self loathing and gay

I feel kinda confused and i am now 34. I came out at 29. But i still feel a failure to my parents etc that i didn't give them what they wanted. Marriage,good job and kids etc. Instead i am just floating about from pillar to post never settling and i feel useless. I struggled to come to terms with being gay and i don't really enjoy sex with women or men. I am single my longest relationship was a year and i just like my freedom too much yet i crave company at times.

I wish i was more clear in what i want but i am muddled up. Can anyone identify with these feelings?

Hello bonkeroo81: I recall sitting in a group therapy session when I was participating in a partial hospital program quite a few years ago now. I said: "You know how, during awards shows, people sometimes say how they wish their parents could have lived to see them get the award they're receiving? Well I'm glad my parents didn't live to see this... (my being in a partial hospital program following an involuntary psych ward hospitalization.) My parents had high expectations for me, which is kind-of funny because all they ever did was to go to work & then come home & watch TV. As I've gotten older myself, what my parents had wanted from me has become less-&-less important, to the point where it really no longer matters at all. We, each of us, have to live for ourselves.

What you are struggling with is very difficult indeed. What may help is to separate the issues. That might make it easier for you. Issue 1. Feeling your parents believe you are a failure. The list you have included marriage, career and kids. What other expectations did they have? Doctor? A very big house? Nobel Peace Prize? While I hope for the best for my daughter, I'm not going to banish her if she doesn't fulfill MY DREAMS for her. So, whose dreams? Yours or your parents dreams? On the other hand, are YOU disappointed you don't have kids and a career? Which leads sort of to issue 2. Sexual identity and relationships. Are you struggling with being gay or with being lonely? Relationships, whether straight or gay, are not always easy to start or maintain. But there's no reason to hate yourself if things aren't going as you would hope. No, my friend, don't buy into that you are being punished because of who you are. And if people like your parents want to harp on how disappointed they are in you, its they who really need help. So please, think about tackling each one of these issues separately. But most of all, know that you are not alone in your struggle. That's why we are all here. To help one another. Soon you will be encouraging others yourself as you discover new paths to happiness. Good luck and best wishes.

Hi Bonkeroo, welcome to PC. Don't feel bad about your sexuality. Times are changing. Now i understand a bit of what you are going through. I was born both sexes and my mother decided to make me a girl rather than a boy. I was raised as a girl, yet i have always been a tomboy and thought like a man. I was transgendered at birth because that is what they did way back then in the day. Now I have the opportunity to be my own person. The world is very hateful and prejudice against things they do not understand or know. Be true to yourself. I basically am going through a divorce for my spouse flipped out with PTSD. They are not coming back. Myself, I am more or less and A SEXUAL. That is a person who is not attracted to either sex yet desires the company of others. That is something you might want to check out. Don't measure yourself by the norms of society for they shall fail you. Do what feels comfortable for you. Life is miserable when you live life for other people trying to please them and rob yourself of joy. I don't want to see you fall into that trap. Be happy and know you are not alone. Check out the forum index and you will find gender issues there. You can express yourself there in more detail. Welcome and blessings... tc

I totally identify with the parents thing. I came out when I was 14, which did not go over well with anyone. I lived with my girlfriend from 18-20 and then when we broke up I met a guy that I did end up loving very much. I married him knowing that we wanted really different things - he wanted kids and the picket fence and all that and I didn't - but on some level I really thought I should just give my parents what they wanted. While I did love my ex-husband I doubt I would have married him had I not felt on some level that my parents would be happier if I was "normal." I was so miserable up until the wedding, we were fighting all the time, and we split 13 months after we married. After that, I think my mom realized that she just wanted me to be happy, whatever the context.

I think ultimately what all parents want is for their kids to be happy. It scares them when their kids are different from how they are, but that doesn't doom you to an unhappy life. I have seen lots of parents come around to their adult children who are LGBTQ. As far as the rest of it goes, just date people casually. That way you have your freedom but still companionship. Figure out what you need to do to feel like you aren't floating about anymore.

Toby Johnson's work will make you feel a lot better in your situation look him up.