Bizarre sexual fantasy, driving me insane

I'm not entirely comfortable talking about this in detail so I don't feel I can go into too much detail here, but I have a really bizarre sexual fantasy that I've had ever since I was a child and it's annoying me and stirring up so much anxiety in me that I need to get it off my chest, ideally talk to a professional experienced in this area so I can work out just what is going on here.

(Before I go further, I'm an OCD and Asperger's sufferer. I've never heard of anyone else with similar fantasies to this but from what I've read, I have in the past displayed a lot of traits typical of the sexual development of people with Asperger's or other forms of Autism.)

The fantasy is about a disturbing and surreal scene I saw on TV when I was a kid, about 4. To this date I'm unsure exactly what this thing was- possibly an advert or safety announcement, I'm not sure. It wasn't violent or gory or anything, just very surreal and disturbing in its own way- whether or not it was meant to be I don't know, it was possible it might have been meant to be funny even. I was freaked out by it as a child and began to replay it over and over again in my head, and it started to sexually stimulate me and I began to masturbate over it before I was old enough to understand these sorts of feelings. And the particularly strange bit was that I began to picture various adult women I knew as a child, mostly teachers from the schools I went to, in the role of the woman in the clip. Not women I would normally have any kind of erotic attraction to, just teachers who I had no regular sexual desires for even after hitting puberty.

I always hated having the fantasy and used to feel uncomfortable after masturbating over it, as if it wasn't entirely natural. When I was older I developed regular sexual fantasies about girls I was erotically attracted to, but this other fantasy persisted as a completely separate thing. I would never picture girls I actually fancied in the scene, just teachers.

Well I always hoped I would grow out of it eventually, but nevertheless the fantasy has persisted into adulthood, and I'm still masturbating over the thought of teachers from my school days who I haven't seen in years playing this role. I would do anything to get rid of it and I often wonder if it's my confusion over just what the heck this scene was and what it was really about that keeps it going, like maybe if I were to see the scene again and finally understand it it would stop the fantasies.

It's driving me insane keeping this to myself and not understanding it so I need to get it off my chest somehow, ideally talk to a professional and put myself forth as a case study to find out just what are the reasons for it. My OCD constantly torments me with obsessive thoughts about it, i.e. does it make me a bad person for having the fantasy.

I guess I'm just feeling the need to tell others about it (hopefully without freaking anyone out too much) and ask has anyone else experienced or heard of anything similar to this? I've read about a few things very loosely similar, and from what I've read it seems that early childhood masturbation and unusual fantasies are not uncommon in Autistic people, but I haven't found any case studies that exactly match this and I just want to make sense of it and stop being tormented by it. I'm seeking out therapy sessions at the moment and it would be very useful to find a therapist with some professional knowledge of this sort of thing. I'd love to get rid of it and stop being aroused by it, but if this isn't possible then I want to at least get to the stage where I don't hate myself for having it and can stop feeling I'm abnormal.

No matter what the fantasy is, you're probably not alone. People can get turned on by anything.

I have strange fantasies, too. I am bothered by them because I feel like I can't get turned on from normal love making. I need to have these fantasies and I don't know why.

But, I am fine with having these thoughts. I don't actually act it out. I have told my husband I have them and he doesn't care. So, who is it hurting?

Hello Byzantine: Over the periods of time I've spent here on PC, I've read quite a few posts similar to yours in one way or another. (Perhaps this is because I have had my own struggles in this area... so I typically read & reply to posts of this sort.) Anyway, from my perspective, what you have going on is not all that unusual, if that's any consolation.

I do understand what keeping a secret such as this can do to a person. I kept many secrets literally for decades until they drove me to try to kill myself. And, in fact, I still have many of them. I celebrate the fact that you are seeking professional assistance in order to come to terms with your fantasy. Good luck with your efforts!

Thanks so much both of you- you've no idea how much it means to me to finally have this off my chest to an extent and to have had understanding responses. It would be a relief just to know I may not be completely in the minority with this kind of fantasy and that there may be a natural psychological cause behind it. It's been the whole business of keeping it to myself that's caused so much anguish, so finally letting that out is weakening the anxiety somewhat and I am seeking out a therapist, ideally someone with experience of both OCD and Autism sufferers, who will help me understand this thing. Thanks so much for your support, I'm amazed at the friendly atmosphere on these forums.