Ashamed.Badly. =(.

PC this post is quite difficult for me to post, its also not totally sexual infact depression has made the impact. I pray no one will shy away from me, or thnk different of me after readin this, PC is a great place so I don't thin judging will be a problem.

I'm 17 and a male, my depression got out of hand , espcially as of late, I was never ever a cutter, or an abuser to anyone, or myself really, nor did I have any means of "escape". Drugs weren't an option, nor was smoking,drinking, or any tobacco product. I've always been too "far headed" to do those things.

I discovered masturbation as all people do around 13-14, I was always ashamed of it. My highschool freshmen year was wierd beacuse all the kids where so perverted, so curious and always talked about masturbation,sex, even porn and all the above lol. I've never been a guy to want a women for sex, im 17 and have only had 3 dates not even able to consider them girlfriends. All in which weren't lustful rather just friendly and in hopes of love.

Since about 14 I've been looking for "Mrs Right" its blantly stupid of me beacuse I'm young (now 17) and wanting a serious relation. But I sought it as a scape goat, and my anti-drug. Then one day I struck my own moral sin "pornography". We all have different fews on it, I even read many of your fews in the topic here, but mine was clear, I felt women espcially should be given no such crude and vulgar represenatation. Yet..I liked it..

I don't believe I liked "it" exactly because of the sexual lust, but rather what I got out of it, all men and women masturbate "differently" so they say, with that said I found the "best" pleasure from visual nudity, aka porn, whicch since that day has addicted me, and huanted me. I've considered suicide over it, look I know thats dumb but this isn't me, Its been 3 years and daily I crave it, its my drug....a drug that makes me so sinful, so sad....I never wanted to be so junky....

My stress is at an all tim*e high my mucles ache, my heart rippdly speeds up, then I masturbate...then watch the "sin" and my stress is gone....just like a alcoholic drinks becomes drunk and feels "good" for those few seconds then awakes wishing he/she weren't on a hangover and wish they hadnt' killed that young child while driving. While I'm not killing anyone, or making my self sick, I am killing my self respect, confidents, and most of all my respect for humanity, women , and the world.

I beg any women who reads this to know, I respect you....I just don't know what to do.....I hope I'm not destinied to hell........................

Hi Moonkin,

You are not destined to hell! I'm a woman and there is no judgement here, I'm just sorry you are in turmoil. You have discovered a pattern that you are not comfortable with and maybe there are a lot of reasons for that. This is something that you should share and discuss with a therapist so that you can make the change that you want to.

Feeling shame only makes us worse, so try not to feel shameful, just discuss the issue and try to resolve.

(((Moonkin)))

Tranquility

Hi Moonkin. Like I said in the other pornography post, I don't believe people who do watch it are evil because of it. I don't think you are evil.

That said, pornography is just an easy way to aid masturbation. It's when it gets out of control, like I guess it is for you, that it seems like it's becoming a problem. I agree that you should also talk to a therapist. I don't really know how to deal with addictions, so a professional that deals with that would be helpful.

I hope you can stop feeling shame for yourself, too. No reasons for being suicidal are dumb, and it's sad that this has gone so far in your life. Please talk to someone about it who can help you properly.

alot of people masturbate on a daily basis. nothing wrong with that. alot of people use porn or other aids for it also. don't be ashamed. it is normal.

Moonkin, I think just realizing what you are doing, and your feelings surrounding it, is a good thing. You are young, yes. Your hormones are raging! It happens (happened) to all of us this hormone thing - ALL of us. Do your best to keep yourself in check. Reevaluate those things that you think might not be controllable in the future (if you can) and work to being yourself. Allow yourself the physical changes that are happening, but work to keep good thoughts. Remember though, just by viewing the porn, you are supporting the business, and that does harm women in the long run. Do your best.

(((hugs)))

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Mookin...you are not going to hell for this.... you are young... hormones are raging.... and there is no shame here or there.... life is not figured out overnight... not by any of us...
like most of us, you have just realized that this is a problem for you... so now you can work on it... and change takes a long time... try to be patient with yourself...
love and accept who you are and work on the behaviors that you want to change....
and no this not change my support for you..