Gay Stereotypes...

Why is it so difficult for people to believe that a gay person can actually identify as gay yet at the same time have a healthy/happy relationship with a heterosexual partner?

I've been through a lot recently and I've dealing with serious anxiety issues, mainly focused on my sexuality. You see, I've known I'm gay since I was a teen and just about all of my sexual experiences and desires have been homosexual...well right up to a major disappointment and then I let myself live outside of the typical gay life. That was when I met my current wife of almost two decades...I fell in love with her, her gender was irrelevant.

Although she's known from the beginning of my past and my sexual preferences, I don't think she has truly accepted my sexuality and I've never truly stated outright that "I'm gay". My anxiety has caused memory issues and I feel that if I don't address the causes of the anxiety...well, I'm going to lose myself. So after all these years I've decided to "officially come out" and live more authentically. I don't mean changing how I live, I don't want my relationship to change...but hiding my sexuality, well I've done that for 30 years and enough is enough. And please believe me, I'm under no illusions that my life might/will change by coming out.

The thing that bothers me the most though, is that no matter who've I've talked to...gay/str8, married/single....they all seem to feel that I can't be gay and be in a relationship with a woman. It's like a the binary world of gay and straight, but if you aren't 100% homosexual or 100% heterosexual...you're bisexual. I know I hate labels, but identifying as bisexual doesn't describe me. I just say that I'm gay with a small slice of hetero, that slice being my wife.

I mean, seriously, how do I address my anxiety over being gay? Why can't I try and maintain my relationship as it is? I'm just as gay now as I was two decades ago when I met my wife. I married her as a gay man, I had kids as a gay man. Sure I wasn't publicly identifying as gay...but we both knew that part of me existed. Now I just need to remove that anxiety, and coming out is the only way I can see. Even if I use all my energy to hide it away, it'll always be there causing a pressure I can't take any more. I have to release it, before it takes too great a toll on me.

P.S. Yes I am seeing a therapist for the anxiety.

Tough, complex situation. Only you know what you feel and what you need. Who am I to question who you say you are but since you ask, I'll play devil's advocate. It is hard to understand logically. So, sorry but here goes...

In the end, it's really only you and your immediate family who matter. So, if you are not going to change your status with your wife and family, it seems like it would be easier for you, her and your children if you did not "officially come out". Unfortunately, doing that will give you the public label you loath, whether you like it or not. Do you want to maintain your marriage just because you don't want the pain and inconvenience of divorce? The pain of losing the woman who might be your best friend? Angering and confusing your children? The anxiety you lose by coming out will be replaced with anxiety of being a labelled gay father in a heterosexual marriage. I can see pressure from both gay and straight sides. And again, all that anxiety just to assign yourself a label (and you don't like labels).

So, I guess all of those logical things seem to contradict what you're saying and that's what makes it hard to understand. But, there are precedents all over the world where the heart contradicts the brain and it all works out.

Good luck buddy. I hope you find peace.

Bighands,
Thanks for your response. Believe me, I asked my therapist at the last session if coming out will be the solution to my anxiety problems...and I even asked whether this one issue might go away but to be replaced with another. It is scary....kind of the reason I've kept it hidden for 30 years and 20 of marriage. I am definitely afraid of all those things you mentionned, losing a lot to gain an unknown.

You see...if I don't do anything the anxiety will remain and will tear me apart. However if I do, one anxiety will be gone and then I deal with the next...if it exists. The status quo is not healthy.

And I recognize I don't have all the answers. Many supportive friends have asked me what I want...all I can say is health and happiness. What form that takes...I don't know...but I have to start somewhere. My coming does not mean I want to live a "gay life", but I want to live "my life as gay". You see, there is nothing wrong with acting gay, talking gay, looking gay, being gay....yet still being committed to a heterosexual spouse. At least in my world, one does not exclude the other. And limiting my outing to just close family...well it just means I'm hiding to 5-10 less people...there's still 7 billion others out there I'm hiding from/lieing to.

I also have an unpopular opinion. I think if you come out while you're still married, it's going to cause your wife, even if she doesn't think so now, a lot of embarrassment and pain. People who don't know the two of you well will gossip, and they'll find a million ways to imply, amongst each other and behind your backs (even openly to your wife) how this must be her fault for failing to satisfy you.

Has your wife known completely that you are 99% gay? If she had known you were 100% gay, would she have married you?

I just don't see how coming out will be good for her in the parts of her life that she has to deal with alone.

If you divorce and then come out, at least this allows her to save face as a woman with good self esteem.

I would divorce her and move to another city. Then come out. I am not going to say your whole married life was a lie, but it certainly wasn't the truth.

Hi Bixkf

As a non-heterosexual myself I can empathise with the disliking of labels. I prefer to look at sexuality as a spectrum with heterosexuality on one end and homosexuality on the other. We are all unique and labels just don't work.

If it's a title for your sexual preference you are looking for, it may be helpful to research the definitions of LGBTIQ. I also should add pansexuality, which I think might interest you. Pansexuals identify as being attracted to anyone of any sexuality and gender identity. Much broader as bisexual it encompasses differing gender identities as well.

At the end of the day remember it's your sexuality and it's you who ultimately needs to be comfortable with it. Announcing to the world that you are gay and previously had an active homosexual lifestyle, but you love your wife, isn't going to magically change anything.

Sounds like you need to work on your own comprehension and comfort level of your sexuality. If you and your wife are comfortable and happy with it, then who cares what everyone else knows/thinks!

Good luck!

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Besides that, we can't help who we fall in love with!

It just is what it is!

As far as your anxiety over who and what you are goes, I haven't quite got
that one all figured out myself, but I do my best everyday to simply accept
myself for who I am as a whole - including aspects of myself that I don't see
as favorable as others.

All of it makes me a complete package, and I'm too special to get crammed into
some narrowly defined stereotype that society tries to tell me is or isn't acceptable!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

Angelique,

Thank you for the input. I understand your position, it seems to be a very common one, mainly based on an assumption that a couple can't be happy in a non-standard mix-orientation marriage. If it's easier to understand, I'm gay except for her...we married not because I'm X% straight, but because we both loved each other and saw a future. Even if I didn't married her with a tattoo on my behind saying "this guy is gay", she openly and willingly married me knowing my past and my preferences.

The fact that at this point in my life, for health reasons more than anything else, I have to remove the pressure causing the anxiety...and if that means coming out...well then that is what it means. You see even as man, I had to accept that as woman there will be a point in her life that biologically she won't/can't be interested in sex or intimacy...for most women it is a biological certainty. That didn't stop me from marrying her, and it doesn't stop either one of us from loving each other. Why should accepting my sexuality openly mean every other aspect of our lives has to change?

And lastly, I've been hiding part of who I am for 30 years, and 20 of those while married...in most part to protect my wife and family. I've given so much and at least from my perspective...right now I'm not asking much back...I'm looking for love and support to a person who in just about every way is the same person that married my wife and fathered by children years ago.

Valentina,

I have to say that I respectfully disagree. How is my married life a lie? You see, I didn't choose to be gay, I didn't choose to fall in love with her...but knowing I'm gay, I chose to marry her and I chose to have a family with her. And whether she chose to accept my sexuality or not all of these years...she chose to marry a gay man and she chose to have a family with a gay man.

I have been very open about my sexuality all of the time we have been together, and perhaps I avoided labelling myself as a way to protect her and my family. But now is a point where if I don't do something related to my anxiety...I will lose myself and my family with lose me too.

So there is no lie, and the truth was always there...just no one wanted to look it straight in the eyes. No...divorce is not answer...moving away is not answer...that is only avoidance of the anxiety. I have not stopped loving her and asserting that I am gay will not change my feelings and attractions to her. I think too many people believe that if you aren't satisfied in your pants, you can be satisfied in your life...and that's the real lie people are telling themselves.

Loco4,

Thank you so much for your response. I recognize that coming out might not have any major impact on my life or might not change anything...but as many gay people have stated that once you're out, there's no going back in the closet. I've had anxiety for 30+ years over my sexuality...and it has to stop. My mind is letting me know that a toll have been taken inside my head, and that it can't keep going as before. Sure I could keep taking the medication I've been prescribed, but there are significant side effects and then I'd be living an unnatural lie.

I also wanted to say that I am very secure in my sexuality...I know I'm gay, I was before I met my wife, I have been while we've been together and I will be until I die. BUT, even being gay...I am attracted to this ONE woman...I do love her. Perhaps I grew to love HER...perhaps I grew to or learned to be physically aroused by HER. Those feelings are real...they exist and are demonstrated all the time. Does it matter that if it weren't for this ONE "HER", that it would be just "HIM" in my life....no it doesn't matter. I chose to be with her and I am committed to her...even if the whole time I am gay.

When you envision what your life would be like as gay, how does it differ from how it is now?

Notz,

My hopes are that nothing really would change other than a more deeper acceptance of my sexuality and a personal willingness to express my identity. I can't tell you exactly what that means, but I no longer want to live a life where I have to make a decision as to whether I disclose to someone I'm gay. Many times I listen to co-workers or friends make derogatory comments against gay people. I do mention sometimes that people can be offended but that never stops the comments. I would like to be comfortable to say that I am offended because I'm gay...and that it hurts.

Perhaps its as simple as a bumper sticker, or a rainbow flag, or walking in the pride parade. You see, none of these acts or assertions directly affect my love and attraction to my wife and my family. Sure other people will talk or question...they will talk out of confusion, ignorance or hate. I've been facing that for 30+ years, at this point in my life I need to be able to face it honestly and truthfully, and hopefully with the love and support of my wife and family. I have been loving and supporting my family for two decades...selflessly, without question. Now it's time for them to love and support me....without question. I don't think that it too much to ask.

I am straight but I am married to a lesbian. But I am 99% attracted to men. I am tired of pretending.

Does that sound odd?

Valentina,

I do respect your right to your opinion, but you are reinforcing my point that too many people are focussed on stereotypes. The majority of those seem to be gay/lesbian people who almost seem to be "protecting" the label of gay. How many times have I heard "you can't be gay if you have any attraction to your wife"? Too many!

It's funny because my therapist just so happens to be gay as well. She and I were talking about my anxiety and my intent to come out to my wife. She referred to her own coming out as "a more traditional" process. We've gone from gay people hiding their sexuality completely to now having gay marriage legal in many places in the world, and a gay person referring to their coming out as "traditional".

Yet here you are essentially telling me that I a living a lie, pretending to be something I'm not. Sure from your perspective it seems odd to be a gay man married to a heterosexual woman. Even I know that it is "non-traditional" or not stereotypical. Please understand that I know I am gay...I was gay long before I met my wife. I know I fell in love with my wife...that is a fact and yes I do partake in heterosexual intimacy. You know what...I don't care about labels for this exact reason, because other people want to put one on me, or tell me I can use another label. So labels aside, please do not tell me that I'm living a lie or pretending...you are not me....I know my feelings and I've spent years ensuring that I am not fooling myself.

So please, unless you have something constructive or positive to contribute, I would kindly request that you refrain from making statements that call into question the validity of my statements. Your opinion has been noted. Thank you.

For someone who doesn't want to be "labeled" or "stereotyped" you really, really want to be known as "gay". Isn't that a label? I know you're going to say it's who you really are, tired of hiding, etc, but why is it important to you for others to know you identify as gay? Do you have to have identification proving you are gay to participate in gay events? IMO no announcement is necessary. Just go participate! Celebrate! You don't have to tell anyone anything.

My main concern would be your kids. IMO even tho they probably don't understand sexuality yet, surely they have opinions, either good or bad about homosexuality. It would be a subtle change in their world and probably disturbing to them, even though you are the same person. I wouldn't discuss it with the kids. Under normal circumstances parents don't discuss their sex life with their kids either.

You do have a right to be happy in your own skin, but please consider your kids happiness and security first.

Unfortunately you're going to be met with people who stereotype "gay" and people will pass judgement on the relationship. Can you deal with that? Could your wife?

Did you ever tell her that you were identifying bisexual or does she know you have attractions to guys? (I remember reading posts where you'd said you were bisexual)

I think you need to talk to your therapist about the outcomes of coming out and have realistic expectations of it as they won't all be positive. It might even help to come out and then see if your wife would be willing to have a couple therapy session.

Also what does living more authentically look like? Is it just claiming the identity in social settings or is there more that you're seeking?

I appreciate your comments. My kids are almost 17 and 23, and my youngest identifies as bisexual. The reality is I'm sure that they will be more accepting and understanding than you think. I don't need to protect them at their ages. Also being gay is not all about sex....I don't talk about my current sex life and it won't change after I come out.

I agree with the label stuff....it's not easy and it's complicated. At my age and situation I need to remove the anxiety related to my sexuality. Hiding it more will either mean reliance on medication or I will suffer mentally and emotionally. But somehow I must release the trigger....I have to find acceptance of,my sexuality and that is not just internal, or with my immediate family. That will not be enough. I need the freedom to be able to identify as gay when needed....and for that I have to be out to the people who would be impacted.

Does that help?

1. I have spent significant time reconciling what could be said and the judgements. Yes, I am going to,deal,with that. My wife...well if she cannot, she will be able to decide to leave.

2. Being bisexual...yes I have told her those words and inside....I feel that was me pretending. Calling myself bisexual was the easy way to be attracted to men yet have my marriage. If people want to label me bisexual...fine....they are all just words.

3. I have had those exact sessions with the therapist. We have discussed the potential outcomes and although I am not happy with them all...I understand they could happen and I will have to deal with them.

4. Yes, this is about identity....not some other motive. I am not seeking gay sex or relations on the side.

So, your wife, whom you love so dearly in the OP, is now going to be free to leave if she can't deal with you coming out?

None of this makes good sense. If you want to start dating men, and that's more important than your marriage, your entire op is a lie.

No! I don't want to start dating men! I'm saying that if my wife can't deal with me coming out....I'm not going to force her to,accept it. But I cannot maintain my status quo. If that means she leaves...I have to accept that is possible.