what's wrong with me?

here we go. please bare with me. i truly need some sort of comfort or advice.

i had not had sex/felt sexual attraction for 6+ months (which is very unlike me). last week, all of a sudden, i was hanging out with a guy friend... more of an old crush... i felt it again. i was confused and yet happy because my sex drive was a big part of me that just diminished out of nowhere. all we did was watch movies and kiss a bit. it was fine. we had hung out in the past and watched movies and made out or whatever. i felt safe. a few nights later, it happened again. but this time, we began to mess around. i told him and myself several times that i didn't want to have sex. because i know i would instantly get attached. i told him i would want to be more than friends. he told me that i wouldn't get attached and that we could still hang out and watch movies and go out or whatever else. that he wouldn't hurt or drop me.(he never once said he would possibly want to be more than friends.) he just asked me to not change or "get weird" on him. well, while "messing around", i kept stopping, saying i didn't want to have sex. maybe next time. not now. i admit, it was getting heated. i did want to. but i wanted to break the cycle even more. i tried so hard and i still ****ed it up. he started doing some serious teasing and i finally just gave in. after he was done, he instantly put clothes on and was ready to take me home. we had been hanging out for a few hours and it was around 3 AM and he had work in the morning. but it was like he finally got what he wanted and it was over with. i tried to suck it up but i could feel the tears building before i even left his bedroom. i began to silently cry in the truck on the way home and he asked what was wrong. i said nothing (of course). he pulled over and asked me again. i manned up and told him i didn't like how it happened and that i was afraid and how it made me feel that he instantly brought me home. he apologized and tried to make me feel better. he told me he wouldn't hurt me and reassured me that he isn't like other guys. of course. he also said he would prove it. and brought me home. but they ALL say these things. this has happened to me quite a few times. why do i keep doing this to myself? i will not want to have sex (because i know how i will feel after), finally give in under pressure and in the moment, and hate myself for days to come. i know he is single. he talks with tons of other girls. he probably has nights like we had with so many people. although he says not. he is very attractive so why would i even think i had a chance when he could have anyone? i wish i didn't care so much. i wish i wasn't like this. i'm embarrassed and we have been texting and it has been normal. i shove my feelings to the side because i know he will not understand. and they would scare him away. (i am a victim of CSA so i know i do have issues with sex)
i need some clarity. some understanding. please help.
sorry it is so long.

I understand. I've done it many times. Always regretting it afterwards. I finally broke the cycle but at a price. I'm now married to someone I'm not attracted to at all. But at least I'm not going through all of the self hate and heartache that I used to feel.

This is not the way I wish it had happened but I'm content.

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I understand. I told myself that three years ago I was done with sex. That I was waiting for the right guy. I just keep breaking the cycle for people who say they love me. The people I know will break my heart in the long run. Its like after sex comes a relationship and I cant have that with the guys that I date.