How/when should you tell someone that you don’t want to have sex?

I should point out; this question is purely hypothetical at this point. It’s aimed at either someone in a relationship, or someone who is “dating” and romantically interested in a person, but has no desire for sex. There’s no one in my life right now and hasn’t been for a while. I do want there to be someone, but for a long time I’ve been confused about my sexuality and that, among other things, has really held me back from even trying to meet someone. Anyway…

I’ve always found sex to be a bit of an odd subject. Like most people growing up, I was curious about it. I assumed I’d have it one day, but I was never particularly bothered about when that would be. I’m in my mid-20s now and, while I have had sex a couple of times, I never found it to be extremely pleasurable. I’d never go out looking to hook up with someone for a one-night stand or casual sex, and sexual attraction has never been high on the list of characteristics I looked for in potential partners. For me, a partner/companion has been primarily to do with an emotional connection and how comfortable I feel around them, rather than whether I want to have sex with them. I’ve also noticed my sex drive decrease over the last 18/24 months or so from “low” to “virtually non-existent”. Thoughts of sex (and my very few/brief sexual experiences during this time) have left me feeling uncomfortable, insecure, upset and even unwell. I don’t know if I’m ever going to want to have sex again, and I don’t know what to do about this.

For the most part, this is fine, as it doesn’t affect my day-to-day life in any significant way. However, in the romantic/dating world, it plays a pretty huge role. Sex is a massive part of relationships (especially early on). (Note: This is slight conjecture and is based on the people I know. Maybe I know a lot of people with high sex drives, or just a lot of people who are outspoken about sex, but a large majority of the people I know like sex, like having sex often and think of people (in a relationship) who don’t have sex as weird.) Statistically, if you don’t want to have sex, you’re abnormal. Even couples who start off slow are going to have sex eventually.

I currently have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone (basically any physical sex acts (I could make a list)), but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a romantic relationship (I’m fine with stuff like cuddling, kissing, non-sexual touching etc.) My difficulty/concern here is how and when do you mention this to a potential partner? Do you mention it early, so you know right away whether they’re not right for you, or do you leave it longer, to wait and see whether you actually connect first? I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t want to be left by someone because I can’t give them sex.

Extra things I need to mention:
- I know not everyone in a relationship is happy (all of the time)
- I know not everyone who is single is sad (all of the time)
- I know you shouldn’t rely on any other person to make you happy
- I know you need to live your life for yourself first and, if you’re happy, you’re more likely to meet someone and to have it be a healthy relationship
- I know you shouldn’t be with someone who makes you unhappy, as that does no good

I see the above written in all kinds of articles (e.g. about meeting people, feeling happy about yourself etc.) and I feel I have to make it clear that I know these exist before anyone tries to mention them.

I think that’s everything for the moment. I’ve probably explained some unnecessary things too much and some important things too little. I’ve never really spoken about this to anyone, so that may be why I’ve rambled a bit. If there are any questions, please ask away and I’ll answer as best I can. I’d just really appreciate some advice if anyone has any. Thanks.

Hello Chapper: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I don't know if I really have any particular insight into the question you pose. My thinking I guess, with regard to how early in a relationship a person should disclose they have no particular desire for sex, is that this should be disclosed as early in the relationship as it is comfortable to disclose it. In other words, I certainly wouldn't just blurt it out at the first opportunity. But I would mention it as soon as it became comfortable to do so if that makes sense. The potential problem is that the longer you wait, the more entangled you may become with the person you're seeing & the more complicated it may become to bring the subject up... possibly to the point where you end up not disclosing it at all... or not disclosing it until it becomes really difficult to do so.

There's an analogy here I'd like to share. I've had some life-long gender identity issues. And, although I've never done anything about them, I've been interested in the experiences of people who transition from one gender to the other. One of the concerns that can arise is how early in the development of a relationship one discloses one has transitioned. If you disclose the information right away, it may eliminate the possibility of having a relationship develop at all. But, the longer you wait, the more difficult it may become... & the more severe might be the reaction. There aren't any hard-&-fast rules with regard to this. Individuals have to make their own decisions based on the dynamics of each relationship they encounter. And how they handle the question may vary from one relationship to another. I think the question of how soon to disclose you have no desire for sex is similar.

There are, as you can imagine, lots of articles in PsychCentral's archives on the subject of romantic relationships. Here are links to some that may be of some interest:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...ries-in-yours/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/14-tru...tic-true-love/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do...from-intimacy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-5-...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/book-re...th-an-asexual/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

P.S. I don't know if you consider yourself to be asexual. But there is a website for asexual people I became aware of recently. here's a link:

https://asexuality.org/

It should be sooner, rather than later. No sense in building up a deeply personal relationship only to have the other person not want to continue because you don't want to have sex with them.

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Thank you both for your responses. I'm checking out those links when I can find the time.

they tech in schools to just say no. to follow their gut feeling if it doesn't feel right to just say no. in fact my elementary school children are quite the users of the word no... no I dont want to do my homework, no I dont want to do my chores no I dont want a beer, no I dont want to smoke, no not getting married. lol the sweet innocence of children right. now if adults could take a page from their book and do the same say no when it doesnt feel right. Im married and my wife and I always just say no, but we do know some couples who feel they cant say no. just the other night we were playing cards with another couple and one was obviously uncomfortable with the other partner making sexual inuendos of how to finish the night off. finally I looked at her and said if your teen aged child was being pressured by someone like this what would you tell them to say... she said just say no. I said well ? she she squared her shoulders looked at her partner and said no, nope not happening now lets play cards.

granted it is hard sometimes to say no but if we are going to teach our children how to just say no, its time we adults practice doing it too..

anyway thats my take on your hypothetical question.