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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2004
Location: Utah
Posts: 2,940
20 |
#1
Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted in a while, but I need a place to talk about this. I haven't had the guts to bring it up in therapy for various reasons. This will be long, but please read and offer your take on it... I have some major issues surrounding intimacy (emotional and physical). Some background (embarassing info!)... I'm a survivor of physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect, but no sexual abuse. I am 25 and a virgin. Never been in a relationship, never even been kissed. I've had sexual attractions to various ppl here and there, but kind of have to "force" myself to have any kind of sexual fantasy. I don't find fantacizing upsetting, it's just hard for me to fantasize I guess. Doesn't happen "naturally." I love reading erotic books, and although I've never watched porn I do enjoy arousing scenes in movies, tv, etc. BUT... I FREAK OUT when people get close to me, even people I'm attracted to. Have trouble breathing, want to escape (even though part of me enjoys it, too). It's actually been a long time since I've been in that position, because I've actively avoided forming relationships for several years now. I think I avoid relationships on purpose because I'm afraid of being physically or emotionally vulnerable. In the past, I have attracted a few men who seemed kind of predatory (meaning they pushed my physical boundaries... though I've never been raped or anything) and I've felt trapped and just freeze. I also am TERRIFIED of initiating even platonic physical contact, even when I want it. With most people, though, I find any physical contact to be at least somewhat aversive. I don't understand why. (I do love to get hugs from a select few people, and am always hungry for physical affection even though I find it aversive from most people). I tried to have a pap smear done a couple years ago just as a routine health check, but was unable to complete it. I was squirming away from the doctor, intensely afraid, panicky. I threw up afterward. Recently, another doctor suggested wanting to do an exam and I refused. I just can't handle it. I also have never "takend matters into my own hands". The thought of doing that freaks me out and scares me, too. I feel like a freak, and like I'll be alone forever. I'm really in fear of ever having sex, and I hate my body. I'm so lonely, though, and part of me yearns to have a partner in my life emotionally as well as sexually. Is it possible I have a sexual aversion disorder, even though I've never been sexually abused? Can anyone relate? __________________ Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name ~Alanis Morissette |
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