I may have done something abusive as a child, and I feel awful about it

I'm not sure if my story belongs in this subforum, but it's the closest thing I could find, so here it goes. I'll try to explain as best I can. It will be long, so I apologize for the wall of text. This may also be triggering for some people. But yeah, I really just want someone to listen, so I'd appreciate anyone reading this.

So I have a younger cousin. Let's call her M. She's about 6 or 7 years younger than me. Right now, she'd be in her early teens. In these past years, I'd say we've gotten along pretty well. Though, we haven't always gotten along all that well. When I was in my early teens myself, I didn't have much patience for my younger cousins, and I probably wasn't the nicest kid back then. But that's beside the point, I digress.

See, when I was around the age of 12 or 13, and when M was about 7 or so, we had an "incident" that led to me doing some things I'm not proud of. Like I said, I didn't get along with her back then, but I was probably the closest thing she had to an older brother back then. So, like any child, she always wanted to play and hang out with me. Sometimes she would have to pester me to say yes. Well...one day she apparently decided to do something different. I'm not sure if we were arguing about something, but I'm pretty sure she was trying to convince me to do something. So basically she, well...she took me into a closet, and asked if I wanted to see something. Then she er...she pulled down her underwear and just kind of started showing off her "lady parts" at me.

Now, thinking back at it, I'm not entirely sure what would give a 7 year old girl the idea of coercing her older cousin by doing such a thing. I mean, I honestly couldn't tell you what was going through her head. But pre-teen me didn't think about that. All I thought was "Oh hey, a girl's private parts. I've never gotten to see that before. I wonder if I could see more?"
She did eventually put her pants back on and we resumed whatever we were talking about(albeit very awkwardly). But that sparked some curiosity in my head. For a few days, or even weeks maybe, whenever we were alone, I would ask her something along the lines of "Hey, can we go in the closet and do that thing again?". And she would go along with it. No touching or anything. Just...me staring. And, like before, we'd resume whatever we were doing afterwards. We'd even make a little kiddy "fort" in the closet to hide behind just incase anyone walked in.

Then, eventually I started to feel guilty about it. At the time, all I knew is that what we were doing was kind of "naughty". And I suppose at the time I was probably thinking some BS about "Santa knowing what I did" (And I was a goody-goody two-shoes kid so back then I was pretty damn worried about making it on dat Santa list). So I just said to her "Hey, this is bad. We shouldn't be doing this anymore". And yeah...we just kind of stopped doing it. Never brought it up again. As both of us got older, I started being less of a prick to my little cousins and we started getting along a lot better. She even seemed to trust me more and open up to me more. It felt more like a normal relationship between two cousins/siblings and less spiteful and mean.

But, as I got older, and I learned more about sex and the do's and dont's...I realized that what I had been asking her to do back then could actually be considered really screwed up and severe depending on who you ask. Some people might just right it off as two kids playing doctor and getting a little too naughty, but some others might see me and think of me as a pedophile in the making or something like that. And I gave that some legitimate thought. I really didn't have any kind of attraction to kids or any problems being a sexual deviant. I just didn't really understand sexuality back then, and for some reason my younger cousin was willing to indulge my curiosity. That didn't stop me from feeling guilty though. Because, to be honest, my cousin was somewhat of a troubled child, even before we did our little naughty business in the closet. As far as parents go, she had her single mother and that was it. Her mother was also extremely moody and always nagged and griped at her for every little thing. Not to mention the fact that M apparently developed a terrible habit of looking at porn as she got older. No idea how she found it on the internet, but apparently it didn't gross her out enough to scare her away. She also got a lot quieter as she got older and would rarely talk about her feelings to anyone. We still don't really know what exactly is going on with her, but we know she's got mental/emotional issues.

Meanwhile, as I grew up, this guilt would keep eating away at me. I'd have long periods of time where I could go weeks or months without thinking about it. Where I could live my life as a normal teenager and not be dragged down by depression. And yes, I did eventually get diagnosed with clinical depression when I first started college. Though I was depressed for completely different reasons. But I did go see a counselor, I got on some meds, and I started fighting back against it. What's ironic though, is that the guilt from that incident had me depressed and thinking suicidal thoughts LONG before that. Like, I started really struggling with chronic depression around age 18, which is when I started counselling. But the thoughts of guilt had been beating me down since the beginning of high school.

Fast forward to today, and my parents and I have moved to a different state, away from the rest of our family. M and her mother have visited once, and we still get along pretty well. She still looks up to me and loves playing my video games and whatnot, as always. The rest of our family still loves me and thinks I'm the sweetest cousin ever for always being there for M. But none of them know what we did. Again, I know some people might write it off as two kids being morbidly curious. But I was still older than her, I should have known better. And considering how she's got mental issues, I feel like I MIGHT have been a cause of that. Maybe not, but the chance is there. Nobody knows except for a few friends I've confessed to about it. They've just tried to tell me not to worry about it, that I was too young when it happened for me to actually get in trouble with the police or anything(Which is what I was afraid of). Some of those friends have also something along the lines of "A girl at her age wouldn't normally have enough understanding of sex/sexuality to try and act provocative in front of an older sibling, so she probably had already experienced some form of sexual abuse beforehand."
And they could be right...but I'm still not sure. I feel awful about it either way, and I wish I could help. Yet she's miles away, still living with her mean mother. I've HEARD they're going to counselling together but I have no idea what they've talked about so far. And I've always thought that if I am to blame for her problems, I probably would be more harm than help anyways.

And probably the biggest problem I have is that hearing any kind of stories about rape or sexual abuse triggers the living hell out of me. I know I never actually touched her, but most people would hate me nonetheless. If people knew what happened, whether it be someone in my family, or even strangers, I'd be hated. Society wouldn't care about the circumstances. It doesn't matter that I was also just a little kid back then. I'd still be a freak to the rest of the world no matter what I say, because I asked a little girl to do something sexual, which is just plain wrong. I hear about all these sexual abuse stories on the news or the internet, and I've just gotten to the point of thinking that I'm no better than the heartless, remorseless sex offenders that everyone says should rot in prison(or hell).

Ever since I started fighting back against my depression, I've found a lot of reasons to be passionate about wanting to live. A lot of hopes and dreams, goals for life, etc. The usual things...going to college, getting an education, getting a good job, settling down with a wife and kids. You know, the American dream?
But then every time I remember that incident, and I realize that I could have had a negative impact on my cousin's mental health...I think: "Her life is screwed up right now. Why do I deserve any better if I'm to blame? I'm lucky that this entire thing is a secret. If my family knew, things would never be the same. Even if I did make some friends or find a girlfriend in this new town I've moved to...they'd be freaked out too if they knew what I did." And then the suicidal thoughts just start rushing back.

I've thought about bringing it back up again with M again next time I see her, and trying to apologize for it. I've thought about telling my family. I can't bring myself to do either though. I know people on the internet probably won't have answers for me. But I just wanted to get it off my chest.
And maybe even beg the question: Am I wrong about all these negative thoughts? Or have I hit the nail on the head? I'd wonder what people would think, but obviously I'm too afraid to tell anyone in real life. So here I am. If you've read this far, thanks for listening. Sorry for the wall of text.

Hello AeonycRiot: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with these intrusive thoughts. I think I will avoid saying anything about what you & your cousin did. I don't know as there's anything I could say you haven't already heard.

What I will tell you is that I have an ocean liner full of guilt, shame & regret. Hardly a moment goes by that something or other doesn't trigger some difficult thought. And, like you, I am convinced anyone who really knew my story would want to have nothing to do with me. (I'm not so sure that's really true in your case. I'm quite certain it is absolutely true in mine. As a result, I save people the trouble & simply keep to myself.)

Are you wrong about all of these negative thoughts? Well... that's not for me to say. It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what you think. The fact is the thoughts are there. And you need to deal with them if you're going to have any peace.

I recall you wrote you've seen a counselor. I don't know what "flavor" of counselor this was, if you got into any of this, or for how long you saw this person. My perspective is that you need to get with a skilled mental health therapist & delve into all of this in-depth over a period of time. You can't likely resolve this in one or two quick sessions. It's going to take time & work.

Perhaps there may come a time when you can talk with your cousin & / or your family about this. But my personal opinion is you're not ready for that yet. Until you've come to terms with this experience, you're only likely to make the whole situation worse. A skilled therapist could help you to figure out the best way to handle a discussion with your cousin or your family on this topic. And do note I've written "skilled therapist" a couple of times here. It can take a few tries to find the right one for you. Not every therapist works well with every client.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hey, @AeonycRiot,

I see nothing wrong in your story... I see no reason for you to feel bad about yourself...
Maybe, just to ease your thoughts you should talk to your cousin.

But what I think is this:
We've all arrived to this life and have many discoveries to do. And we do them... We discover our bodies, we discover love, we discover pain...
We're also often taught to be ashamed of us, of our feelings and of our body.... That's too bad.
We've all been children before... We've all made our discoveries one way or another.

I hope you clear it out and ease your mind about this time of your life..
Cheers

Even though you were older than her, you were still in the innocent phase. Being a young prepubescent boy means you are naturally curious about the opposite sex. This is a common story, but a good one, because I was worried as I read that you would be touching her, which you did not. It's normal for young kids to be looking at each other's bodies, compare and contrast. The reason why she asked you to look is likely because she was discovering her body herself. I remember being at my grandparents house with a big mirror closet and I would take off my pants and stretch myself out so I can look at my lady parts.

What you did was merely innocent. Neither of you had any idea on the concept of sex, and you did not violate her in any way. It's normal to want to look at each other.

Hoo boy do I know about horrific, intrusive, mind boggling guilt. I've got some things in my past too that are tucked away so deep that they only come up to bother me every few years. During those times I feel suicidal, panicking that I'm going to Hell for what I did and the potential damage I wrought on other people. Imagined or not... Eventually I get so mentally exhausted that my brain buries the memory/thought again to surface another day...

But take comfort from another voice saying you're free from judgement. At least in my eyes. Normally someone with a budding sexual deviancy like pedophilia will have recurring, often disturbing thoughts toward children and teens well into their adult life. It doesn't sound like you were having sexual thoughts about your cousin, just curious ones. It also doesn't sound like you're struggling with sexual thoughts toward children as an adult, just an overwhelming guilt and depression.

Do you think it might ease your mind to talk to her about it? Depending on the ease and comfort of your relationship now, you could mention that you remember that happening and express your remorse over it. Because whether you believe in your innocence or not, your feelings are still dogging you about it. A lot of times just not calling more attention to an embarrassing faux pas or screw up is the best way to handle it, because the louder you are about it the louder everyone else will be.

But in this case it might help you more to get some reassurance that you aren't the cause of her problems. And I don't personally think you are. She very well might look back on what you two did and cringe a little, or maybe attribute it as a symptom of something else going on. But in the end you did the right thing and followed your gut instinct; stopping it when you felt uncomfortable.

I know this is rambling a lot and I'm sorry. You're gonna be okay though. <3

You are hitting your head with a sharp nail and have been doing so for awhile, and are bleeding from self-injury.

That you feel so negative about yourself, so guilty, and so remorseful (over nothing, really - do re-read your text to note that the amount of text devoted to the facts is FAR smaller than the amount of text devoted to your feelings) is a symptom of depression. You need better fitting medications. The depression is putting these thoughts into your head.

Another idea is that what you really feel remorseful about is not the sexual part (which is really nothing but kids' play) but that you were not kind to her many years ago. The answer is to be kind to her now - NOT by bringing up the sexual play, but by listening to what she has to say, congratulating her on her wins when she plays your video games, finding out about what she is doing besides school, etc - you get the point. Build the emotional connectivity between you two now that neither of you is sexually curious or confused.

If you have a therapist, I would bring up how you blew the story out of proportion in order to give yourself material for feeling guilty.