A question for all the men out there

What would you do if your lady completely lost her libido?

I am 53 and have had every test, and the fact is, this has happened to me simply because of my age. I can still have and enjoy sex, I just don't have 'that feeling' anymore.

This has created a nightmare in my marriage. First my husband takes it personally. He thinks I no longer find him desirable - which couldn't be further from the truth. I find him just as desirable as I did the first time I laid eyes on him in 1990. I just don't have any 'incentive' to initiate sex because my body just doesn't work the way it used to. He insists that if I still find him desirable, I should initiate sex - like to the point where I feel so pressured, I just can't.

Part of the problem is sexual abuse I experienced as a child, but I am working hard with my therapist on that one.

I would love to be the kind of wife that greets her husband at the door when he comes home wearing something sexy, or better yet, nothing at all. I know it is in me to be that woman, and I don't know what's holding me back - which is what my therapist and I are trying to find out. I know part of the problem is my past (I also have PTSD), but I'm starting to wonder if his expectations are contributing to the problem.

Any advice or help anyone can offer (male or female) would be appreciated.

Thanks,

WW

I would like to say I would be accepting but the truth is I act much like your husband. I feel neglected and unwanted.

If you haven't read the five languages of love, I would recommend doing so. I am a person who responds most to touch so asexual relationships are very difficult for me. Luckily I respond to non sexual touch almost as much so perhaps if your husband is the same you can try huging. back rubs and cuddling in its place. Even with all of this I would still recommend the occasional bedroom fling.

The guys in here are mostly immature and gets easily upset because of being deprived of any sexual contact. In other words, they get their feelings hurt, but they also get resentful because our partner uses sex as a form of control and gets a kick out of it.

I personally don't blame them, I would too.

I think the older one gets, the lower the sex drive goes, and when there are earlier issues in life, the harder it is to maintain.

Also, I think that when it becomes a stressor in the relationship, the drive even withers even further.

If everyone took a break from sexual worries and took a deep breath and quit being childish about it, relax, maybe it'll kick start on its own. I've noticed that when I become frustrated, if I take the pressure off, after time it's back to normal.

A lot of sexism out giving. Too often we think of it as something we do for our pleasure rather than give pleasure to the one we love. I often do things to initiate sex with my husband even when I am not high on desire just because I love and cherish him in spite of his faults. I get a lot of good dividends of love and affection when I do not expect it in return

Twice this month I met him at the door totally naked. Neither time was I particularly in the mood but I knew that he had been frustrated with work all day and really needed to feel love. He often goes out of his way to make me feel special in return

I discovered nearly too late that successful marriage means focusing on another person's happiness not my own. In so doing I get my needs met as well
There is no one secret to solve everyone's problem but for me this worked wonders for both of our sex drives

Intercourse is not so much a commodity to promote my own pleasure, but a gift to give. About a year ago we pledged to each other that when either of us wanted sex we would agree if at all humanly possible and that we would be available for each other wherever and however.

My wife is a bit younger than you and in the midst of menopause and also has CSA in her past. It's all very tough and she's got the same feelings as you. She swears she loves me more than ever but simply cannot bring herself to think about sex. We're lucky if we make love once every couple months.

To answer your question specifically, I masturbate ALOT and try to be as patient as possible. I could never cheat on her and/or go to a prostitute. I have supported her unfailingly as she's worked with her T on her issues. But, it's very hard to be patient over several years and I definitely feel unwanted. I have been very sad lately and have told her that I feel a distance between us growing due to lack of intimacy.

I just need her to occasionally be there for me. That doesn't mean I want her to drop to her knees and service me at my beck and call or meet me at the door naked and ready (although that would be wonderful) but over the past 3 years or so she has not once ever said "let's just take care of you today" like JLarissa says. A few of those a year would go a long way towards reassuring me that she's mindful of my needs. That would be incredible. If I had that, then "handling" the rest myself to supplement wouldn't feel so desperate and lonely.

She's got the sexuality of a 70 year old woman who is satisfied with cuddling and sex once a year and it's very sad for me to think that I still would like to make love twice a week but have come to the realization that for the rest of my life I'm only going to be able to make love a handful of time a year, maybe. She says that she's trying to be mindful of my/our needs as a married couple while she gets her issues straight but she has yet to try and says that she knows she needs to get better. My fear is that IF she ever gets things straight, it won't be until my libido is gone forever. I'm not getting any younger.

Traditionally there are two common responses - get more hobbies or take a mistress. My wife strongly advised hobbies and not even think about newly widowed, tall, slender, glamorous Carole in Accounts (who clearly likes me).

I have lost my libido in my marriage many times due to depression & meds. The more my husband wanted sex the angrier I got & dug my heels in saying no. I knew this wasn't helping & made me feel bad.

So for me, & this might not help at all, but for me this is how I changed my thinking. Because sex all starts between the ears.
I started to view my husband as someone who wanted ME. Yeah he wanted sex, but he wanted ME. He wanted to do things to Me & be w/Me. This thinking became empowering. I'm a sexual being. I could have sex w/another human, but this human wants to be w/me. So the power part of it, to me, was special & helped me w/CSA issues.
I'm certainly not saying use sex as a weapon, like with holding or making someone beg for it. But the idea that someone wanted to be w/me, please me & love me...just for me....who could easily find someone else, well it helped me feel better as a person.
I'm not sure if this makes sense or helpful. But I wish you much luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you seem to make it a lot about you, and how she needs to get over her problems to serve you better... but she's likely not happy herself... what do you do for her? Do you do things for her to make her happy? Do you help her out in non-sexual ways and tell her you love her, with no pressures or expectations?

Relationships are about give and take. I find it pretty sexist, this old notion of wives always giving, giving and giving to their husbands, while the husbands just take, take and take from their wives. It takes TWO people to both be selfless for the other.

"Wives always giving, giving and husbands always taking taking"? Haha. No generalizations there at all. That may be your history but it is not mine. You started you post nicely. Then it went straight into the toilet from there.

Wow Blue that's awfully harsh. Obviously the post was about him because it's what HE is experiencing right now. He said he's being patient and understanding, what more do you want from him????

Men aren't wrong or immature for wanting sexual intimacy in their marriage anymore than women are wrong for wanting open communication, romance, etc.

I didn't say that's what all couples do, I said that's a sexist belief many people have that women have more of a responsibility to give, sexually and otherwise, then men do to give to women. And I was just asking if you do nice things for her, or if all you do is wait, patiently or non-patiently.

The florist is on speed dial. I now have the hands of a lumberjack from all the back and foot rubs. I do all of the cooking and most of the child care. I paid for her laser hair removal and I support her 100% with her evil family.

And before you slam me for it; I'm only saying this because you ask, not because I think she owes me anything for it. I've been there for her while she's fought through a lot and I was the collateral damage when she hit rock bottom! But I stayed with her because I love her dearly and that's why I stay faithful to her. If I'm a bad man for wanting to make love to my wife, to stay close and intimate and to feel loved by the person I have considered my soulmate, then I guess I'm just a bad man.

If all you wanted to know was if I do nice things for her, that's all you had to ask; not "Sorry but you make this alot about you...". Sheesh...

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you've actually lost your libido in so much as maybe there is anxiety or something else that is not putting sex at the top of your list. You said you enjoy it and can have it, but you just don't get that "feeling" (which I assume to mean "turned on") anymore.

That's different than actually not wanting sex. It sounds like you aren't turning your husband down, just not actually pursuing him and these are important distinctions.

Using myself as an example, not only does my wife not pursue me, but she rejects my advances as well. She flat out doesn't want sex. Now that sucks.

So I would offer a few things. One is that your husband needs to pursue you more. That would help move intimacy up your list of concerns. As he pursues you more you may find yourself getting "that feeling" going since it's not about just doing it, but the foreplay, building tension and emotional interaction ... you're playing again like you did when you were dating. Second I think it's important you both discuss what really is rejection. Just because you don't pursue doesn't mean you're rejecting him (which it sounds like you aren't) it just means that other things are getting in the way (which you're working on). Finally, marriage counseling is always a good way to go. It doesn't mean your marriage is in trouble, but that your working on making it better.

Lastly, you ask what I would do if my lady completely lost her libido, which she has. Frankly there's nothing I can think to do. I've don it all from special dinners to hand-written love letters to handling the laundry and such, you name it. I'm emotionally exhausted, rejected and lonely and that's going to be my life for a very long time to come.

Okay this is an easy question to answer. I would back my special lady 100%. I would help her figure out new ways to get that spark back and I would increase intimacy in other aspects of the relationship. I am a faithful companion and would stand by my woman through hell and back.

I have the opposite problem. I am a 48 year old woman with a history of csa and trauma. I have been married 26 years and I never wanted my husband more than I do now. I want that closeness (not necessarily sex) Problem is he doesn't have time for me . I am not a priority and I miss feeling close. I often feel lonely and neglected. I feel ashamed that I have practically thrown myself at him and I feel he feels obliged to reciprocate, that leaves me very hurt and frustrated. I am not unattractive and when we do have sex he says always feels good. He is 54 and I know his meds sometimes interfere. I miss intimacy and feeling like a partner instead of a roommate. I still enjoy sex with him and worry that he doesn't want it as much as I do.

You sound like my husband almost verbatim. I have told him he can go elsewhere to get what he needs while I am working through my issues (though I have also insisted if he does, condoms will become a must if/when we get going again), but he doesn't consider himself to be attractive enough (he can be so full of crap sometimes - he's super hot) and insists he only wants me. I'm very flattered, and I wish I could say it's enough, but my problems are so deeply seated in physiology and psychology, it doesn't help as much as I wish it would (though it does help some).

I think if I want to be the good wife I've always tried to be, I have to get past my feelings of dread (Note: all of us who were sexually abused have that feeling - it would do well for those of you who haven't experienced it to remember that - just sayin'), get over my feelings of 'I'm so disgusting and a royal slut' (see note above), and that disgusting feeling when my husband touches me the same way my sexual abuser did (again,see note above), I might get over all this.

I was able to 'get past' a lot of 'THE PAST' when my body reacted normally to my desire for my husband, but when my libido died, I found myself unable to do so anymore. Suddenly, it became more about the abuse than it did the man I wanted to please. I can't explain why or how that happened. All I know is that's what's happened, and I want to make it go away.

My T has suggested confronting my abuser. I found him (amazing how easy it is to find someone these days, isn't it?) and what I really want to do is to ambush him (like he did to me so many times when no one else was around) publicly. I wonder what his latest wife would think about that. Oh, and here's the TRULY creepy part...in my internet research, I discovered that after 27 years since my mother's divorce from him, and in spite of the fact that SHE KNOWS what he did to me, she still talks to him. How sick is that?

Thanks so much for your input bighands.

WW

I agree that sex all starts between the ears...and I am intrigued by the power part of it is what helped you with your CSA issues. That makes perfect sense to me.

Sex is very very powerful. It can bring us to our knees, humiliate us, raise us into the heavens & make us feel like gods (lol). I think it's all how it's perceived, our self talk & how we feel about ourselves.
Mine self perception still changes. I go thru horrible self esteem issues regarding sex & it takes some time to pull me out of it, but telling myself I DO have power, that this person doesn't "see" the stretch marks & mommy gut, they see me....my soul.
Well, that's empowering to me.

I feel that I would get a divorce in a marriage without sex.

Well, I guess it's obvious to everyone where your priorities lie...LOL!