Confused by this obession

For the past couple years I have been really confused about my sexuality and I think it has alot to do with my self esteem and confidence.

I do not find men attractive, nor do I want to date men, and I do not desire to have any type of sexual relations with another male. (though a drunk experience did happen once; see past post)

However lately I have been finding myself watching videos of other men masturbating. It just happened one day out of curiosity, however I noticed that alot of the male performers have *ahem* large penises. The fact that they are so large and these men are built like GREEK GODS is just visually stimulating. I wish to look like them, have that type of penis, have someone envy me like that.


I am very insecure about my own because I do not feel it measures up and I wish I had a large member. I do tons of research on enlargement methods, supplements, etc.

Also I have anxiety when it comes to women. I have dated women in the past and have had sexual relations with them also. But I am afraid that when I have intimate moments with women they will shame me for my penis size. It doesn't help that I am a black male and we are kind of expected to have a "mandingo" in the pants. I still find women very attractive and I am currently actively dating right now (though we haven't had sex because she's religious and saving herself for marriage)


With all this being said, I just feel so confused about my sexuality now because when I see other men in the street I dont get aroused when speaking to them or hanging out and stuff, however if I see a large bulge, or "print", etc its almost exciting .. my mind just goes into shaming mode but its almost like a "aha I told you so, he's so much manlier than you, with a larger penis and gets more women than you, etc, etc". I tell myself that these guys are better men than me. I dont want to approach them for any sexual acts however I feel repulsed by that. It just a penis attraction that I'm starting to develop and it feels almost OCD. Its bothering me.

Does anyone else feel this way or deal with some type of issue closely related? If so what advice or input do you have?

It may be less of a sexual obession that some type of "penis envy." So I read it more as a masculinity issue. Not sure how to advise or help, but I can say that I get it, to some degree. For me, though, it becomes an issue of measuring up in the face of sex with me, as I am a gay man. But I think that all men can share in masculinity issues, to some degree, based on their own situations, lives, and desires.

It sucks because I really hate feeling like this. I feel worthless as a man just because I don't have a ripped body, large penis, and stunning good looks. I feel so insecure about every aspect of my being. I can agree with the masculinity issue because sometimes I feel I am not "manly" enough. Also, the "penis envy" can be quite paralyzing for me. I mean, like I stated before, I am not dealing with a micro penis issue, however I just feel I do not measure up to the "black standards" of penis size.


Lately however I have been catching myself when in these thought patterns and breaking out of it by shifting my thoughts to other maybe "positive" things about myself. It works sometimes. Also have been abstaining from watching any type of porn for the last few weeks just to break that habit. Will see how that goes.