Struggling with Attraction for Young Girls

A quick background about myself...

I'm a divorced middle aged man with bi polar disorder. I've had girlfriends in the past of appropriate ages. But I broke off my last relationship because I didn't want my mental illness to become a problem for her. We're still friends and I think I made the right decision.

I've always been a bit of a pervert. And I have some harmless fetishes that I've come to accept with age. Occasionally, I find either comfort or arousal when wearing diapers and/or panties. I realize it's just the way my brain in wired, so to speak.

To be clear, I've never done anything in real life to be with a under aged girl. Sometimes I'll look at a cute girl the wrong way in public. But I try to get a grip on reality and stop myself before being noticed.

What I struggle to keep under control is looking at young girls wearing bikinis and/or skimpy outfits that show off a little too much. Especially searching for pictures on sites that I won't mention here. It's something I'm not proud of and wish I could just stop doing it.

Even if it is just a fantasy or an escape to just look at them, I know it not a healthy way to think or behave. I haven't been able to determine if I'm actually a pedophile, but I seem to be leaning in that direction.

I'm also afraid to open up to my therapist about this issue. I'm concerned there could be an overreaction that could make matters worse. That's why I've come here to seek advise hoping for some level of anonymity.

So, is there a way to change my thinking? Can I actually get better and have some control over my urges? I hope so. Thanks for reading this far and also for any help that can be offered.

Thanks so much for coming here to PC to share your concern. The first thing I guess I'd like to tell you is that I'm a 70 year old man who has had a life-long struggle with my gender identity. Plus, in conjunction with that, I've also struggled with a number of different things that might be described as fetishes. (It's a long story & I'll spare you the details.) But I mention that simply to let you know that I'm not unfamiliar with your struggle.

You mentioned fearing opening up to your therapist with regard to this issue out of concern there could be an over-reaction that could make matters worse. However I guess my first thought is that talking through what you are dealing with is exactly what you need to do. Of course I obviously don't know your therapist nor do I have any inkling as to your relationship with her / him. So perhaps what this is coming down to is that the person you're seeing is not the right therapist to be helping you with this concern? And, if not, perhaps the answer here is to either find a different therapist altogether or consider seeing a second therapist specifically to deal with this concern.

I am sympathetic to your concern with regard to talking this over with your therapist. I've had some less than stellar experiences with therapists myself over the years. But at least from my perspective it is the guilt, & perhaps shame (?), over the thoughts you're having that is really the problem here. You haven't actually done anything. And you're not a pedophile. Thoughts are just thoughts. And we all have them. You know... it wasn't so many years ago that looking at young ladies in skimpy bikinis was considered entirely normal & natural for heterosexual men to the point where it was sometimes celebrated in song! It's only been the last few years that it's become something to feel guilty about.

You asked if there was a way to change your thinking & have some control over your urges. I have to say that, at least based on my own experiences, there is no way to prevent thoughts from occurring, to stop them or "stuff them back down", so to speak. The answer, to my mind, lies in learning to accept them & simply allow them to arise-&-fade at their own pace without becoming ensnared by them. There is a practice I use toward this end that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". Here's a link to a description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

And then here are links to 7 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that (hopefully) may also be of some help:

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

8 Tips For Dealing With Painful Emotions | Cultivating Contentment & Happiness

Several Ways to Sit with Your Feelings

A Technique for Feeling Painful Feelings

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-t...emotion/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-cope-with-shame/

My best wishes to you...

P.S. Here are links to 2 additional articles that discuss how to let go of obsessive thoughts & change toxic thinking patterns:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...memory-2-of-2/

Hi Karit. I think it was brave and strong of you to open up and post about your concerns. Seems like a healthy step. With regard to your attraction to "young girls" I have a question. How young do you mean? Do you mean adult women who are a lot younger than you (I don't know how old you are) or 16/17 year old girls on the beach in bikinis or infants/toddlers. I think the age is significant. While 16/17 yr olds are not emotionally mature adults (and age of consent varies by country)...physically they really don't present much differently than legally consenting 20 year olds. Whereas attraction to babies or toddlers...well that's pedophilia. You don't have to answer that Q if you don't want. Something to think about.

I understand why you'd be worried about a therapist reacting the wrong way. But I would sincerely hope that experienced psychologists with a background in pedophilia treatment (if that is what you think you need) could offer you support and coping strategies. Particularly given that, if I understood your post correctly, you have not committed any crime.

Just so you know, I'm a woman and I work in healthcare. Several of my patients have had criminal sexual histories. I've also worked with adult male patients with a history of sexual molestation. Some acted on impulses (a crime of course) and some were desperate for help to prevent acts. I knew of one man who presented himself to a local police department because he was scared about the sexual thoughts he had about minors (he had not acted on them) and was hoping to be locked up in order to prevent a crime...he felt it was increasingly difficult to ignore the attraction. The police of course did not lock him up because he had not committed a crime and referred him to psych services.

Heads up for you, I think it might be against the rules here for folks living with pedophilia to post on PC. I could be wrong. I'm new here. But I just wanted to mention because there are folks on PC who experienced childhood sexual abuse and...you can see the conflict. If I misunderstood you and you're just talking about feeling uncomfortable with being attracted to good looking young women on the beach then feel free to correct me. Of course with adolescents, and anyone else, they need to be old enough for the age of consent etc. That age seems to vary a lot by country etc. But that's a very different thing from being attracted to infants. Feeling attracted is also different from sexual predatory behaviors or coercion.

Does this help at all? I apologize in advance if I misunderstood you. I think therapy is a great idea for you. I just recommend research and screens first...check the therapist's background...have they dealt with concerns like yours etc

Peace to you

When you say underage what do you mean?
When you say searching for pictures do you mean the "barely legal" type or worse?

I am going to try and be delicate here... wondering if you are a pedophile is of great concern to me. It is of concern because your preoccupation with how they look and seeking out pictures and stuff bordered on child porn. Even if they are teenagers its still something to get help for. Do you ever feel you have urges that are getting harder and harder to control? Its important to admit you have a problem but you cant dismiss the issue simply because you admitted you have a problem.

I understand but "secrets keep us sick". If you are truly interested in getting over this issue you have to be honest and willing to work on it.Otherwise it will just fester like a wound until it becomes a struggle to not act on it.
If you are willing to be honest and willing to change I suppose you could get over this. My concern though is that you are disconnected to the criminal aspect of this. Some people rationalize these types of things because the people they are attracted to are "nearly of age" or old enough to look mature..but the fact is they are not. Stuff like this isnt a victimless crime and even if you are only viewing pictures and stuff-its kind of like participating in violating the girls in those pictures and videos. I do not mean to be harsh...

I once was watching a documentary about pedophiles and thus one man who serves I don’t know how many years in prison for inappropriate actions with under age girls (I dont recall what he did) giving an interview where he encouraged pedophiles to seek help way before things happen. He said if the moment he fell attraction to young people he seeked help (seeing a psychiatrist right away) maybe some problems could be prevented. Unfortunately pedophiles don’t seek help until it’s too late.

You must seek help right now. What you are doing now is already approaching criminal offense and exploitation of minors so you need to act now. See a psychiatrist now

[QUOTE=sarahsweets;6405455]

I think I must have missed a reference to searches/possible child pornography in the post. That's a good point. I had read the post as about thoughts and feelings which had not been acted on. In the U.S. I know that some police are trained to flag certain websites/searches etc.

But I still think it's unclear whether he's talking about being an older man who feels badly for being attracted to 18 year olds or if he's actually living with pedophilia. Maybe I missed another piece?

Also, do you other PC folks know is that type of post is against the rules on PC? I thought I read something about that when I joined....because there are survivors of abuse on PC?

Karit, maybe you could contact Doc John about your concerns? He's the psychologist who created the PC site. His advice to people seems really professional and helpful. You could send him a private message, try not to hold back, give clear details and include specific age etc of the attraction. I think he could be a great professional to guide you. The rest of us here are just offering ideas and we cannot provide professional help.

All of the world would be in jail if our thoughts could get us in trouble. Whether it be what you are talking about or something else. Since you havent done anything wrong your therapist isnt obligated to report you unless you mention a specific name or that you are looking at child porn then they have to report for various reasons. If you havent done these things your therapist has to keep what you say in therapy and she should be able to help you or point you in the direction of someone who can. I personally dont believe things like this go away. I believe either it is gentics or from childhood trauma. Havent decided which side of the fence I am on yet but I know there are coping strategies.

I agree that you should find the right therapist to be open about the issue for one reason - in my experience, undesired sexual attractions and fetishes get noticeably weaker and more controllable when you start analyzing them and when you don't keep them as a "very private secret". In this sense, our subconscious seems to be playing hide&seek with driving your behavior to some direction but giving you no clue why, and as soon as you admit the problem and start digging deeper, your subconscious doesn't feel that it's the "Big Private Dirty Secret to Feel so Excited About" anymore, and lets it go to some degree.

Also, now when you don't have any real-life relationship, still your body needs to relieve the sexual desires. They won't go away. If you could find some safe and legal way to have intimacy then it might become much easier to deal with those undesired thoughts.

You need help. That's the only way you can work this out. This post hit too close to home and maybe that's why I'm being so assertive but that is also why I'm REALLY urging you to get help before you do something you regret. However, you might have already done a criminal act if these sites you speak of show underage girls. You're holding back a lot of information here, which is very worrisome. Get help. Please.

As the others here say, it's difficult to know what to say when you're not more spesific, but I would like to mention a few Things

--Child porn refers to sexual pictures/videos with people under 18 years old, not just people under the age of consent.

--Looking at child porn is not a victimless crime - children are violated because people want to watch it.

--Be aware that young girls (and adult women too, for that matter) will often feel uncomfortable and/or scared if you look at them "the wrong way", even if you don't do anything. It's a completely normal part of very many women's every day life to be concoius of their body as a sexual object and to avoid the looks of men. Even if it may seem harmless, this has a very negative impact on many young women/girls, as they're continously objectified, or feel like they are. A peace of meat walking around. I'm 34, and I still sometimes go as far away from some men as possible on the street, and avoid eye contact with men. I do have a history of sexual abuse when I was under age, but I know many women who hasn't been sexually abused who feel the same way. I don't think this is anything new, quite the contrary. But until metoo harldy anyone talked about it, cause we would just accept it as normal part of being a woman. But it shouldn't be normal for women to be afraid of men in public spaces (or anywhere else)

--Bear in mind that even if they're over the age of consent, 16-20 year old (+/-) are NOT adult emotionally, and even a 26 year old (pick a number) will seem VERY adult to them. You need to be aware of the power dynamics here. Even if you don't feel above them, they will most probably feel beneath you. I would still feel below a man 10-15 older than myself. And girls are raised to be polite, and not hurt anyone's feelings. They might smile and giggle when they really just want to scream "get away from me", but that would make them unfeminine - or so they're taught. That can make them very vulnerable, and older people need to be aware not to exploit it.

Bottom line, be aware that things you may find harmless can still harm a young girl. But I think you're very brave to open up about this, and you deserve respect for that. I can totally understand that you're afraid of talking to your therapist about it, but you need to do something about it before you risk ruining someone's life. Maybe you can find some hotline to call for information about where to get help?

I would really recommend watcing this:

just a heads-up, when I first joined this website, I think I read somewhere in the rules (maybe sex addict guidelines) that pedophiles are not welcomed or something similar because this community focuses more on supporting victims of pedophiles. I'm not sure if you're a pedophile, but if you are, then feel free to find a community specifically for men like you. from my experience, the internet can be quite . . . strict against pedophilia. my country is very strict about pedophilia: a man can get arrested for child pornography in his private home. I'm a man of romance and don't quite understand the antagonizing of any sexuality, including pedophilia; but rules are rules. I hope you find a safe community where you feel a bit less antagonized, my friend.

You think it's ''very strict'' that a man can get arrested for child pornography in his own home?? Do you think it would be equally strict to arrest someone for raping or beating or killing someone in his own home? It would be more humane putting a bullet to someone's head than to put them though what a lot of those children are put through, and anyone who watch child pornography is complicit to it.