past is haunting me

i've been diagnosed with add since i was in the second grade and had taken medication for it since i was in my early 17's, but switched to pot instead... i'm just now detoxing from that life style almost 2 years later and i'm horribly HORRIBLY confused with my sexuality. during the year that i took an interest in homosexuality i was on a mix of an antihistamine and concerta, which we were later told by a pharmacist that i caused psychotic reactions. i never blacked out or freaked out or had an emotional breakdown, but i can't help but wonder, what if? during the time i was having issues with my dad (who was never home) and i would be watching porn in my room, and he would tell me to stop. when i started discovering i could get stimulation from my penis i was told to stop. also during kindergarden i kissed a girl on the hand and was sent to detention where i had a somewhat traumatic experience (i went on the wrong day and i thought my teacher did it on purpose. i walked around the empty school on the verge of tears for about an hour or two)..... so i was interested in girls very early on in my life.... and i hear that homosexuals are always saying "they knew". i can't help but wonder, being the maleable person i am, having grown up on medications, never being myself, that i could have somehow lost my way. i am attracted to women.

i would describe my attraction to guys as an attraction to meaningless sex. when i contemplate MAKING LOVE i can't see me doing that with a guy, because obviously it hurts. i'd call it an %#@&#! abuse (my dad used to break yard sticks on my ***). although, i've had single experiences with 8 different males, but never kissed a girl. i can't help but wonder if i lost myself to distance myself from my family that i was having trouble trusting, spying on me and such.....

i feel so lost now. i feel broken. my smile isn't as whole as it was when i was a child, before the medications, and i'm a far different person that before i started being attracted to guys. i hold so much back now....

An easy answer is just to give yourself time, get out there and interact socially with people and see who you're attracted to. You don't have to decide to be one way or the other. But it obviously goes alot deeper than that and it sounds like you're really hurting. Therapy is a good thing for talking about stuff like this, getting it out of your head, feeling the feelings and making sense of it. Have you thought of that?

I'm sorry you are suffering so. You know, you ask questions that you really don't have to answer right now, imo. Everyone finds issues with things about him/herself whether from the past or current life. The thing about sex and all that encompasses is you can wait until you do get it all figured out before you have to do anything. That's one good thing about the topic. It can wait until you're clear.

We all get a clean slate as soon as we want one. Most people wait until the next morning, but really, you can decide that the past is the past, and while we do suffer some from our previous decisions, we no longer have to be who or what we were even yesterday.

I hope you will give yourself some time of restraint, at least until it no longer worries you. TC

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