(possible trigger?) sexual aversion disorder with no history of s.a.?

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in a while, but I need a place to talk about this. I haven't had the guts to bring it up in therapy for various reasons. This will be long, but please read and offer your take on it...

I have some major issues surrounding intimacy (emotional and physical). Some background (embarassing info!)... I'm a survivor of physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect, but no sexual abuse. I am 25 and a virgin. Never been in a relationship, never even been kissed. I've had sexual attractions to various ppl here and there, but kind of have to "force" myself to have any kind of sexual fantasy. I don't find fantacizing upsetting, it's just hard for me to fantasize I guess. Doesn't happen "naturally." I love reading erotic books, and although I've never watched porn I do enjoy arousing scenes in movies, tv, etc.

BUT...

I FREAK OUT when people get close to me, even people I'm attracted to. Have trouble breathing, want to escape (even though part of me enjoys it, too). It's actually been a long time since I've been in that position, because I've actively avoided forming relationships for several years now. I think I avoid relationships on purpose because I'm afraid of being physically or emotionally vulnerable. In the past, I have attracted a few men who seemed kind of predatory (meaning they pushed my physical boundaries... though I've never been raped or anything) and I've felt trapped and just freeze. I also am TERRIFIED of initiating even platonic physical contact, even when I want it. With most people, though, I find any physical contact to be at least somewhat aversive. I don't understand why. (I do love to get hugs from a select few people, and am always hungry for physical affection even though I find it aversive from most people).

I tried to have a pap smear done a couple years ago just as a routine health check, but was unable to complete it. I was squirming away from the doctor, intensely afraid, panicky. I threw up afterward. Recently, another doctor suggested wanting to do an exam and I refused. I just can't handle it.

I also have never "takend matters into my own hands". The thought of doing that freaks me out and scares me, too.

I feel like a freak, and like I'll be alone forever. I'm really in fear of ever having sex, and I hate my body. I'm so lonely, though, and part of me yearns to have a partner in my life emotionally as well as sexually.

Is it possible I have a sexual aversion disorder, even though I've never been sexually abused? Can anyone relate?

I am not a therapist but I would think talking to a therapist about this would be a good idea. I am sorry you are going thru this.

I'm not sure what to tell you about this issue. I think you will need to talk about it in order to resolve it. There is a book (a novel) that I listened to recently, that I think you might find interesting. I thought of you, because one character seems to have a similar issue. The book is probably full of triggers though - it talks about sex and mental illness and suicide. Here's a review: http://www.complete-review.com/revie...ih/norwood.htm The book is Norwegian Wood, by Murakami Haruki.

Is it possible at all this could be a part of suppressed memories?

I've never been abused, but I think I feel the same way you do. I keep putting off getting the pap. I've never been in a relationship. I fear sex.

So, I don't know if you have this aversion thing, but I do know you're not alone. Sorry I couldn't help more.

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Is it possible at all this could be a part of suppressed memories?

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I've wondered about that, but I've also thought that I'm probably just making myself neurotic about something that doesn't need to be such a big deal. Like I'm just being melodramatic. I don't know.

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I've never been abused, but I think I feel the same way you do. I keep putting off getting the pap. I've never been in a relationship. I fear sex.

So, I don't know if you have this aversion thing, but I do know you're not alone. Sorry I couldn't help more.

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It is really nice to know that someone else can understand. I feel like such a freak! Have you ever been to a therapist about it?