what else to say, but hang in there. Don't push her into anything she doesn't want. Try being attentive to her needs, but don't be obvious, woman can sense when we are trying "too hard" and think there is ulterior motives. Just remember the woman you married and maybe remind her of the man she married.

All I can say is that I know the cycle we can get in when sex and intimacy in general is lost between a couple. In many cases, there is no fault as in there was no choice in the matter. Rekindling intimacy is extremely difficult due to the differences between the sexes. My wife used to say that I needed to romance her into a sexual mindframe, yet she has issues with me get to "close". In other words, she needed love to have sex. Where as me as a man, I essentially needed sex into order to have love. It was hard for either of us to initiate, especially since I had issues that even if we did get to the point of having sex, I may or may not have had an orgasm. Not a lot of motivation.

Ultimately we spent time working on intimacy in general, without the context of sex being involved. Once we were comfortable being "close" to each other again, we were able to move back to sex, though it's never been like it was in the past.