Confused because of past history **trigger**

I'm starting to feel quite confused about my sexuality. Not really looking for answers because I know it has to come from me, but if anyone has any thoughts then please feel free to let me know!!

I'm a 28 year old woman, I've only had one sexual encounter and that ended up being non-consensual sex (can't use the **** word). That was 5 years ago and I haven't had any relationships since. I've been in therapy the last couple of years to sort out a lot of different issues. But recently I've started to think about sexuality a lot, and about myself and how I 'fit in' with the world. And I've realised I have a lot of feelings towards women, to the point where I'm questioning that I might be gay (or bi.. or something!) It's all a bit skewed up because I know I have very twisted up feelings about men and part of me wonders if I'm leaning towards women because I'm scared of men. But then if that were the case I would probably just be scared of men and have no feelings towards women?!

This is the first time I've ever even started to acknowledge that I might feel this way. It's all a bit scary. I can't imagine having a solid relationship with a woman, but then I can't really imagine that with a man either. But having grown up imagining the 'get married, have kids' traditional gender role scenario.. I just feel a bit lost and confused!!! Any thoughts very gratefully received!

Hello silverleaf: I'm an older person who has had allot of gender-identity issues thoughout life. (It's a long story.) But what this has taught me is that sexual orientation & gender identity issues can be extremely confusing. At least they have been for me. I still haven't figured any of it out, really. From my perspective, I think what may be important is to find a therapist who is knowledgeable & experienced regarding sexual orientation issues. It takes time, & guidance, to sort through the many aspects of these issues. Good luck!

I will give my opinion, but let me make a couple of points first:

I don't think it's a good idea to have sex with multiple people before you marry or commit to a life with someone.
A relationship does not have to include sex.
It is possible to be attracted to someone with no sexual intentions.

Now, you said the only time you have had sex you were more or less raped? I can see that turning you off men. But you have not really had a loving relationship with a man or woman. I understand being attracted to one or the other, but how does a person know they like the sex if they haven't done it?

I would advise you to not be worried about your orientation right now. You should spend time with both sexes as friends first, which should be done with any relationship. If you see things developing beyond friendship, then you might give more thought to what you want.

You sound pretty mature and level headed.

I suffered from bisexual conflict or confusion when I was younger and as a result had a hard time establishing any kind of meaningful romantic relationship. The culture that I was in at the time really had a taboo on same sex relationship plus I, like you, always dreamed of one day getting married and raising a family. My conflict was so prominent that I ended up having several breakdowns when I was in my 20's. It wasn't until I was around 30 that I fell into a relationship while I was coming down from a breakdown with this young lady who was really in need of a relationship also. That relationship lasted a couple of years. I had another relationship with this other lady for several years and then I ended up marrying another lady and having a couple of kids with her. That relationship lasted about 13 years. I am currently married to another lady who is much nicer than my ex-wife and hopefully we will grow old together.
I don't think that there would be anything wrong with you exploring a same sex relationship. I think it was Tennyson who said that it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

I think this is more common than you realize. I pretty much exclusively date women and I think the number of sexual assaults is much higher than 1 in 4. Almost everyone I dated had been either sexually abused/molested as a child or r***ed/sexually assaulted as an adult. I don't think it was just that I attracted people who were survivors of sexual assault, I think that it just happens to a lot of people, especially women. Even if you are attracted to women because you are scared of men, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. As long as you aren't forcing yourself to be with someone you don't want to be with, I think it's ok. I think maybe people's sexuality is also a lot more fluid than anyone, especially society, wants to admit. As other people have said, there are a lot of relationships that don't include sex. You might want to work on being able to envision a future with someone, anyone, and then deal with the rest later?