BDSM/Fetish Lite

Hello.

I've read a lot of psych lit stating that some BDSM activities and fetishes are not inherently bad or unhealthy. Instead sexuality presents itself in a million different ways and flavors for the millions of people on the planet.

I feel drawn toward some of the lighter aspects of BDSM like sensory play and voyeurism and exhibitionism, and even the submissive role. But so much else I really can't wrap my head around and can even be repulsed by it. Like ropes and furniture and pain, etc. It all seems so dark to me. And yet I somehow want to engage with this community because it seems necessary to get the aspects that I do want. At the 'parties' around here, it seems like you have to be willing to share the space with some other stuff you might not want.

Just curious if anyone here might some input or experience to draw on. I'm on fetish network site but I feel so awkward and inexperienced sexually-- so vanilla-- to even discuss it on there.

Any thoughts appreciated.

I would never join a scene. I am not a joiner.
I have experimented with different aspects but only with a partner.

What in particular did you want to know?

Wifey and I have done some really light stuff. Tying up, blindfolds, gentle spanking and such. It's important to explore your sexuality and experiment in a loving, caring and supportive environment. I think it's more important to find a good partner than any scene (like ValentinaVVV said). You don't have to accept things you're not interested in. It's your body. Period.

I've got a lot of experience in this space. What precisely were you looking to know? Also an ethical BDSM relationship generally involves mutual written consent by both /all parties involved, especially when it comes to "community" activities.

Agree ^

There are also varying degrees of kink. There are things I would only allow with someone I trusted and knew.

I've found the scene much more accepting of boundaries than in 'real' life, and in a 'community' setting I've felt safer than in a traditional club! It sounds to me like the scene you have been attending could be improved upon. Don't be afraid to say 'I aint doin' that'

Its been well over a decade since I participated in anything like this, so I hope it hasn't changed.

I am on a fetish site too go to your local munches and socials talk to people that's the only way you can get past these fears.

I too enjoyed the fetish site I was on. Great place for info & research.
But I must say get to know your munch, bdsm community very well. I got to know people, but also realized some very negative things about my home community so I left it.
I did learn some things.

Everyone is different! And if you can accept that, then you're fine. Yes I don't understand everything when it comes to fetishes, but my type of kink I practice can usually repulse people. Which makes me very leery to play in public. But I know there are some that only come to watch & that's fine with me.

I'd recommend Before you do anything is to figure out what you want! What you like. What you hate. What you might try & what is absolutely off limits. Keep this list handy. Make changes to it as you're ready to.

I've seen newbies on a scene say, I like everything! Yeah that always ends in tears, miscommunication & major issues.
Speak your mind. Clearly. Respect yourself. Respect others & their choices. Trust your gut. Say no when you mean it.
If you're looking for a partner ask lots of questions, look for red flags, ask around your community (some will even offer references), & yes as someone said...get it in writing. Protect yourself.

Most of ALL! Enjoy the journey! It's quite a ride

I was on a sex site for about a week. Then I got freaked out because I knew some people on there IRL. I don't want to know everyone's sex stuff and have them know mine.I live in a small city!

Nothing wrong with BDSM, as long as it doesn't involve any of the more dangerous stuff. Just for purposes of safety, I'd say it wouldn't be a good idea to do anything where there is a high potential for serious physical harm. Other than that, I see nothing wrong with it, and I think more people are into that than like to admit. Normally, I'm not into it, but there was once when I was extremely high that for some reason I thought it would be really exciting to have a girl burn me with a cigarette. Not that it'd be a good idea obviously, but for some reason I was into it at the time. So, yeah S and M is pretty common even amongst people who aren't really into the whole scene. In fact, I'd say most couples probably dabble in it in one form or another at some point.

I know this may not apply but if you have or can connect with someone you can run interference for each other ... I took this role on before , if I found someone looking uncomfortable I would have them explain out there experience or limits and then I would act like big brother ,... staying out of the way but close enough for eye contact if I though she was in to deep ... never played with any of these but I have been thanked
.. but I have never been around a group that was pushy or intimidating in the least ... be careful ,if it seems too much it probabily is ... nothing wrong with just visiting several times , if there is push back , forget those ...

All good input! Thanks.

I wish I could say that there was some specific concern. When I mentioned not necessarily liking certain kink aspects, it's just that certain things are major turn offs. Nobody expects me to participate in these things, but they are present in other spaces at the same venue. I guess this is all very vague and this is helping me be more specific as I type, but essentially the sado-masochism part is what triggers me.

Sounds like I just need to connect with a smaller more intimate group or partners who are interested in similar things separately from the larger BDSM events. It is all new to me.

As far as munches go, I haven't been to one because everybody seems to be really into these more triggering things for me and I feel like somewhat childish and embarrassed that some of these things are major arousal killers. The few things I've been to have been pretty large adult events.

Thanks for the help.

I get that - sounds pretty normal to me! This is going to be a pretty out there suggestion - but my experience of this was really positive....

Have you considered getting a job in a club that caters to BDSM nights / parties? I accidentally found myself in that position, when the small nightclub I was a bar wench in started hosting private BDSM nights once a month. At first I was pretty shocked at some of the stuff I saw. The clientele were extremely protective over the bar staff (there was only me and the manager). They were grateful to us for hosting, and for being open minded and non judgemental, and there were very strict boundaries as they made the assumption we were also vanilla. We did not request the boundaries - the clientele initiated and implemented them automatically.They were so protective over us!

Being behind the bar offered distance. It was a safe environment. Nothing was expected of me, and if I got turned on it was a bonus, rather than an expectation. The same people came month after month after month. Friendships developed naturally, conversations were had. Within six months I had discovered which people thought like me, which people I had a connection to, and inevitably - which friends I could play with in a more private environment.