Sexual Issues

Hi, I want to thank you in advance for your help and advise.

I am a 26 year old girl, I have been in a on and off relationship with a 29 year old man who I love very much, we are very happy together except for the fact that we do not have sex anymore.

At the beginning of the relationship we had amazing sex, everything was perfect, it´s been about a year since our sex life basically died, at first he had trouble keeping an erection for more than a minute, and when he finally did he ejaculated pretty fast.

I did not know how to handle this situation, and I started to panic and feel pretty insecure, with time I began to feel really depressed, because he would just avoid any type of sexual contact , he was affectionate, just not in a sexual way, my insecurities where not helping either, so we separated for about 5 months, but the truth is I am really in love with this person, and I believe he really loves me too, so we came back together about a year ago.

We had sex during those first months we came back together, and it was amazing I felt wonderful, it still was not as usual as I would´ve liked but it was something so I was happy and I thought the problem was solved.

Now be are back at the same point, its been about 5 months and he never initiates anything, not even to pleasure me or to do something fun even if it doesn't involve penetration, so I decided to take him to a doctor and had him tested for any ED related issues, he went and talked to the doctor, he recommended cialis and ran some test on him, the thing is, he never went to look for the test results because he told me he was sure it was not a physical issue.

So, I recently asked him to go to therapy, and he agreed, but the reality is he shows no interest in getting this problem fixed, he has not gone to therapy yet, although he said he would.But do I have to make the appointment? I mean there is no taking action on his side, he tells me he loves me and seems concerned, but its been so long, I am starting to wonder.

I have even thought that maybe he is questioning his sexual orientation, and I really don´t know if i should stay with him any longer.

Thank you for you support.

D.

I would break it off. You want things and he wants nothing. You already tried therapy and docs and nothing worked. I'd move on.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

I'm not so sure. Just how important is having sex? Important enough to leave someone you love?

What if you yourself went to a counselor and discussed the situation and considered your options?

Its not just sex, he seems to be uninterested in anything physical. Most people don't want to be in a relationship that doesn't have some sort of physical aspect.

I'd move on. I couldn't be your age (or even my age) and face a lifetime of no sex....or anything physical that's fun for that matter.

That makes sense, at least it would helpful. Thank you.

What bothers me is that he wasn't like this in the beginning, we had a very pleasant sex life, now I just don't understand, he seems like he is under pressure and afraid so he does absolutely nothing, honestly it is very awkward for me to initiate anything too because I feel like I am pressuring him. He doesn't do anything to solve the problem.

No sex, I'm out. I'm 41 btw. If you think that's old, you will be 40 in 15 years, um how's no sex or physical intimacy feeling now?

I myself think sex and intimacy are a big part of a relationship. If my bf all the sudden stopped having sex with me I would move on. He can always be my friend! It's not just the act itself. I think there's a level of intimacy when I'm with my partner and I think it does make us closer so without it, there wouldn't be a relationship.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

If you decide to stay & try to deal w/his problems, that for some reason he doesn't wanto solve to move the relationship forward, I can almost guarantee that you will start to feel resentment over the situation.
Sex is a healthy part of a relationship for you both. If you give up sex to be w/him, then why should be really bother to investigate the problem....if you're willing to go without.
Just my opinion.
Resentment will ruin a relationship.

I am already resenting him for doing nothing about this, you are absolutely right.
I am not willing to give up sex.

I also believe in the importance of intimacy, I think maybe I just really need to know why this is happening to him, I think it would help me move on. I just don't understand, maybe he isn't into me anymore and doesn't have the courage to tell me, but then again, he is very loving and does everything for me.
thank you for answering, I feel so confused.

Will the reason behind his lack of interest determine whether or not you stay with him? These issues can't be resolved overnight with a little blue pill. And it may be a secret you'd rather not want to know. If he feels as strongly as you that early on sex was "amazing," he should be RUNNING to get help. You may need to establish a deadline for him to get help and make it clear if he quits, you will too. Take care and good luck. Oh BTW, you know this is not your fault, right?

I think he has issues to deal with. I would break up and I would let him deal with them. Then If you love each other, you can get back together in the future.

If you are married to a person you love & they have sexual issues you don't just get a divorce & say "see you later". If he's Very loving &willing to do things for you then there is something there otherwise he wouldn't bother. What concerned me more is the lack of real communication connection you even have with him. It's not like you are asking him what he's feeling especially when he's sure the problem isnt physical. It's not like you seem concerned about him it seems you are more just concerned that he isn't performing sexually & he needs to go figure it out & you are pushing that rather than truly connecting with him emotionally..you are pushing him to md's & therapy rather than you using this as a chance to connect & maybe even help him work through this together to get that understanding of where he is really coming from yourself.

Sex is important in relationships but it's NOT everything. Connecting emotionally through good communication is MORE important. Without that you have NO relationship at all....& your lack of knowing where he is coming from indicates lack of emotional connection through communication which is where every relationship needs to start....not with sex

Wow, that was really a helpful and different point of view, you see, whenever I try to communicate and ask him how he feels, he just tells me he doesn´t know or understand what is happening either, he tells me it is not a physical issue and he tells me that I am not the problem, but maybe you are right, it could be true that he doesn´t fell 100% safe to open up about how he is feeling, I will try to improve how I am communicating with him.

Thank you very much.