mistakes of my past is haunting me

i tried to talk to someone but did not have the guts to finish up my sentences and the subjects, because i was and am so ashamed of my past.

so to start from the beginning, from the time that i was little i used to like hanging out with boys because i thought hanging up with them might help me hanging up with the girls, and by time passed i realize now that i used to spend more time with boys and start talking with them more easily than women, even though i love women i get aroused by them, before turning 18 i was rejected by girls many times, and it was like i was carving for a love or anything sweet that time, in my age of 18 i had a (male) friend and he though me so many things including smoking and even sex, i don't know how it happened but we had sex and once in 3 months we used to meet and fool around and have sex and etc, i think at that time i was ok with that because i was feeling that someone is wanting me and i want them it was like the lost feeling that i found, i wasn't being dominated, we were doing it by rounds i think if i a remembering right. i traveled abroad for 2 years that time and whenever i used to go to an internet cafe, i used look what people are using to chat and hook up with girls, so i use them, i was not able to get laid with any one at that time, i was always afraid of losing what i had so never had the balls to ask for more than i used to get, which was kissing and Maybe some touching, one time i was broke did not have money at all and wasn't going to get salary until end of the week, so when i was at an internet cafe there was a guy sitting behind me, and he was gay i started to chat with him using the same website and we chat for sometime then i agreed to sleep with him for 20$ which was so much money at that time in the country that i was working, so we went to his house we slept together he dominated me, almost raped me, but i was taking all the pain with the point that i am going to get money so that i can live the rest of the week (food and transportation). but eventually he did not pay me and instead he let me to rub my penis between his legs and masturbate like that . fortunately i was able to go through the week. he told me about some gay websites, which i started to use to get acquainted with people cross-dressers, shemale, and since it was easy to hook up with them more than girls i was able to sleep with them without paying money and i was the person who was dominating so that was ok for me, and in the mean while i used to meet with girls too and go out and talk and etc. months passed , years passed i was still using that website from time to time and was always trying to hangout with anyone i get for free, to satisfy my sexual desires. i am ashamed of my self right now that i had done all those stuff in my past, and i want to move on, to be honest till now i get aroused of watching shemale porn, but i prefer having real sex with women and not men, nor shemales, it's not that it did not cross my mind, but i am forcing my self not to go down that road again.

how can i overcome of my past ? how can i feel ok that it was in the past and i am straight now, i love women i am not gay. i want to be with women not men.

i don't want to open this subject with my therapist cause i am afraid of his reaction or his answer. once we have talked and his reaction about homosexual or bisexual people were not ethical that's why i decided to talk here where so many unknown people could give me ideas may be one of them might help me ..

thanks

If your therapist told you homosexuality is unethical you need to find a new T. One who will not judge you. a therapist should not be imposing their judgements on you.
It sounds like there have been a lot of confusing feelings and events in your past, and it's important you are given a non-judgmental space to work through them. I hope you can come to let go of the shame you attach to your past actions and begin to show yourself some compassion. Only then will you be able to move forward.

You definitely need a new T. I can't believe they said that to you. Utter crap!

For what its worth, nothing you have said, has made me think you have done anything wrong at all. I really can't see anything in what you have said, that makes me think you have any reason to be ashamed.

This line makes me sad. You should not be forcing yourself to go against your own sexuality. If you are aroused by guys and girls then you are bi. Theres nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with forcing yourself to go against your own natural desires.

Hello gmclaughlin484: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! First of all, I'd like to second what Echos Myron wrote. I also wonder though. You wrote that you're ashamed of your past & forcing yourself not to go down that road again. But you still get aroused watching shemale porn. You wrote that you want to have sex with women, not men or shemales. Is this what you genuinely prefer at this point? Or is it what you've decided you should prefer? From my perspective, I think there is an important distinction here. Ultimately you can't force yourself to be something you're not. You can try. But in the end it will only bring you misery.

So again from my perspective, I feel it is important to be clear in your own mind with regard to where your sexual orientation really lies. This may very well be something you'll need therapeutic help with to figure out. And this is where finding a non-judgmental therapist comes in. It is also important to find one who is knowledgeable about & experienced in working with individuals who have sexual orientation issues. Just because a person is a therapist doesn't mean they know anything about sexual orientation issues. A therapist who is lacking in the appropriate skills & experience can do more harm than good, in my opinion.

There is also another distinction here I would like to draw. From what you wrote it sounds as though you had allot of casual sex with people who were pretty-much strangers. You've also spent quite a bit of time involved with porn. And it sounds as though you have a fair amount of guilt & shame built up around that. It is important, I believe, to differentiate between sexual orientation, on the one hand, & sexual activity, on the other. Simply because a person is gay, does not mean that they necessarily engage in casual sex & pornography. In the past, when LGBTQ people were even more discriminated against than they are today, many were forced by society into this type of lifestyle. However, nowadays, LGBTQ people have long-term committed relationships, marry & raise families. So even if, in your heart-of-hearts, you are gay, that doesn't mean you have to be engaging in casual sex with strangers & spending time watching porn. Does that make sense?

As far as how to overcome your past goes, this is something I have allot of experience with. There is a mountain of stuff in my past I wish never would have happened. It haunts me day-in & day-out... morning, noon & night. But the reality is that it all happened. I can't change any of it. And you can't either. So, from my perspective, what is important is to be able to accept what is in the past & move on. It does no good to try to stuff these memories down or to try to ignore them. In fact, this just makes them come back all the stronger. So what I do is: when a difficult thought or memory comes up, I welcome it. I smile to it & breathe into it. Sometimes I will place my hand over my heart as a sign of compassion for it. It is like a little troll that has popped up to pester me. But it has no power over me beyond what I give to it. I can accept it with lovingkindness & compassion knowing that it is in the past & I am a different person now. And then I can allow it to fade away of its own accord. There's no denying that sitting with emotionally charged memories can be difficult. But it is possible. And it gets easier over time... not easy... but easier...

The Skeezyks wishes you well...

I don't know why they moved this from the psychotherapy forum. I would strongly urge you to find another therapist. This is something that's totally worth working out in that setting. I believe most are trained not to behave as this one has (with judgments about sexuality and gender identity).

I agree with finding a new therapist. One that you can be honest with. One that you can work on self forgiveness with. One that can help you put the past in the past.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree with everyone else, but I would also add that if you're worried about your therapist or anyone else finding out about your past, posting what I assume is your actual address under your location and what may be your real name for your user name may not be what you want to do. It's a public forum after all.

thank you all for your comments, and replies, as a matter of fact i would like to focus on several points you have mentioned, please forgive me for the order

- first of all none of my information about me including address name city country are real.
- changing my doctor is a bit hard but not impossible since he is helping me to overcome other issues which i have opened up to him, and since it is hard to find a good doctor wherever i live.
- i like shemale porn but the kind that the shemale with women and not shemale with shemale or shemale with male.
- i have girl friend now and everything is ok between us regarding our sex life.
- i realized something the other day that my being attracted or aroused to shemale started when i moved to the another country and when i started to join those websites and etc, until then it was probably in an hibernation mode.
- i have never opened up with my doctor about this issue, whatever i said here was based on a reaction that he made when the gay word came out in the subject and i said that i am not gay, thank God.
- i agree with what you have mentioned about forgiving my self and welcome it , which intersects with one of the readings that i found couple of days ago which will read it soon (I Love You, I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me: Ho'oponopono)
- you know what, deep inside me when i don't think about the gender in who i want to be with, i come up with an realization that i want to be with a person that loves me and cares about me and have feminine characteristics, feminine body shape and not to be masculine in any way
- and i think that it might be when being with a feminine person i am considering them a female and continue the being