I really dislike my sexuality...

I feel awful about my sexuality. And not necessarily because I'm bisexual or because I seem to have a pretty high sex drive.

It's more that I...

1. Thought sex was supposed to different and am somewhat disappointed. I didn't do anything sexual until I was 25, but I started masturbation at age 4 and started watching porn probably in my teenage years at some point. I didn't have much sex education, so I thought that was how it was supposed to be and so now I'm just disappointed, even though now of course I realize I was mislead.

2. I rarely relax enough to really enjoy sex. I usually prefer masturbation because then I don't have to explain how to touch me. It's just easier to get off.

3. I have difficulty enjoying it just because of emotions or feelings. It's about getting off. Period. And since I can't relax enough or explain to my partner how to touch me well enough, I don't get off without masturbation.

4. I hate that I have to give up masturbation in order to enjoy sex. If I'm meeting my own needs, there really isn't a point.

5. I was never particularly comfortable exploring anything sexual with other people unless I was in a relationship and I've missed out on so many experiences. I suppose no one on here would consider me bisexual since I've never done anything with the same sex. Not even a kiss.

6. I hate that I'm attracted to other people in addition to my partner. He knows about it, but it doesn't really bother him that much. He teases me about it sometimes.

7. I'm very sensitive to touch. And not in a good way.

I don't know. I just really dislike my sexuality as a whole. I feel so much shame that it consumes my thoughts most of the time and that I have to masturbate in order to get off. I simply cannot get off normally. Even if I get close, I hit a wall at some point and it either starts to hurt or I freak out (panic attack?) or get really uncomfortable/upset.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have sex with other people but I'm pretty sure it would be much worse in regards to shame, feeling unsafe, etc.