Sexual identity confusion...

When it comes to my sexual identity I’m so confused. I haven’t talked to anyone about this yet. Few of my good friends know that I’ve slept with both men and women. So they classify me as bisexual. Another group of friends have no idea about my history with men and classify me as a lesbian.

I first had sex when I was 14 and that was with a guy. When I was 16 I came out as a lesbian. Since then I have a history of sleeping with both men and woman, but primarily being in relationships with women. Coming out as a lesbian was easy for me. I was accepted by everyone in my life. I’m scared to come out as bisexual because of the stigma around it. Honestly though I don’t know that I am bisexual. I have found men attractive, but have not had an emotional connection with them.

I’m so confused. I’m currently single and dating is rough because there are a lot of women that won’t date a bisexual woman. I feel I have to say I’m bisexual because I’ve been with men.
I think I need to figure out why I kept having sex with men. Overall I think it was because I was insecure. Also I was doing a lot of drugs and drinking and that’s mainly when I was with men.

It’s been about year since I’ve had sex. By choice, but also because of fear. I’m clean and sober these days and it’s something I’ve never really done while not under the influence.

I’ll be seeing a new therapist starting next week and this is definitely one of the things I want to work on.

Hello Justbyou: I'm sorry you are experiencing this confusion. In my case I have struggled with being transgender my whole life (never did anything about it though.) But as a result of that, I think I have at least some small sense of what you're experiencing.

I don't have any particular insight or suggestions to offer you. However I did wonder if you are familiar with the website: "bigender.net"? I'm not a member now, although I was for a brief time a few years ago. (I've had some contact, over the internet, with the founder & I know she's a good person.) Anyway, you might check that site out & see if creating an account there, & communicating with other members, might help you to clarify where you stand with regard to your sexual orientation. Good luck!

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Hi Skeezyks- No. I'm not familiar with that website at all, but will check it out for sure. Thanks so much!!

I've been toying with the idea of signing back in as well... don't know if I will...

It is entirely possible to be bisexual (sexually attracted to men and women) and also homo-romantic (romantically only attracted to one's own gender). People are much more complex than a lot of traditional, main stream ideas we've been taught.

Also, your identity is whatever you say it is, regardless of who you've slept with. I know people who identify as straight but have had homosexual sex too that they consider 'exceptions'. There is also the term hetero-flexible which basically means the same thing. I don't see why there couldn't be homo-flexible too. Or any other identity you choose for yourself.

I know there's a stigma and a lot of discrimination towards bisexual individuals which is something I just don't understand. A whole lot more people are likely bi than are comfortable admitting it because of the stigma. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with that and been hurt by it.

Thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. For the most part I have the attitude "I am who I am. Take it or leave it." At moments though it does bother me. I do know I will work through this and be able to accept who I am.

I identify as lesbian even though I have been sexual with about an equal number of men and women. I use the concept of love as I see sex as a biological function. I can/could have sex with a guy because it would feel good and he was attractive enough for me (physically or mentally). There was little to no emotional connect or emotional drive to build a relationship with a guy. I seek out women and I do find being sexual with women much more pleasurable.

Like Ember said - sexuality is so much more complex than mainstream America would like us to believe. Only you can figure out what you feel and that feeling might change over time. For me.. it's been many years now since I've been sexual with a guy and not so sure I'm interested in going there again.

Hi Elio - I really like how you put that and can totally relate. It's great to talk to people who get it or at least try to understand. Thank you!

sexual attraction and expression can certainly evolve and change over time. It is fine to be attracted to both men and women, and sexual attraction is not always the same as romantic attraction.

Feeling healthy and true to yourself is most important.

I'm a hetero-romantic bisexual, in that while I'm sexually attracted to both men and women, I prefer relationships and romantic connections with the opposite gender.

What really helped me was the concept that sexuality can be measured on a scale, with one side being completely hetero with no interested whatsoever with the same sex, to the complete opposite on the other end, completely homosexual with no interest whatsoever with the opposite sex. Then you have all the variants of attraction and whatnot in between. Also, keep in mind that gender is non-binary as well, meaning that one can identify with any number of gender variants. It can be very confusing and overwhelming with all these ways and scales to identify oneself as and whatnot, but I think that working with a T on this will help.

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Wow the support on this post has been amazing. I appreciate everyone's point of view.

I realized that I've been focusing and worrying more about what others think. In reality what they think shouldn't matter.

I had a situation happen the other day. I met a girl on an online dating site and we've been talking. She asked me if I was really gay. Ugh..that question. I explained that I don't like labels and talked a bit about my past. She was so accepting. It was amazing. There really are people out there who don't judge.

Somehow I get the feeling that its easier for women who lean to the straight side to say that they've had encounters with other women than for women to lean to the lesbian side to say that they've had encounters with men. It all boils down to the stigma, which I have seen far too much of with my own eyes. ie straight guys think its hot when a woman has been with other women where as lesbian women feel threatened when another woman has been with men.