Is this normal w/first intimate partner?

Is it normal to feel feelings of longing & associate sexual arousal only with your first sexual partner after breakup?

My ex was almost 15 years older than me and I met him during undergrad. He was the first man I ever saw naked, was naked in front of and or did anything more than kiss. We broke up this year and I'm not seeing anyone else. I also don't have any plans to.

He slept with a sex worker a few months after our breakup and I wondered if it was because he'd had sex before so it was easy for him to do something intimate like that with someone else. He said it was he just wanted a body and that it was unfulfilling because he missed what he had with me & sex with the sex worker was all business and not intimate. That he was with a sex worker ruined any chance of reconciliation for me. He is a csa survivor & it disgusted me that he did that.

I have no interest in being with anyone else sexually and feel it impossible to even have the desire for it because it took me so long to share that part of myself with my ex. Is this normal?

I would like these feelings to go away as they are preventing me from moving on.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How long did it take you to move on emotionally from your first intimate partner?

short version you will never forget your first one and will never lose that attraction to the first one, simply because he was your first one..

this is just how the brain works. usually the first of anything in life makes a huge impact and strong memories, strong emotions on a person. therefore the brain is primed to remember the "firsts" in life. even something like a childs first tooth, ask any parent if they remember their childs first tooth and the answer is yes. ask any girl if they remember their first period, their first boyfriend, their first date, their first anything and they will usually remember. just because of the emotions and memories tied to their firsts.

how long does it take for you to move on emotionally...well each person is different, some people can move on to the next one relatively easy despite their memories and emotions tied to their first and others it can take years.

one tip is to keep an open mind and not compare the nexts to the first. that way you are open to all the fun and experiences that a new person in your life can bring.

example I could sit here and compare my present love of my life to my first but they would only cause my own heart pain, cause me to miss out on all those things that my love of my life brings to your friendship, relationship, marriage, hopes and dreams.

just take it one step at a time and when you are ready for another love in your life it will happen for you.

Thank you, Amanda. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'll keep what you've said in mind. It's tough sitting with this grief. Your post made me feel hopeful.

I've never posted in this section of the forums, but I've just got to speak up on this. I will agree that the majority of people will remember their first time in this matter. But to never lose the attraction? No. About my first guy, I have zero sentimentality let alone attraction.

To the entire next paragraph, again, no. Not a single one. I do appreciate the use of the word "usually" a couple times in there (not being sarcastic--it is appreciated). I believe everyone is wired individually, with no aspect being a given. It brings to mind things one hears all the time, such as variations of "every girl dreams of their wedding day" or that one should love their mother because it is their mother. I think there are a whole lot of these assumptions/traits/expectations what-have-you, especially regarding females. Personally, my idea of hell is women in a gaggle talking "women's things". I've literally crawled under tables to get away from it. Or that we just can't resist babies. You get the idea. These things may not be unusual, but I (and anyone else who can relate to what I'm saying) am still normal even in fulfilling none of them.

Including my belief that "firsts" are so powerful as all that. That's more likely to be a function of one's level of sentimentality, but it's not a hard wired given.

But this is not about me. It is simply to point out that everyone is different. No one is hard wired to remembering or feeling ANY way about anything.

I agree with the rest. You'll move on and feel the feelings you feel along the way in your own time, rouge198. Don't rush it or hide away. Don't worry, things will unfold in due time, your time. You say you wish for the feelings to go away. They will. Break ups can be very painful and when it is, that pain is just part of the process. It's ok, even though it sucks. One of the words that really jumps out is "impossible". Don't worry, it's not impossible. You just don't feel it now. But who knows what the future holds? You may marvel some day that you ever even thought that(!)

Also, it may well be that you are just very monogamously oriented. It is that way for me. I am turned on 100% by my BF of 6 years. I never ever think of anyone else in that regard. But before him, it was 25 years with my ex. And before that... You get the picture. The relationship AND the physical. I need both. And that only belongs to one person at a time. Some random person? Zero interest. It's not really a matter of the number of people one has been with, it's a function of each person's individual wiring. So I get what you are saying in finding it impossible to imagine feeling for someone else. But who knows what the future holds? Maybe you just can't imagine it simply because you haven't yet met someone who inspires you in that way. You may well find yourself very pleasantly surprised in that department.

Good luck in all of it! You just be you.

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

How long ago did you break up? You also seem to still be rather emotionally intimate with him, given than you are still communicating with him and he confided in you that he visited a sex worker. It's difficult to move on from a romantic relationship if that person is still a part of your life. I am friends with most of my exes, but there needs to be some time passing to get over each other before you get close as friends.

I think it's normal to not be able to imagine being with other people - especially since he was your first sexual partner. Everyone is different. I think it's good that you're being gentle with yourself and not trying to rush moving on. Getting over a breakup can be a slow process. After my last breakup, even though I have been in many relationships, it was difficult for me to imagine wanting to be sexual with someone new. It took about a year for me to not feel that way. It was a big love and a tough breakup so opening up that part of myself to someone new wasn't something that was easy to imagine when I was still in pain. Give yourself time to heal.

Can I ask what is the significance of mentioning that he is a CSA survivor?

Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. I haven't spoke to him in a few months. After he disclosed that he'd been with someone else, it changed how I saw him and I couldn't talk to him without thinking of that. I don't think we'll ever speak again. I'm glad he told me but it ruined my view of him and really tainted every memory of our relationship. I'm not sure he could have ever loved me if he did something like that right after me.

I think I'm going to be very slow to get to know someone else because I don't generally trust people and I have unfortunately met more people who mislead than not. I dont like that in getting to know someone I have to just trust that they'll tell me the truth. There's too much that I can't know. Like women dating my ex can't know all the things he did to me and I had no idea those same things were done to his other exes, until I researched myself. I don't want to have to research anyone else but unfortunately most people will have a more extensive dating and sexual history than me, so I'll end up either just staying single or doing that research when I start dating.

It I thought it might make his less likely to sexually exploit another but that wasn't the case.

I think going slowly is good, in general. We all put our best face forward when meeting a potential romantic partner so we have to get to know the person they are underneath, and vice versa. Moving too fast causes many, many problems.

This statement concerns me: "I'm not sure he could have ever loved me if he did something like that right after me."
I wonder why you think that? Have you been in therapy before? I think therapy could help you process some of this in safe environment. I'm not sure what happened that required research but that might also be something that it would be helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor about. Even though most people will have a more extensive dating or sexual history than you do, that doesn't have to be a negative or a drawback. If you talk about what happened with your ex to someone, you may find that some of this stuff was not the norm? At this point you have no one else to compare it to. I don't think you mentioned how old you are, but it seems premature to resign yourself to staying single at this point.

are you a CSA survivor?

Hi DBTDiva,

Thank you again for commenting. I really appreciate it.

My thinking is that if someone could do something that intimate with someone else after a lengthy relationship then they can't have really felt anything for their ex.

I've been in therapy before and have been struggling to find a new therapist. I have a few threads about it on here. I know what you're saying is right. I'm hoping to find a good therapist but it looks like it may not happen.

I shouldn't have used the word research but my ex told a few lies early on that really hindered the growth of our relationship, many of them he told in order to impress me or cover up things he thought would lead me to leave him or look down on him. Eventually I discovered them all and by that point he'd started being more forthcoming but it was too late, I was triggered by him all the time because he represented so much uncertainty. Then he was triggered by me because I needed control to feel even a tiny bit safe and that meant him checking in and whatnot. It was painful and needed to end but I can't seem to forgive myself for not ending it sooner and loving myself enough to.

He wasn't all bad and that's what I also struggle with. He was always extremely supportive of my career, education and general life choices, many times sacrificing his stuff for mine. Then he would lie or explode in rage and I couldn't understand how he could be so kind and also so cruel or so brilliant and spiritually knowledgeable but morally inept.

Until I know how to pick someone with more stability, I need to only be in relationship with myself. I think not loving myself is why I picked that.

Well it sounds like you're working through everything and you have some insight, which is good. In general, I feel like whatever comes after a relationship has no bearing on that relationship. Whatever he chooses to do at this point has nothing to do with you or your relationship with him. The kind of sex a person has with a sex worker tends to be very different, intimacy-wise, from the type of sex someone has with a romantic partner. Many people are able to separate the two (sex & intimacy) and one can have nothing to do with the other. That can be difficult to understand if you've not had a lot of experience with sex. I think what's important is to not make yourself feel worse because of things he's doing since the relationship has ended. His motivations are his own. I think you are on the right track, but therapy could certainly help!

I think you're being a little judgmental of your ex. Not everyone equates sex with love. A child sexual abuse survivor learns to DIS-equate sex with love out of survival. Yeah....if sex=love, then whoa.....its mind blowing to think that the abuse you're experiencing is actually love? No... I'm a CSA survivor and I don't equate sex with love. I don't even equate sex with "like"....! Sex is just sex. Yeah, I've had sex with people I like, but I don't assume that they like/love me because they have sex with me. The only thing that is fair to assume is that they actually like having sex with me! Beyond that, its anyone's guess. I think its a bit of a defense mechanism to say that if he went out and paid for sex that he never loved you. You've got very strict guidelines for what love is and what love is not.....I encourage you to try and think beyond this.

Most certainly many people forget their firsts and never think of them let alone sex with them. I have no feelings or much recollection of my first and we were together for few years.

People take different length of time to get over, some need longer but to say that people can't forget their exes is just unrealistic.

If we only desired our firsts and wouldn't want to be with new partners,
we would never be in a relationship again. It's rather depressing thought! I honestly have never heard such thing!

I am almost 50 and have mind blowing sex with my fiancée. We were both married before and I had other relationships in between but it doesn't stop us from enjoying each other!

Give it time and you will move on. Don't worry about his sex life though.

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