Sexual Deprivation

When sex is good, it's no big deal. But when it's bad, it's everything. Sex is the main problem in my marriage and the cause of my depression. It's become a control issue. There's so much to write, I'll have to do it in several posts.

First, it's a Jekyll and Hyde thing with him. Under normal circumstances, when sex is going to be a nice, loving act, he is horrible in bed. Can't kiss, fumbles around, does what I hate. But, for a time we had gotten into this cycle where I became emotionally beaten, then he would magically be seductive and good in bed.

I stopped this cycle by refusing to have sex with him once I am beaten, so no more good in bed guy.

My idea of what I need to feel loved is for him to be seductive at the times I think are appropriate. I have expressed this need over and over for years. He won't do it and acts like he has no clue, gas lighting me. He says, 'but you didn't act interested'. I tell him I don't want to act interested because that means to me you are making me initiate. I want to be the submissive!

So I stopped setting myself up for disappointment because I know he won't do it. New Year's Eve no sex happened. I got into bed at 12:05 wearing a sexy nightgown, hugging myself, feeling lonely and sorry for myself, feeling unloved. He came into the room and asked me if I was already asleep. I said I wasn't. He said there was something on TV he still wanted to watch in the other room. I said 'have fun'.

I was hoping he would make love to me, but he didn't. I told him a million times that's what I want, but he doesn't get it. So, I'm not angry at him anymore because I know he won't make me happy. But I can't live with the pain. I just sit in my room and cry. Now I'm taking an anti inflammatory pill that curbs my anger and knocks me out. I'm taking it around the clock just to deal with my psychological pain. I'll run out in a few days and ask the doctor for more, not telling him that it is over psych, and he'll give it to me.

I paid lawyers twice before to divorce him, and backed down both times. He begs me and pleads how much he loves me and that he'll change, but he won't. For years, the sexual frustration physically hurt and I took care of my own needs when he wasn't around. But that still didn't curb my anger and disappointment from not getting the attention from him. So, it's not just about the physical act, it's about how I feel loved. Plus, he has a very small penis. There I said it! Not that I ever had an O from vaginal intercourse anyway from any other lover. One time I did with another boyfriend. Also, a penis can be too large for me as well and hurt. But, I hardly even feel him in me and we need toys/oral for me to O. Yes, I feel lacking about him physically, but I'd never tell him that.

I was thinking about insulting him about it today to get rid of him for good.
Why would anyone want to stay anyway with someone who sits in a dark room and cries all the time? He causes me to do it and he knows it.
I am so confused if I am abused or if I am the abuser!

Now it's total trauma over sex and I hate sex. I'm trapped in a prison of my own making.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, various forms of impulsivity are associated with borderline personality disorder, including sexual impulsivity. The existing empirical literature indicates that patients with borderline personality disorder appear to differ from patients without this personality disorder in a number of relevant ways. Specifically, those with borderline personality disorder are more likely to
exhibit greater sexual preoccupation, CHECK
have earlier sexual exposure, CHECK
engage in casual sexual relationships, USED TO A BIT
report a greater number of different sexual partners as well as promiscuity, RACKED EM UP DURING MY PROMISCUOUS PHASE AFTER MY DATE RAPE
and engage in homosexual experiences. NOT REALLY, ONCE TRIED
In addition, patients with borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by a greater number of high-risk sexual behaviors; WANT TO
a higher likelihood of having been coerced to have sex, WANT TO
experiencing date rape, CHECK
or being raped by a stranger; NO and the contraction of more sexually transmitted diseases. NO, I'M GERMOPHOBIC

Do you feel nervous around your partner?Y-Y
Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?Y-Y
Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?Y-Y
Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?N-?
Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?N-?
Is your partner always checking up on you or questioning you about what you do without your partner?Y-N
Does your partner control where you go or check the mileage on your car?N-N
Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?N-N
Does your partner tell you that if you changed, he or she wouldn’t treat you like this?Y-Y
Does your partner’s jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?N-N
Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?Y-Y
Has your partner ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?Y-Y
Does your partner throw or break objects to intimidate you?N-Y
Does your partner make you feel scared by driving too fast and refusing to slow down when you ask?Y-N
Does your partner say, “I will kill myself if you break up with me” or “I will hurt/kill you if you break up with me”?N-Y
Does your partner make excuses for the abusive behavior? For example: saying, “It’s because of alcohol or drugs,” or “I can’t control my temper,” or “I was just joking”?Y-Y
Does your partner brag about bullying or harming others or animals?Y-N
Has your partner abused or killed your animals?N-N
Does your partner impose stereotypical gender roles?Y-Y

Answered the Abuse checklist for him and me. It looks like mutual abuse, but not violence over jealousy as typical- it's all over our sexual issue.

I was throwing him out of the house this morning. He didn't go. Just ignored me. I'm a joke.

We just came back from a party where I had a couple shots of whiskey. I'm horny. Not necessarilary for him, but he is the partner I am forced to have sex with or I can be alone. But the kids are in the house and it's probably pretty obvious if the bedroom door locks and I wonder if they can hear buzzing... Lol.

If I ask him into the bedroom and initiate sex with him, I feel like that is so humiliating and I am so angry at him that I really want to physically hurt him. He does not know how to act like I feel a man is supposed to act. He is so submissive! He does not have interest in me. He does not initiate. If I initiate, he will comply, making me feel like he is doing me a favor and that makes me feel humiliated!

So, should I be the dominatrix and smack him around? Should I try to have some fun with that? Is that was he really wants me to do? Should I give him an ***** kicking he won't forget and tell him to next time be the man? Should I start to learn and enjoy being the forced dominatrix?

I hope this doesn't get me kicked off this site, lol.

Gonna get a whip!

No offence, but if my partner tried to throw me out in the morning, the last thing I would want to do is have sex with them in the evening.

Have you asked him what turns him on?

I think he's up for anything as long as I initiate it.

Yes, it sounds crazy, but he wouldn't have refused sex with me. He'd actually be glad that I initiated. But, earlier, when I was thinking about doing that, he was fast asleep! One beer and he passed out on the couch. So nothing happened.

I guess I just have a really passive man. If I can just learn to be the aggressor, we would be ok. Feeling sad and sorry for myself because he won't initiate is not getting me anywhere. This is so difficult!

You think? When was the last time you sat down with your husband and said "what makes you happy? What do you want out of this marriage? What turns you on?"

All you have written about it what you want. What you're not getting. It doesn't seem like your husbands happiness even features on your radar. Maybe he would be more willing to live up to your fantasies, if you would be more willing to listen to, and act on his.

I asked him what turns him on after you suggested it. He mentioned times of day, afternoons, where there are no kids at home. These times happening are rare because he hardly ever gets out of work that early. Also, I know the reason he feels so frisky then is really because he feels like he's getting away with something because he got away from work early. It has nothing to do with me, like I am a naughty treat.

So, interestingly, his turn ons are not at the times I think are my ideals of when to have sex.

Yes, I am not acting concerned about his needs on here. Mostly because I am writing and venting in anger and frustration. Also, this has been an ongoing issue for years and years and I have tried giving him everything I can think of, but he still never gives back to me. He's just not capable of thinking of me and acting on it... Empathy maybe?

Thank you for speaking up for my husband and playing the devil's advocate, looking at both sides of this.

No, I'm not completely self-centered, I'm just so frustrated. I don't know how to create a situation where we are both happy when he won't do his part.

He thinks I have BPD. He knows nearly every holiday and birthday have been ruined by him or my mother. He knows how I feel about that and about the sex problem. I have begged him to just initiate sex with me consistently... Say at least once a week. So what does he do? He doesn't buy any presents for the holidays and says he doesn't want to celebrate on the day of, he plans nothing and let's me wallow in depression on my birthday, and he doesn't initiate sex on New Year's.

I am not an overly demanding person. I ask very little. I am very thrifty and do so much for him. I feel like I am going crazy trying to analyze if I am mentally ill or if I am just having very difficult relationships with people who are very difficult!

Sounds like he doesn't put in as much effort into the relationship as you do.

What do you mean by emotionally beaten?

Crying and angry for days until I am just spent, exhausted. Then he becomes sensual.

I am being gaslighted. He insists he doesn't do it on purpose. He says he's just that scatterbrained and loves me, is turned on by me, wants to act on his feelings, but just doesn't.

This has driven me insane.

We had sex yesterday, he initiated, finally acted sensual after me being hysterical over his neglect for weeks. Then I feel like I love him and act content. Suddenly, my depression lifts, I can function, I feel good. I enjoy that good feeling for as long as it lasts, knowing it will only last a week until he neglects me and starts this cycle again!

If you keep asking him over and over again and he doesn't do it until you're at the end of your rope, then it sounds rather abusive. Unless you don't express yourself enough to him until you just can't hide your anger and sadness anymore. Direct, honest communication is key. Ask him why he doesn't want to have sex with you until you're at the end of your rope. Try to develop an open-ended honest discussion, not just accusations. Tell him how YOU honestly feel, using "I" in your sentences.

How is he in the other aspects of your marriage? It sounds like he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

I agree with BlueCrustacean, you have to have a very straightforward conversation. I have much less experience than you, but one thing I know for sure is that a lot, if not the most, of men are pretty bad with dealing with emotional women. We struggle with some things and they just don't get it. My husband is very smart and I love him very much, but he is absolutely no help when I ask for advice about dealing with my work or mother problems. I mean he does try to help, it's just not helping me.

Talk to him, find out what his deal is. Tell him what you want and ask him what do you need to do for it to happen. Tell him what upsets you.

Maybe he likes it when you initiate. Maybe there could be an arrangement where sometimes he initiates and sometimes you do.