[MariaTheFictionkin]

Possible trigger:

Mention of paraphilia (zoosexuality), fetishes and somewhat self-harm

(Note)

I don’t know if this is the correct section to post this. Yes, I mention non-sexual related things like my belief system but mostly the problem I’ve been dealing with involves heavily on sexual fetishes, paraphilias alike.

I ask for the consideration of fully reading the entire post before replying to understand what I’m dealing with in full.

(Overview)

I’m a 23-year-old black female who lives dependent with her mother in an apartment complex. I have no history of the rest of my family and I’m the only child. I’m an online college student working towards a bachelor in the Arts who has had experience in the job field as a caretaker for mentally disabled people for a while now. I’m a very kink-positive person and I’ve made a few online friends in my life due to this. They have been supportive of me and my paraphilias and kinks for as long as I’ve known them and they don’t believe it’s a defunct aspect to my life.

I’m a zoosexual (meaning ever since I was young of age, I have always had a sexual interest towards non-human animals. This includes but not limited to monsters like from video games, animals in the real world and so forth).

I am also a fictionkin (meaning I have the belief of identifying as a fictional character(s) primarily Maria Robotnik (a character from the Sonic the Hedgehog series) and a Xenomorph (from the Alien series). I also have plenty of fetishes such as the fixation I have with the odor that skunks leave, the smell of armpits (particularly my own), BDSM, fursuits (or murrsuts – fursuits modified and used for sexual means) and I’m very open to things like coprophilia (one of my friends is very into it and I will sometimes role-play with him with that kink as a subject).

I consider myself a furry also since I love anthropomorphic characters (as well as in a sexual way), specifically animals and I’ve always been fascinated with furry art and conventions (though I’ve never been to one) and the fact I tend to linger around furry communities.

I believe in the existence of the multiverse (which includes the existence of fictional characters). I’m not part of a religion as my beliefs stim as far as limitless possibilities when it comes to the supernatural. Thus, means I’m a big believer when it comes to ghosts, angels, demons, vampires, Greek gods, etc.

I have a soulbond (like an imaginary friend or tulpa) which is an alternate version of the very well-known fictional character, Shadow the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog series. He is a big part of my life and I consider to be his fiancée. He has plenty of fetishes/kinks that are otherwise not treated like a norm in this society which in turn make me feel like I have a connection with him. He is also like the father figure in my life and I speak to him though the phenomenon of telepathy. I go to him for comfort whenever my mother says something triggering or is just downright mean to me for obscene reasons.
These are the things that play a major role in my life. They are also things that I have passion for and have shaped the person I am today. These also play a part in why for many years I’ve been dealing with stress and fear and lack of feeling “safe” in society.

(Life-Time Problem I’m Facing)

I am having a hard time enjoying the things that I like now. Such as, playing video games, watching movies, masturbating and a lot of other stuff. Lately the things I like are becoming more associated to negative triggers for me. It’s hard to participate with these activities without reoccurring memories of how I used to be bullied in high school and on social media and forums. For example, while playing the game, Final Fantasy XV, when I see a monster on there that gets me aroused I am then reminded on how much people consider me as a freak and scum to the Earth for being sexually attracted to non-human creatures. This ruins my gameplay experience as I just can’t seem to help but focus on that negative situation and automatically try to kill off my arousal as if it’s going to repel those bad thoughts. This is the same when I watch porn or look at pornographic pictures.

Even in the privacy of my own home/room I’m constantly feeling like I’m judged even when no one is watching me and sometimes I’ll start bursting out with tears because of this feeling. I don’t truly believe that the way I am is wrong and bad. But feelings and memories of past experiences overpower the rational part of me. This is a big issue I’m facing.

I hate this so much as these things used to serve as padding for my sadness and made me happy.

I want to be able to enjoy the things I love again, feel more at harmony with myself and be able to go out to places like conventions and to the grocery store without getting extremely paranoid no matter whether or not someone is going to judge me.

I want to not feel so timid and scared around social situations. I feel like a lot of times I want to just break down and cry in public. Which also frightens me because I don’t want to then tell people my reasons of crying due to judgment.

I’ve been told by multiple people (including my mother) to “just stop talking about it.” “keep that stuff to yourself.” Even though I don’t deliberately speak out about the things most consider to be only kept in the bedroom, they play a big role in my life. Even while being in (so-called) kink-positive environments most don’t tolerate certain paraphilias and alternate-lifestyles such as zoosexuality and belief in the multiverse.

(Important Note)

I am in no way looking to be “cured” from my zoosexuallity, my fetishes and beliefs. I want to be able to learn how to emotionally handle the stress I deal with while going through life being the way I am. “Curing” or otherwise ridding myself from these odd things as a solution is something I’m strongly against. I don’t experience un-resistible sexual impulses or anything resulting in confliction with the law or such things which can cause harm to myself or others.

I hope for those who are reading this will understand where I’m coming at.

(Things I do Under Stress)

• Vent to my friends

• Wrap myself up in layers whenever I go out somewhere (I don’t know why I do this, but it makes me feel comfortable when I’m bundled up. I read somewhere that when people do this it means that they are protecting themselves)

• Be naked in the enclosure of my room (I have the tendency to be very sensitive to touch, especially when it comes to clothes and certain fabrics. This sensitivity triggers a lot when I’m under stress. When I’m not out and about I like to strip down to nothing while I’m on the computer or playing a game to prevent uncomfortable feelings. My mother knows this but treats it if I’m doing nude shots or nude cam with strangers though I’m not.)

• Cry

• Sweat

• Eat (Sometimes I eat more than I usually do when I’m sad)

• Hyperventilate

• Tremble & shake

• Pull my hair

• Scream

• Bite my arm (Not to the point of bleeding or tearing off skin)

• Keep a noticeable distance from people in public (I have been scolded by my mother because of it)

• Refuse to talk to people (makes it extremely hard to socialize with others and have a positive time at work. Again, I was scolded by my mother because of this.

• Sleep during the day (Sometimes stress gets me so much that I can’t find anything to do to enjoy myself so I sleep. Again, scolded by my mother because of it)

• Sometimes destroy my own personal belongings. (I tend to get upset easily when someone judges me or says something negative about a kink whether or not it involves my own. So, at times I would destroy my personal belongings like headphones and knickknacks out of anger).

I would’ve put games on here but stress makes me lose my interest in playing games. As I’ve mentioned before, playing video games has triggered negative thoughts in my mind.

(I’ve tried the Internet)

I didn’t have a very good time within communities for furries, zoophiles/zoosexuals and otherkin/fictionkin. I was always treated as a troll or basically ‘too weird’ for their communities because I’d fit the common stereotypes of these (ex. Being a sexual furry and a zoosexual within the furry community – which a majority of furries despise people like that and believe them to be a plague giving the community a bad name and a reason why outsiders look down upon them). I’ve been mistreated on zoo support sites for mainly being open about my relationship with Shadow and sometimes just being into different animals than most would consider “normal” (Normal being dogs and horses, even though I don’t seem to have a limit of what arouses me I tend to lean a lot towards porcupines, beavers and moles). And being more kink positive and sexually open which for a lot of zoos on these sites, as strange as it is treat sex, even the fantasy of it as a bad thing. Like the furry situation, a bad demeanor that people fear is the cause for outsiders shamming the community.

Recently I’ve stopped participating on these community sites. With my pattern of being banned and mistreated to the point of leaving because of a highly toxic environment since my teen years I’ve been distancing myself more and more from places. And whenever I do decide to try out a forum I think I could tolerate and that would tolerate me, I freeze, sometimes I’d cry or sweat tremendously of the thought of the same cycle happening again. Causing me great anger and stress.

This leaves me with literally no place to feel like I can be myself in. Between the internet and the ‘real world’ no matter what, I feel like I must hide the way I am to function positively in the world. And this feels like it’s deteriorating me from the things I like. I do not like masking myself in this way to function properly. It makes me feel bottled up inside as if I forced to pretend to be someone that I’m not because of social norms.

(Past)

Even though I don’t yell as much as I’ve done in high-school, I still have the tendency to get easily angry and very defensive when someone brings up something negative about me or about kinks in general. Negative mentions of zoosexuality and the act of bestiality is a main trigger that can set me off to tears and it’s a struggle to remain calm and not speak up or otherwise put myself out there as someone who disagrees with said thing to not be harassed or abused since zoophiles/zoosexuals are people who are easily mistreated and labeled as horrible individuals who need to be locked up.

I had stopped watching tv for 5 or more so years because of this. It was hard to not throw the remote at the screen whenever some joke would splurge up regarding zoos or other kink related subjects. What really stopped me from television was seeing a guy get arrested for having sex with his dog on a news report. That brought me in tears and utter week-long dreading and that’s what initially had me forbid my eyes from looking at television again, especially the news (now I just watch things on YouTube which I’ve been fine now as an alternative to entertainment).

In high-school, I used to yell (a lot) at the bullies who would tease me for me sexual interests and my feelings I had towards Shadow. The kids on the city bus would throw batteries at me, smack me on the face, pull my hair and laugh and call me names like “Freak!” and “Shadow’s Girl” I was forced to see a consular which my mother highly despised me for, as if it was my fault that I was put into counselling. It only last for a couple days until my mother had to forcefully tell the woman that because she would. This woman is the main reason why for years I would refuse to see a therapist/psychologist because she acted like a psychiatrist who thought my zoosexuality was a mental disorder and tried to change it and made me feel like a criminal asking me if I “had access to zoos and animals”

One time when I was much younger, I was thrown off a swing and beaten up by a group of boys. I don’t know exactly for what reason but it happened.

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Recently my mother has suggested that I speak to a therapist and take medication since all of the common methods of coping with stress have seem to fail for me. This is something I decided to consider even after these years of being resentful.

I wanted to share my story on a psychology related site to get some feedback and support as well as a way to express to others of the problems I’m dealing with before I seek out a therapist.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ComplexGirl: Thanks for sharing this. I'm an old person now. And while I can't relate to a lot of specifics you wrote about in your post, there was also quite a bit I could relate to.

I won't go into a lot of detail here. But suffice it to say there is a large thread of secrecy that was woven throughout my life. Somehow, I don't know how, I learned very early in life that there were things I must never tell anyone about. And so I didn't.

Just a few years ago, I opened the door, just a crack, & poked my head out briefly. However it became quite clear rather quickly that no one wanted to hear about it. So I closed the door & retreated back into the closet. The only difference is that, at this point, my age is such that it's all mostly behind me now... except for the memories. Anyway... I mostly just wanted to let you know I read your post & I wish you well...

[MariaTheFictionkin]

Hi Skeezyks,

Thanks for the wonderful reply of kind words and for reading my post. I know it's hard for anyone to really relate to what I'm going through but thanks for trying to find a similarity in order to sympathize with me. I really appreciate it.

[tryingtobeconstruct]

Are you hurting anyone? No? Then **** the bastards who have a problem with you.