Am I abnormal???

So, I am beginning to think my relationships are based on a foundation of intimacy. And I feel like a monster. When I am intimate in a relationship and my partner and I have a healthy physical lifestyle, we are great. We get along. I am happy. He is happy. There are no fights. There are no arguments.

I had a great 3 year relationship with a man, no issues with mis-matched libidos, but year 4 he started to have trouble with ED and, as AWFUL as this sounds, the relationship spiraled down in a mere 6 months and ended in divorce. Of course, at the TIME I was not aware of how much a lack of intimacy changed my mood. I just know that we fought all the time, I was unhappy, I was unsatisfied, and we weren't a team anymore.

Fast forward to now. I have been with a man for nearly 2 years. During the first 6 months, our physical relationship was phenomenal. Then we moved in together. And, it began to fizzle out. Today, it is nonexistent. I am keyed up, frustrated, and beyond confused. For about the first 6 months of the trouble, I did not mention it and thought "Maybe its stress, maybe he is tired, maybe he doesn't feel well." I never complained, never pushed him, and when he would reject me, I didn't take it personally. Then, I started to become more open about my desires. I started to express my needs. He basically blew me off.

Its gotten to the point that I even mentioned us having an open relationship. I love this man, but I need to make love with my partner. I have had several men tell me that I am too driven. That my libido is too high. Its not like I banging down their door on an hourly basis. But, I do expect to be physical at least 2-3 times a week. Is that too much?! Naturally, I am not feeling very attractive or desirable. It is really messing with my ego.

When I am single, I don't have these problems. But, when I am with a man, I really value and cherish the physical part of a relationship. It is natural and healthy. I hear men complaining all the time about women being the ones to shut it down, but I am finding it can go both ways!

Please help! Tell me I'm not a monster!!! Are my expectations too high? Or, am I just finding (time after time) that my partners are not right for me? I hate to trivialize a relationship down to this, but it is a VERY important part of a partnership to me and it took me years to be comfortable enough to admit that.

Sorry you're suffering with this jaymoq. This is obviosuly a tough thing to deal with. I'm sure that you've noticed this issue discussed here lately.

These things are very age, health, medicine dependent. Can you tell us your ages and if there are any mental or physical health issues that could be having an effect on the relationship?

No. You're honest.

Definitely. Currently, I am 26. He is 35. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which I do know can be taxing on a relationship, but the symptoms have been present for its entirety. It was actually moving in that seemed to stifle things this time. I do not have any physical health issues. He has had a lapband surgery but is otherwise in good health. He does get testosterone injections weekly. In terms of functioning, he has never had any issue there. It is getting him interested in intimacy where the problem starts. He would much rather watch tv or sleep than be physical with me. He stays up so late that by the time he comes to bed, he is too exhausted to do anything else but sleep. That can be frustrating.

As far as past relationships, I have dated men in excellent physical health that were 1 year older than me to 5 years older than me in varying health and continue to find that their sexual interests are typically much lower than mine.

I know that eventually, my libido will decrease, but in the meantime, I am struggling to maintain this relationship or any other based on the physical appetite of the mates I seem to pick. Even as a younger woman at 20, I dated a 21 year old male and he told me was "getting too old" and was not interested in sex anymore. I have had men ask me "Have your other boyfriends ever had a problem with how often you like sex?"

Is wanting to have sex 2-3 times a week really that strange? Is being honest about my expectations or desires selfish of me? Am I putting way too much emphasis on sexual compatibility?

I had a very high sex drive.
I think it is partially do to the fact that I was unmediated for years.

It is less high lately. I am a 50yr. F.

It's never easy to get sex drives synced up between partners. I don't think your weird or unreasonable, and as you are predicting, once you libido goes down your male partners will be wishing they could have sex even once a week or month.

We've been through similar...between physical health issues, medication side effects, my wife stating she was fulfilled even without sex, to me being a gay man in a heterosexual marriage...makes sexual activity the hardest thing to see eye to eye on. We do, not as often as either one of us wants...but we do appreciate it very much when we do find the moments to be sexually intimate.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you can put as much emphasis as you want on sex and sexual compatibility, but please don't lose sight of there are positives in your life even with limited sexual activity.

Sex is important but it sounds like you're not building up other key parts of the relationship.

In other words, this is a huge reason why so many relationships die after so many years. People don't take time to develop the truer deeper love.

Being honest about this to your man is never wrong. Keep talking to him about it so he knows how you feel. 2-3 times a week is not all that crazy. But if your drive is higher than his, maybe once a week you can take matters "into your own hands" so to speak just to lessen the pressure on him a bit. To be honest, I think most men are in the twice a week range. If he's not on any kind of meds and doesn't have any history of sexual abuse, it's fair to expect him to be in that range too.

The thing that worries me in the things you mentioned is his staying up late. A very common issue these days is when men stay up late and watch pornography and use that to self satisfy; leaving their woman upstairs lonely and unsatisfied. You might want to have a gentle talk with him and see if that's what's going on. If you come at it as just a concern and not an attack, maybe you could even incorporate it into you bedroom activities? If he admits to this, try not to get angry as it may make him defensive. It might just be his way of dealing with performance anxiety.

No matter how you look at it, matching libidos is a very tough thing. Good luck and keep talking!