[buckyuck1]

I am in a relationship with a woman that I love very much. In my past I used to view porn on a very regular basis....some people would probably even say too much. Once I met her I stopped because I knew that porn was something she did not like and she was very opposed to it. I have been with her for about 2 years and last week I found myself visiting an old website that I used to view and looking at porn.

I did not enjoy it and I was not aroused by it...but I have no clue why after 2 years of not viewing it I did again. I don't think I had the intention of masturbating to it but I honestly do not know why I even looked. This is something that she hates and I know that.

She found it in my history before I had worked up the courage enough to tell her what I had done. I do not find it appealing anymore but I am still troubled by why I looked at it again in the first place.

Does anybody have any thoughts on why I might have done that...because I honestly do not have an answer and that scares me.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
buckyuck1 said:
Does anybody have any thoughts on why I might have done that...because I honestly do not have an answer and that scares me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


Many people (male & female) use porn as a substitute for some thing they are not emotionally getting in their real life......... have YOU been missing some thing lately?

- substitute adjective
: a person or thing that takes the place or function of another

[Cyran0]

buck. It's hard for one other person to fulfill our every sexual need. This is why masturbation is healthy. But fantasy can be hard to achieve when you're not in the habit of creating them and porn can be a quick shortcut.

Another issue for men is that we're turned on by novelty. It's why staying with the same partner can be very difficult. Our partner, whom we love, has become too familiar and we crave something to fuel our libido. Dirty pictures, videos, erotica, these things add fuel to our fantasies and charge up our sex drive.

So what I'm saying is that while we don't talk about it much, getting aroused is a mental thing for a guy too. We need to constantly reinvent sex in our minds to remain vital and invigorated. It doesn't mean we want to be with someone other than our partner, it's just fuel for our sex drive. If things become too stale, predictable, or mundane in our minds eye, we lose some of our sexual interest.

Regarding the difficulty this is having in your relationship, I'd recommend exploring erotic stimuli your partner doesn't object to. You might also try changing up your sexual routine.

Good luck.

Cyran0

[Peacemaker]

Hi Buck,

I, personally, do not mind if my husband views erotic sites. I don't even mind if he watches the movies but he really doesn't.

I really agree with cyran0. I have read many of his posts and have found him to be very insightful and understands the male psyche well.

I wish I could add my own comments, but as a female, I don't know if I can totally relate. I think that porn can be very beneficial to a relationship, except when viewing depictions of rape, violence, and bestiality). In actualities, scientific studies have proven this to be true.

My advice is to work on forgiving yourself and work into acceptance instead.

Be Blessed,
Peacemaker
Sherri

[Raynaadi]

How did your gilfriend take it when she saw it in your history?

I'm a woman and occasionally I watch it too. I had a boyfriend once who watched it a lot....and it became a problem. But there have also been times when I've watched it with my partner....to kinda spruce things up.

Everything in moderation.....for me, its only when it becomes routine and habit and constant, that it becomes a problem.

Well, I'm going to go out on a limb here.... as I don't agree that men have to have novelty and they should/do get aroused by porn.

I wonder if your viewing it had nothing to do with your libido.... but had to do with a "forbidden". You've heard the old saying about children- when they're told not to do or touch something that's when they are more likely to do so. Maybe it's the-- with all due respect-- the immature part of you that just wants to press the limit?

Well, that's just what I was wondering... since you said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I did not enjoy it and I was not aroused by it...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> and then followed by:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
but I have no clue why after 2 years of not viewing it I did again. I don't think I had the intention of masturbating to it but I honestly do not know why I even looked. This is something that she hates and I know that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
just a different view........

mandy

[buckyuck1]

Cyran0 - I'm tending to agree with your view on this. It's not like I wanted somebody else or am bored with my partner but maybe the sexual routine does just need to be changed every now and then. Thank you for your insight as you seem to be very knowledgeable.

Peacemaker and Raynaadi - She did not take it well that it was in my history but the major reason behind that was because I did not tell her about it. It had been a couple of days and I had not grown the courage to tell her what I did. Since then we have talked about it and she has said that if I really feel the need to look at it I could get some magazines or something but I just have to let her know about everything so it's not like i'm trying to lie or cover something up.

Mandyfins - I had not thought about that angle before of it being forbidden so I wanted to do it. I have heard the old saying and in many instances it can be true.

Since I looked at it and the confrontation was over we have talked extensivley about it and have worked out a lot of issues with it. It will just take time for me to accept what I did and to truely forgive myself and will also take time for her to be able to trust me again. But that is something I am willing to work on with her.

Thank you for your insight and I look forward to anybody else weighing in on the subject.

[heyjoe]

Buck , i think that you are being way to hard on yourself. There is no need to forgive yourself, or feel guilty. Looking at pictures or a video is not cheating. If you went to a strip club and had someone dancing on your lap, then that is another story. If your girlfriend is that rigid and puts you through the grinder for finding some porn in your computer history, then i would think long and hard before thinking about a long term committment. If it is because of something that happened to her in her past, then i would be more understanding, if its because she is the jealous type or is forbidding things for you because of religious or her sense of morality than i would give her a nice kiss goodbye. Jealousy is corrosive to a relationship and if she is going into a relationship thinking that she is going to control you or change you , then you have a very rocky road ahead. We are men not children.

[buckyuck1]

heyjoe - she is not the jealous type anymore. She used to be when we first started dating and I think that has a lot to due with why I had a hard time telling her the truth on this. 2 years ago I think she would have probably just up and left me where as now she was very open to talking to me about what was going on and just letting me know that the reason it hurt so bad was because I didn't tell her.

The reason she hates porn is because of stuff in her past it isn't because she is really jealous or religious. I agree with the fact that jealousy is corrosive and I am very happy that she is not jealous anymore and is more open to talking and trusting me. She does not want to control or change me...her past relationships have shown her that you cannot change a person unless they want to change.

[heyjoe]

It sounds like you two are headed in the right direction and will get over this little bump in the road. Talking and listening are the most important things you can do in a marriage or long term relationship, in my opinion.

[Cyran0]

And thanks to those who complimented my feedback but I do want to say, these are my own opinions and while I think they are good, they should be taken with a grain of salt.

Cyran0

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
heyjoe said:
Looking at pictures or a video is not cheating. If you went to a strip club and had someone dancing on your lap, then that is another story.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Just a little FYI -

Please keep in mind that while this form of sexual pleasure maybe not be perceived as cheating per some of the male minds (since no physical contact actually took place) - this can be seen as cheating to many females...... as looking and getting aroused by another (in person or via image) is sharing sexually with another out side of the relationship, therefore, some females will deem it as cheating.

[findebsoon]

Heyjoe, I'm really confused on this idea. Really this
is not a debate because we all know why we watch porn,
because its instant, available and gives pleasure to the
senses. DUH, please don't avoid something you find
appealing just don't view it constantly because as with anything when abused it soon becomes mundane.

DB

[heyjoe]

i should have put in the disclaimer in my opinion because of course there are many opinions on behavior and morality.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
heyjoe said:
i should have put in the disclaimer in my opinion because of course there are many opinions on behavior and morality.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hmm - not really sure if I should laugh or what over that reply....... but any how - all I was doing was giving a female POV on the subject of porn viewing, since the original poster is a guy and he is in a relationship with a female, and no matter if he (or another male) does not see viewing porn as cheating - his girl friend may see it differently, therefore, it could create problems for the two of them.


BTW - my reply was not personal nor against any one in particular - it was just in response to the quote that "that viewing porn is not cheating"

[haunted]

Maybe you were subconsiously "testing" yourself? Just to see if the old allure was still there? Revisiting our past is what we do to heal and old addiction, wound or whatever our issues might be.

It's a good thing then that you say you didn't enjoy it. This seems like an accomplishment on your part and maybe you should talk to your girlfriend about it along those lines.

[buckyuck1]

Haunted - I had never thought about that before. Our relationship had been going really well and maybe I was just "testing" myself to make sure that I didn't want anybody else or that I was completely over that part of my life. I did not enjoy it and I do not want anybody else but maybe that was just my way to make sure of that fact.

[haunted]

Glad i could help put a new spin on it for you.

good luck with everything