Shameful fantasies

This is embarrassing but I feel like I need to get it out.

On another forum, there's this guy, I liked his posts for some reason. It's hard to explain, but I always looked for his replies in each thread, took more notice of them, and felt good when he responded. But that's all it was, very mild, can't even call it obsession. But then he put a picture of himself in a thread, and he is gorgeous. So then I developed a huge crush on him and have been obsessively reading his posts, quoting him if I can. And if he quotes me me now, I feel all giggly. It's embarrassing.

Well all of that is bad enough, but I've been daydreaming about him, fantasising about him being my boyfriend, and doing some very intimate stuff. These fantasies are very intense and have some very intense effects on me. I really enjoy them at the time, but afterwards I feel really ashamed. He's obviously not my boyfriend (for all I know he may already have a partner, though he's never mentioned one), and the things I do in my fantasies and very shameful. And then when I go on to that forum, I feel embarrassed and awkward, even though he knows nothing about it.

Also I have to make a lot up, because I don't know certain things like, I don't know what his voice sounds like or how he walks, so I feel like I'm projecting my ideas of a perfect boyfriend onto him in this fantasy, which could be totally wrong.

In the book I've just finished, there was a minor character with the same name as him, and even just that was enough to set me off thinking about him. Ridiculous. I'm obsessed! I feel too old for this too, I'm in my late 30's, and I'm acting like a giggly teenage girl.

I just feel so dirty and ashamed of it. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing. and especially when I go onto the forum and see his posts, I feel worse. But I can't help doing it. There's also the fact that I am supposedly so ugly, it feels wrong to think that any guy would want to do those things with me. It should be unthinkable. Even worse, I have this fetish (I think) which involves a certain situation, and I inflict that on him, which is even more shameful.

And of course on top of all that, I'm wasting so much time on these daydreams and fantasies. But of course at the time I don't care because I'm enjoying myself too much.

Interesting post Randomer.123 Thank you for sharing your truth. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with feeling strongly attracted to someone and having sexual fantasies about them. That sounds like a natural response to a sexual attraction. Is the daydreaming actually interfering with your life? By that I mean are you doing what you need to each day? Work, chores etc. If you're still get other things done, I don't see a problem.

I think the fantasy could just be an indication of something you want in your life....a boyfriend...sex.

May I ask about your background...is there a reason why you associate sexuality as something "dirty" and "shameful?" Were you raised with notions like that?

Why are you "supposedly ugly?" Did someone call you that? When people use words like "ugly" they are simply playing out their own insecurities by trying to demean someone else. You aren't ugly! There are no ugly people. Truly. I have met so many people in my life and I have never seen an "ugly" looking person.

Is it okay to ask if you've been in a sexual relationship before? Or is that not something you consciously want in your life? Zero judgment here. Just trying to understand where you're at

Take a breath! You aren't ugly! You aren't dirty! You're attracted to someone; you're human! I just watched a commerical with Matthew McConaughey playing pool and driving a car and it made me smile

Love that post Silvertrees! Started typing, then realised you said it better than I ever could. "You aren't ugly. You're attracted to someone; you're human!"

Plus you already wise to the fact that there are boundaries between your fantasy and him as a human being. I don't have any guilt whatsoever about sexual pleasure through fantasy. Perverts can't draw a line between their fantasies and other people's right to choose/ consent, that's very different.

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, I've been getting up late or zoning out and not doing things. This morning I lay in bed for 3 hours fantasising about him, and I had things to do. And now a problem has come up which I could have dealt with better if I'd got up earlier. I get most things done but something have to wait until the next day.

Possibly, though I don't daydream about random guys. It's just that I find this guy very attractive.

I think it's because I don't really know him (he could be married for all I know!), he's a stranger on the internet. What would he think if he knew a random woman on online was thinking about him in such dirty ways? And when I am so ugly, it's unthinkable that anyone would want to do any of those things with me. (I've never posted a picture of myself online ever, so he doesn't know what I look like).

I was told I'm ugly all the way through school, and then sometimes afterwards. I've been rejected by every boy/man I've had a crush on (offline) and told I'm ugly and that I look like a boy/man. When I look in the mirror I realise they are right. My face is square with a very square jaw (like a man) and I have saggy skin.

No (been rejected every time, never been asked out apart from as a joke at school). I used to want to be in a relationship before, but now I have just given up because it's impossible.

I have heard of people having sexual fantasies about someone at work, and then being ashamed and embarrassed, especially when they go into work and have to see this person. It might be like that. I don't know if it makes a difference that this guy is online.

I don't think you're having shameful fantasies technically because shame and guilt are two different things. Shame is thrown upon a person by a third party whether it be a some bully or a town. Guilt is something that one feels because of their conscience. I don't think you have crossed any lines with this person.

I work with a female and catch myself looking her way all the time. She's married though, so I dare not making one friggin move on her, that would be crossing a line and then other people might shame me, and then my conscience would make me ffeel guit.

I think it's because of the "intensity" of these daydreams.

I have tried to see it the same way and fantasising about celebrities. But it just doesn't feel the same to me, maybe it's stupid, I feel that celebrities know people are going to fancy them and have all sorts of fantasies about them. It's probably considered normal. But not a random guy on the internet. I'm not sure what the difference is, and maybe there is none. I just can't seem to make myself accept this.

Also I sometimes feel like I'm stalking him because now when I go to that forum, I'm actually looking for his replies in each thread, and paying more attention to them. I feel stupid but I can't help it

The daydreams/fantasies feel so real. I've never had such real feeling daydreams about men/boys before. And in them, he's my boyfriend, sometimes we go out and I have some imaginary friends I talk to about him. It's very deep and detailed.

I don't think you've doing anything wrong Randomer but these fantasies clearly bother you a great deal. Have you considered talking to a therapist about your concerns?

I haven't, though it hasn't been bothering me so much the last few days. I've been trying to see this as the same as other girls fantasising about celebrity guys. Really it is the same, and I'm not bothering him (or anyone else). I just have to get over that awkward feeling when I go to that forum and remember the fantasies I've had about him. Maybe I should just stop being so "strict" with myself and loosen up. Something like that.

I am glad that you've had a few more peaceful days Randomer123! Correct, you are not bothering him. Thoughts are just thoughts. You aren't violating his boundaries or anything. Can you imagine if there was such a thing as Thought Police?? That would be awful. We'd all wind up in prison! Be kind and understanding toward yourself.

LOL! Yes you're right.

Well I had a very intense/dirty fantasy daydream about him this morning, really enjoyed it, but afterwards I didn't feel any shame! Must have been the first time, it felt good and I just got up, got ready and got on with things and didn't think about how "wrong" it was.

Thanks for your help.

That is WONDERFUL news Radnomer123! I wonder if you were losing a lot of time on your fantasies before because you were mentally wrestling with yourself over the shame etc? Now that you are finding a new acceptance for yourself and your thoughts, you were able to feel the pleasure and move on without rumination. What a relief!!!

Ps. What about not labeling your fantasy as "dirty?" You could just call it a really intense one or a fun one! For me anyway, the word 'dirty' would trigger some negative feelings. Though if you don't feel that way, fair play to you!

I think I meant dirty in a good way. And yes I was probably making it take up more time by beating myself up about it and trying to make myself stop doing it etc. Now I enjoy "meeting" with him in my daydreams, allowing it to happen and then get on with whatever else. It does seem to take up less time now, and I feel better in general.