My Spanking Interest

I have had a lifelong fascination with spanking. At times, it is even an obsession. It has been with me since early childhood. I am trying to pinpoint why I have it, what caused it, and if it is possible to get rid of it. Please, don't judge. I know that this is sick and unnatural. I am looking for helpful answers. Let me describe my interest. I am interested in disciplinary spanking, NOT adult consensual/pleasure spanking. My interest is limited to spankings given to children either by parents or teachers/principals. If it is not disciplinary, then it is not interesting to me. Playful birthday spankings, consensual spankings, and even hazing/fraternity paddlings don't interest me one bit. I couldn't care less about spanking as part of a couple's sex life, etc. Doesn't interest me in the least what a couple does in their bedroom. It is solely those given as true discipline. And, plus, I am only fascinated by the discipline of minors. I have no interest in the discipline of wives or husbands by their spouses, etc.

I still remember the first moment when I realized that I had this fascination. I was about 4 years old and was watching the "Tom and Jerry" cartoon. There was a scene where Jerry trapped Tom in a window and spanked him with a paddle. I remember watching that scene and having a "funny" feeling. I can't describe the feeling, but it was one of pure fascination. I knew that for some reason, I liked what I was seeing. It captivated me. Ever since that day, I searched for spanking scenes in TV and movies and books and everywhere else. I am now in my late 30s, but I can remember spanking scenes or threats in TV shows that I saw way back in the '80s. To illustrate how obsessed I am, I have even bought entire DVD sets of shows just to see one quick spanking scene again after all these years. If I saw anything spanking-related in shows or movies, I NEVER forgot it. I would always watch for those episodes to come back on TV where I could record them. If I had a scene recorded, I might rewind it 100 times and watch it over and over and over.

My interest goes way beyond TV and movies and books. If I am in a store and hear a parent threaten a child with a spanking, I pay total attention. As soon as I hear the word "spanking", my ears perk up. I stop whatever I am doing and am totally attentive. As sick as this sounds, sometimes I wish the child would continue to misbehave where the parent would spank the child in my presence. I also love it when spanking discussions began at work. I love hearing my co-workers talk about their childhood spankings. It is so interesting to me to find out whether or not my friends and co-workers were spanked as children. I also want to know HOW they were spanked, who spanked them, all the details. I know that this is not normal. There is something wrong with me. It is not normal to care about someone's childhood spankings. Why do I care so much? I want to understand. I can't help caring and wondering and being fascinated. If a friend is describing a spanking she got at age 7 or whatever, I am fully captivated. I could listen all day long.

Any ideas on what might have caused me to be this way? Was it something in my childhood? I have heard about spanking being a form of sexual assault on children. I was spanked as a child. I hated it. I hated it even after I realized that I was fascinated with it. Whenever I was told that I was about to get a spanking, I was terrified and full of dread. My stomach felt sick, and I always tried to beg my way out of it. I was always spanked with my clothes on, never had my pants pulled down. Still, one time, I remember having sort of a pleasure feeling before a spanking started. Then, once it started, it hurt so bad that I cried and begged for it to stop. I felt so awful and mad after spankings. I would do anything to get out of getting one, including lying. Why would I be so fascinated with something and hate it at the same time? What is wrong with me? For the record, I do not engage in adult spanking. I have never felt the desire to engage in adult spanking. My interest is limited to watching spanking scenes in TV and movies, listening to friends' stories, and listening for spankings/threats out in public. Still, there is something very wrong. Why am I this way?