Help me, dont know how to accept this...

Sorry for my bad english. I dont know if i am writing this in the right thread, but i dont know where else to put it. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and ********* in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me ************* with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. She was the only person who really understood me, but now she is taken distance from me, to make her own life better. I love her and i am happy that she is happy, but this is so hard... And i think she has found a new guy. The only person i could talk to and i felt loved me for who i am, dont want to talk to me anymore. I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps. My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely. My dreams are gone... i always wanted to be a musician, but i can't after i have done this. I can't get over what i have done, and i am so afraid someone will find it all the time. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help

Hello Dyreal: I recall reading your previous post on this situation. I hope you are okay. I don't know as there is a lot I can say here beyond what I wrote in my reply to your previous post. But I thought I could at least give you some links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of recovering from guilt, shame and regret. Perhaps something in these will be of some benefit:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/guilt-t...pling-emotion/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-t...ntial-emotion/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/breakin...tive-behavior/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/therapi...cept-yourself/

The other thing I guess I can just suggest here is that simply being here on PC, reading & replying to other members' posts & posting more of your own, perhaps participating in some of the regularly scheduled chats, can be really helpful. So I'd like to encourage you to hang in here with us. You may well even find one or more members you feel comfortable with, with whom you can communicate via Personal Message. I can certainly understand how you feel about what you did. But you're not the only one to have done so. And you can rise above this and succeed. I send hugs your way with the hope that it might be so...

Let the past be past. A lot of women have this issue, you're not alone. You just need to accept and move on. All other people can do is remind you that you are human. Be easy on yourself, your still just a kid.

Hundreds of millions of people - maybe more? - are naked or performing sexual acts - on the internet. No use worrying about it too much.

If I were you I would stop worrying, realize that you’ve no reason to die, and try to charm your girlfriend again. That’s the healthiest thing that you can do,