More confused than ever

I haven't posted in a while because some things were handled better in person. But now I have a new problem. So here's the story.

About a year ago my dad's and step moms marriage began to fall apart. They weren't communicating like they did in the past. It was becoming strained.

My dad was going through issues at work and he would get emotional about them when he returned home. People he'd worked with for at least a decade were being fired and the new management was shaking things up. He became unhappy and relapsed into his drinking.

They sought marriage counseling but it didn't help, he eventually sought his own and he vented on how he was becoming her second priority over her love of birds, giving them more attention than she gave him.

So eventually my dad sort of ran away, he was staying at a hotel in the same city for about a week. He took his unused leave time and needed a break. While that was going on my step mom was losing it because most of their cards were maxed out or approaching it.

He eventually sought AA help and she let him move back in. But she said later on that it was a mistake and the fighting got worse to the point where police would show up a few times.

****Now, I am no longer living in the house. I've moved out about 5 years ago because I work for the Army. So I've been hearing about this from family that live near them and from each of them themselves****

And one day my stepmom called and informed me that she filed divorce paperwork, and this is where my problem starts.

I went to visit them in December 2015 because I was on leave. It wasn't a good Xmas. It was me and my dad on Xmas as well as the birds and dog. Toward the end of my leave they got into another big fight over what's for dinner. they were both pretty much yelling into the phone. So my stepmom began to pack an away bag and was gonna go stay with my stepsister.

And I was hanging out in the bedroom with her, talking to her and trying to calm things down. I was conflicted. I was both mad and happy with my dad. Mad that their marriage was falling apart but happy that it was. Because I had a secret. I was hiding my love for my stepmom.
And in that time, I decided to do something.....I confessed my love for her.

I told her that I wanted to take dads place and be her husband. I had been in love with her for a while, but couldn't do anything about it out of fear of being murdered by him.

She took it softly, and said we'd talk about it. But at the same time she argued that I was her mother (she had helped raise me since I was 6) while I was adamant about her being my mother legally, not by blood.

****important note I am 23 and she is in her late 40s.****

She ended up telling my dad who was furious, which was expected but I had hoped she would keep it between us. And he hated me for it.

Fast forward til now. Things got better with my dad. He doesn't want me to **** up the division of stuff by falling in love with her. So I've kept it to myself, but it hasn't gone away. If anything it has gotten worse.

I can't stop thinking about her and what I want. I've always been told that if you want something, go after it. And I'm impatiently waiting for the divorce to be over so that I can go after what I want.

But she doesn't want to talk about it. She finds the idea of me being in love with her to be disturbing.

It's hard to let it go when I think about living with her, hugging her and kissing her. I don't know what to do.

I'm so confused.

Hello ArmyTrainer: Well... it seems to the Skeezyks that the significant thing here is your stepmom does not seem to share your perspective... at least not from what you wrote. You wrote that you cannot wait for the divorce to be final so you can go after what you want. Well... you can try. But if your stepmom is not interested, then there is nothing for you to go after. (Consider that it is possible she told your father about your feelings as a way of hurting him. And if that is the case, then I would conclude this says something about your stepmom's feelings for you.)

Divorce creates all sorts of emotions... anger, embarrassment, fear, & probably several others I'm not thinking of at the moment. This is likely a very vulnerable time in your stepmom's life, especially considering that she is in her late 40's. People tend to become less resilient as they age. So, with all of that said, my personal perspective is, if you do really care for your stepmom, you will give her the space she is going to need in order to heal from this traumatic experience.

And, during that period of time, it might be wise for you to seek some therapy to help you sort through your own feelings. Far be it from me to suggest there is anything inherently wrong with a 23 year old being in love with someone who is in her late 40's. But, speaking as an even older person, I will tell you there is a world of difference between those two ages. Even if in the end the two of you would end up together, you will both face some unique challenges over the ensuing years. I wish you well...

Yes. I agree with Skeeyks. To pursue someone who doesn't share your feelings is only a path to causing yourself pain and loss of self esteem. What I read from your post (AND THIS IS JUST MY POV) is that.. A. You have some deeps seated issues with your dad. B. That you maybe confusing sexual feelings towards your step mom with your desire to protect her from the abuse you witnessed her go thru growing up. C. Idk, if or what your relationship w/ your bio mom is but.. IMO..blood is not always thicker than water and if she raised you from 6 then she is just as much your mom as if she gave birth to you herself...she has expressed as much to you. So you got yourself stuck in a bit of an Oedipus Complex here. I think it is natural to want to be her hero and keep her safe now that you are old enough to not be physically frightened of your father....but I think that a lot of us who experience abuse growing up..tend to as adults get love and sexuality a bit confused. If you are not already in some kind of therapy or counseling, I suggest you find a professional to talk to who can help you understand and cope with the traumatic nature of growing up in an abusive household... and hopefully help you learn to have a great healthy relationship (non sexual) w/ ur step mum. Indiviually, in counseling and on your own you can explore your maternal sexual desires. (By on your own I mean there are various healthier ways to play out your sexual feelings for a maternal like figure without putting your platonic relationship with your actual step mum in jeopardy) Please be kind to yourself and be safe.

I think the key factor is that she doesn't share the feelings. Is there anything that makes you think she isn't being honest about this?

I don't know. She says she still loves my dad but that the possibility of a good outcome from the divorce is not possible. She still cares about him, that much I do know. What she and my dad don't know is that since I moved out 5 years ago, the only women I've been attracted to, are women of her age and older.

Update to this old tale, I am out of the army, been out for about a year and half and believe it or not, living with my dad. He’s got a lot of health issues now and the divorce is said and done.

I haven’t spoken a word to that woman since roughly a month or so after this posting. And she has been content with not saying anything either.

The feelings I wrote about are long gone, especially since I heard about all of the details from my dads side. She not only committed adultery, but essentially robbed my dad of his life. I’ve have only seen her once since I got out, and it was by sheer coincidence that it happened. But unfortunately I didn’t have the chance to tell her off.

But apparently now, my dad has been in contact with her, and they talk like friends. And one day, when my dad went into the hospital for his 2nd medical detox in just as many months, he left me his phone and told me how to access it. And I saw the texts between them. The ***** has my number, she’s not blocked, but no, would rather ask my dad about me despite him telling me, that should I find her on social media, not to make it known that I both live with him and where we are. Because she apparently full well knows where we are, and I found her on Instagram, because of contact information. Every time I see her pop up in suggested friends, part of me wants to follow her, just so I can go full on rant on her.