Homo-Romantic / Sexual Confusion / Autogynephilia

Hi all,

Hope it’s okay to start a new thread, but I really felt like sharing this with atleast someone.

I am male, and identify as such. However, since I was about twelve, most of my sexual fantasies used to involve me being a woman – and in a relationship with men around me who I found desirable. This continues to this date (I’m 25 now) and confuses the hell out of me. Singularly so because I have now started feeling attracted to women as well, and sometimes have started having straight sex fantasies with me as the man.

Some Things about me :
(1) I watched a lot of gay porn and straight porn as a teenager, and was always attracted to the physical attributes of men, specially good looks and strong personality.
(2) I do not however, want to engage in gay sex. I have thought a lot about it, and if I try to fantasize about gay sex, do not get aroused sexually. I also do not engage in and fantasize about cross-dressing.
(3) I have OCD. This was extremely difficult in my early years but I have controlled it through sheer will and obsessive thoughts (Like If I don’t do this … XYZ will happen) don’t appear often. Even if they do, I am able to deal with it. However, thoughts/day-dreaming or fantasies still occupy my head a lot.

I have thought a lot about why my sexual fantasies turned out like this and here are a few tit-bits from my childhood:
(1) I grew up in an environment where girlfriend-boyfriend relationships were disapproved of and my parents objected to me being close to girls. This is typical in India, where most parents control aspects of your life – including marriage – and have a desire to select your future partner.
I was also encouraged to think of all girls as my sisters and thinking sexually of other girls was equated to me thinking sexually about my sister. This obviously troubled me and made me suppress any attraction towards girls as I grew up.
(2) I was a lonely child and did not have a lot of friends. My family is one of high achievers and hence I studied very hard to get into India’s best college. I did not have time to engage in any relationship in school or college and my sexual confusion added to this.

My mother also had a temper and I was beat as a child a lot, often at no fault of mine – but just bad mood/ temper from my mother. As I grew older I showed resistance to this and threatened to leave the house or call the police on some occasions. I now have a much better relationship with my mother. My parents still nurse thoughts of getting me arrange married though my sister had a love marriage and my parents grudgingly (After some emotional drama) accepted it.

(3) I was approached by girls during my school a lot – but I would just walk away from it due to the aforementioned reasons.

At present, I have obsessive fantasies about my friend … That if I was a woman I would be married and happy to him. I think sometime during my childhood I started feeling like I needed a strong male presence to support and love me would be the only way to survive.

I currently have started liking 'typical' macho things myself suddenly – working out, bikes , cars and sports (At 25!) – after having avoided them for all these years.

I am extremely confused on how to define my identity. I am scared of relationships with women – am I lying to them about my sexual identity?
I am also scared of making a mistake at this point on the same and feeling regret for the rest of my life. This is causing me a lot of depression ...

Would it be possible for you to see a sexuologist or sex therapist? I think they'll be able to help you figure stuff out.

They really don't have the therapy thing in India .... And Sexologists are quacks mostly.

Is there anyone else who has felt like this? And how have they dealt with it?