Am I demisexual or do I have a sexual disfunction?

So I’ve been thinking about this recently, because at this age it’s expected that I’ve already been in a relationship. But other than the reasons that my social anxiety and depression prevented me from having meaningful relationships and my family was overly protective, most of my teenage years I was confused about my sexuality. So I’ll just write down all the arguments for each label, and I hope I clear it up.

The reasons why I think I might be demisexual are : When I learned about sex when I was 12 I felt very odd that one day I would have to do that. In my first years of high school I was really sexually averse. Though that my peers were crazy for choosing to have sex that early. It was really gross to me and I just view it as something that was necessary for procreation. This was the time that I slowly started to question my sexual orientation. Since all around me people were getting in relationships, I began to question if I like boys. I had crushes on boys (sort of), but I’ve never fantasized about having sex with any of them. I just thought about kissing, cuddling, hugging etc. So when I was about 16, I went through a identity crisis. I thought that maybe I’m a lesbian. Also because I didn’t have other means to explore my sexuality, I started to watch porn. I watched both straight and lesbian porn, but it was gross to me or at best boring. It was a very confusing period until I turned 18. At 17 a guy befriended me, eventually I developed a crush on him. Then because I used to talk to him almost every day I fell in love and started to have sexual fantasies about him. Nothing happened between us, because he friendzoned me. We stopped talking. But anyways he was the only person I was sexually attracted to, and that was 3 years ago. Now I can have sexually fantasies but only about other people and I’m not involved.

The reasons why I think I might have a sexual disfunction are: I have anxiety and depression and one of the symptoms (especially for depression) is low libido. While I was never sexually abused or raped I was sexually harassed. When I was bullied during high school, some of the bullies also sexually harassed me. One of them showed me porn on his mobile phone even though I didn’t want to watch it. Another time he read me some sexual confession from some forum and made fun of me that I’ve done those things. One of them masturbated while I was in front of him. Another time he tried to grope my breasts. And the final reason I was raised in a very conservative family, so it’s always been expected of me to wait for sex until I’m married. I should probably add that: I don’t masturbate. I’ve tried it just doesn’t feel alright. I don’t take any antidepressants or any meds that could cause this kind of side effects.

So what do you guys think? What could be the reason for my low interest in sex? Which label fits me better? Any insight is welcome.

Hello shygirl2101: The Skeezyks doesn't really know anything about this, honestly. But I saw that no one had replied to your post, so I thought I would. There are certainly people who simply don't have any interest in sex. They're asexual. There are lots of videos on YouTube on this topic. Perhaps you're simply one of them. There's no obligation to be sexual if you're just not. Of course this does potentially have some impact on your future relationship prospects. So the question really is... is this something that is of concern to you? If so, then perhaps the best course of action would be to talk this through at some length with a therapist. Good luck!

If you want to use the term Demisexual, if having a word for how you feel helps, then so be it. You seem to fit the bill. In my opinion, you just have a conservative view of sex. No more no less. I think people analyze things way too much.
It is unfortunate you had those experiences in high school. Thankfully, adulthood should bring better interactions for you.
Are you a member of a church? I would think that would be a great place to meet someone like minded. Otherwise, it is enough to simply say to people that you have to take it very very slow and establish an emotional connection before a physical one.
Good Luck.

I agree with April. One add on.. sexual harrassment is a form of sexual abuse. If stuff from then is still rolling around in your head and distressing you, maybe you should consider talking with a therapist who is knowledgable in trauma processing. Be Well.

Hi Skeezyks. Thank you for your reply. I’ve done my research on human sexuality. Asexuality is a spectrum and it covers a lot of labels. One of which is demisexuality.
Here’s a few links that I’ve stumbled upon for more information :

https://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual

http://demisexuality.org/articles/what-is-demisexuality/

http://demisexuality.org/articles/could-i-be-demisexual/

And to answer your question: Yes, it would be a concern. I want to get married and have kids. But also I’m aware that sex is a pretty important for a lot of people, even though I don’t see it as such. In my opinion a good foundation for a relationship is how well you get along with that person and can openly communicate.
Hi April72. Thanks for the reply. I do have the tendency to over-think about stuff. But finding out about demisexuality made me feel more at ease, because it means it’s not an issue I have to solve. Also I realized that I don’t have to pressure myself to fit social expectations.
So I think it’s a positive label. I wouldn’t used it with other people, it’s only for me.
Church isn’t really a place I can meet people. For two reasons : 1. Orthodox Christianity isn’t as strict as Catholic Christianity and 2. Many young people these days become atheist.
I’ll try your advice. But sometimes I wish I was born 20-30 years ago, at least then I would fit in with my mindset. Dating would’ve been less complicated.
Hi, Lost in the woods. Thanks for your reply.
I didn’t know that sexual harassment is a form of sexual abuse. It certainly didn’t occurred to me back in high school. I wouldn’t really say that it’s stuff that rolls around my mind every day. But it did have an effect on me. Until that time I always assumed that women were being raped because they were dressed provocatively. And after those experiences I realized it wasn’t so black and white. I started to be more careful around boys after that. But still I feel lucky that the experiences didn’t turn into something traumatic.

Hello shygirl,

wanted to add something positiv; My bf and I have a child and maybe all 4 month sex. And he's okay with this. No pushing, no complains. He things that it's part of beeing a decent human, though I know it's not that simple. (He has an average high sexdrive)

Guess what I wanted to say: It is possible to have a relationship, and a child, without a rich sex live.

I hope you find somebody that respects your needs and have a great relationship with them.

(The Internet is a great place for finding other a/grey/demisexual people. Maybe talking with them would help you?)

reread ur OP shygirl and ur responses to replys. Heres my thoughts... Scientifically speaking, all humans are born as sexual beings. This is fact. Ultrasound technology has shown clear proof of this. We also from birth have certain inane personality traits unique to everyone. We are all born with different kinds and levels of sensitivity to different stimuli. And also different comfort levels regarding our bodies. Ex. I have a friend who has twins. By the time they could manipulate and or rely even by crying their preferences for clothing were much different, one was always fusding over being dressed and as soon as able was ripping of clothes and diaper and running around nude and exploring their body, the other always fussed when swaddling came loose and even in the hottest of summer days was very uncomfortable in no pants or shirt. Also didnt like to be hugged or held by anyone but mum. So sense comfort levels regarding body sensations is in someways something we are born with as well. So it is possible you were born with some aversion to touch. From there we start picking up on familial and societal cues. You said you grew up in a family who had conservative views about sexuality. So that could also be a factor. Then pubescent yrs happen. But we develop at different rates. I remember at 12, 13, I was completely uninterested and rather ignorant of sexual things that other kids my age where already engaging in. I had never even thought about anyone or anything sexually, no puppy love crushes or odd sensations of attraction towards anyone. I was a late bloomer. Also was withdrawn and picked on as being "the weird kid". ( i should also mention i suffer from identity issues so my interpretation of things is difficult cuz the sexual parts of my identity are fractured so although I have some insight my sexual memories are mostly second hand information) sorry that is prob not relevant here but i feel oddly dishonest discussing sexual experiences cuz they dont feel like they really brlong to me..if that makes sense? Back to your post sorry bout the detour lol... You wrote that you also remember peers sexual behaviour seeming gross or odd to you in early adolescence. That could be due to being a late bloomer. Then before you felt comfortable or ready you had some s stuff pressured and forced on you. At the time it was fairly traumatic for you. The mind deals with trauma in many mysterious ways, so even though you dont now feel like it was that important, your mind could still unconciously be sending you signals that are repressing your sexuality and have caused you to feel numb towards sex. Im not saying that is true in your case, just that it is something to posdibly consider and if you work with a T you might want to discuss and explore. Its possible you have low libido either naturally or even without meds depression and anxiety can have drastic effects on libido and your lack of pleasant sexual experiences and being shot down by the first guy u actually felt some sexual attraction to could cause further repression and los of confidence and or more anxiety about all of it. You did mention that you have sexual fantasies so that means that somewhere inside you their is some spark of interest. Also you phrased your feelings toward masturbation as " it just didnt feel alright." If you were truly asexual it wouldnt feel like anything at all no sensation completely indifferent. If you gelt some thing but didnt realky like what you felt or were uncomfortable with the sebsation, IMO, that speaks more inline of repression or shame...which is actually very common for many woman. Our society has always unfortunately set a a double standard regarding sexuality although we have come a long way still there is a lot of shaming and stigma towards women's free sexual expression. Men generally have it a bit easier. Masturbation is viewed as a natural act as long as it is not overt. And engaging in sex before marriage is practically bragging rights. Women still dont recieve these msgs. We have to come to terms with sexuality on our own and filter out all the negative gossip and cultural shaming. Ok i have semed to have turned this well meaning reply into a rant. Bottom line, you are still young. You have plenty of time to explore and grow. I suggest you find a good therapist and spend some time safely and cautiously out in the dating scene. You stated you view yourself married and having children someday.... well that will require actually finding a guy that you would want to marry. Of course you now with thanx to science, you do not even have sex to have children. So if you do find that sex is just not for you, then there are many other life styles to consider. But it seems you have still a lot of learning about you to do first, so just take it one step at a time and be kind and gentle to yourself... Once you are able to open your mind to all the infinite different paths available in this world, im sure you will find one that feels right for you, and hopefully it comes with much happiness and love.

Hi Pflaumenkeks. Thanks for your reply. Thanks for your encouragement. It’s great that you found a guy that’s understanding. They’re hard to find these days.
I’ll try your suggestion. I know about a few forums for asexual and a dating site for asexual only.

Hi again Lost in the woods. I agree with most of the things you said. I’ve either read about them, though in that way or noticed it in my surroundings. However I would like to add some things that I didn’t explain in my previous posts:
1. Just because I was sexually averse it doesn’t mean that I was/am averse to touch. I like to be hugged and kissed on cheek by people I care about.
2. I wouldn’t say I was a late bloomer. When I was 11 I already had hair growing in weird places. I had my first period when I was 12. My breast started to grow by 13.
3. And I didn’t explain the part about the (sort of) crushes. Romantically I’ve always knew I was interested about boys. The earliest crush I remember is when I was 6. My attraction to boys has went through 3 stages. My first crushes were purely platonic. I desired to be friends with them, to know their likes, dislikes, interests, hang out with them. After that I also began to feel romantic and sensual attraction. That meant I began to fantasize about kissing, making out, hugging, cuddling, holding hands. And finally I was sexually attracted to the only guy I’ve fallen in love with.
4. Ever since I was young I was more curious about boys’ mind than about their bodies. I was interested why they liked certain thing, viewed things from a other perspective, behaved differently. Until I was 18 I didn’t view the male body in a sexual way, neither the females. I was aware who was aesthetically beautiful or handsome, but I was never sexually attracted to anyone only based on their appearance.
5. Porn may had an effect on my sexual aversion. I’m not saying it caused it, but it gave a negative image about sex. In 80% of the videos they treated the woman like a ragdoll. It was either a little rough or too hardcore for my taste. It’s mostly animalistic and done without too much emotion on either side. However when I watched female friendly porn or romantic movies sex seems more appealing. I like soft erotica the best though. I prefer these things because the sex is slower, gentler, sometimes I can almost feel the passion and affection between the characters. That’s only when I have my little sparks of sexual arousal.
6. I don’t know why I can’t masturbate. Maybe I chose the wrong moment, when I wasn’t aroused enough. Or maybe my sexual attraction started to fade by then.
7. I want to get married because I want a life partner so we can love, trust and support each other. I don’t see a man only as a possible sperm donor. I want the father of my children to be part of their lives. Of course there’s an exception if he would be a treat to mine or the children’s safety (for ex. if he’s a criminal or abusive).

I was sexually attracted to one guy, there’s a chance it will happen again. And then if the opportunity strikes, I’ll explore my sexuality. Right now there isn’t much I can explore.
Thank you for the kind words.