Sexual relationship with wife is near nonexistent

Dear forums,
I have been married to my wife for 6 months and we have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. She was very passionate physically for the first three months and we seemed very compatible sexually and from a general physical affection standpoint (plenty of hugs, kissing, holding hands, etc.). Then the drought started. We are lucky to have sex once every two months since that point. She declines ANY advances i make. She looks at me like i am a pervert any time i try to touch her intimate parts and pulls away. Any time i even try to hold her for a passionate kiss she pulls away quickly. It's not just the lack of sex that is bothering me-it's the lack of anything resembling the physical romance we have had before. Not even the occasional brief makeout session. I have expressed to her very clearly verbally and even in writing what my desires are sexually and physically including details like preferred frequency. I frequently give her physical affection with no attempts at sexual contact (I don't want her to feel like an object). I do my darnedest to tell her often that she is beautiful, that i appreciate her for all her hard work with the kids, chores, and all that. Within our work/school/parenting/financial limitations, i try to do romantic things for her like flowers, poems, notes, and date nights. In the few conversations that i have tried talking to her about how unhappy i am with this aspect of our relationship and now our marriage, she tells me that she is attracted to me and finds me sexually attractive. She thinks there is nothing wrong with our sexual relationship but yet gets flustered and quiet anytime i bring up sex or our lack of romantic physical interaction. I even suggested we see a sex therapist and she quickly refused, saying she doesnt feel comfortable discussing our lack of sex life with a stranger and retiterates that we are fine on that front. On the very rare occasions we do have sex, it almost seems like a lark and it is always initiated by her now. No real romance involved, she just suddenly asks me to have sex. I don't think it is a satisfaction issue. When we do have sex, she typically has multiple orgasms (due to medications and anxiety, i often do not climax, but i have explained that does not matter to me). At this point, i really am at wit's end. I have tried to explore the topic as candidly as i can with as much sensitivity to her needs as i can. We are only in our 30s. While i do admittedly have a large sexual appetite (that began when i met her) and would love to have sex multiple times a week with her, i can tolerate much less. My wife is so incredibly beautiful and sexy to me. I love being married to her and every other part of our relationship is great. But i can't pretend that this isn't hurting me a lot. I feel so unwanted and unattractive, not mention the feeling of constant sexual frustration is very draining. I really just don't know what to do anymore.
Any advice at all?

Thanks,
Frustrated but very much in love

I wish I had an answer for you. It seems like you have tried every way you can to talk about it or initiate it. Has she ever been a victim of abuse or assault? Many times that "freezing" up can be a way for women to feel safe. Like controlling our sexual lives means no one will hurt us. Its just a thought. More importantly- Is is a deal breaker? You have only been married 6 months and together for two years. What if she never changes- can you live with that?

Hello DoomRaven0. Sorry to hear that you and your wife are in this confusing situation. While I think your wife is struggling with an issue related to sex (even if she says there's no problem) I don't think it's reasonable for her to dismiss your concerns and say there's no problem. There is a problem. You are sexually frustrated and feeling increasingly physically alienated from your wife. She needs to truly listen to your concerns and at least start an open dialogue...even if it's a slow and careful dialogue which evolves over time.

I wonder if she has experienced sexual harassment or rape in her past....either in childhood or adulthood. That could explain why she denies that there's a problem and is not willing to discuss. If the problem is related to PTSD and fear of sex due to a prior trauma, perhaps she copes with that history by denying it in her own mind?

What about trying a different direction? Perhaps you could ask her about her general feelings about her body, sex, orgasms unrelated to you or your relationship etc. Ask if she ever saw a sex scene in a film she enjoyed or read an erotic novel. Try to keep the talk open. If she shuts down even a general chat about sexuality, perhaps you need to be more direct. Something like: "I am starting to wonder if someone hurt you in the past. If that happened, I cannot know how you feel but I imagine it was really frightening and would be painful to talk about. Our pasts have a way of affecting our present. I feel that there is a barrier between us. I love you. I want us to feel connected and close. Please trust me and help me to understand what that barrier is. Did someone hurt you love? Is it scary for you when I want to have sex? I will listen to anything you have to say. "

Ultimately, the current situation is untenable. It's one thing if two people marry with an agreement that neither one wants sex but it's not okay for one partner to dictate the sexual terms and expect the other to go along with it. If, after trying dialogue as above, you get nowhere with the conversation, you may need to point out to your wife that she did not tell you prior to marriage that it would be mostly sexless. Point out how unreasonable that is. It's no different than someone suddenly saying they don't want children when prior to marriage the plan of both parties was to have children. Or a partner saying after marriage that they are unwilling to contribute to the running of the house. It may not sound very romantic but marriage is a transaction of sorts....one which both parties agree to in advance. Your wife has changed the terms of your marriage; she needs to respectfully address that with you.

I hope you two can find a new understanding. Peace and hope to you.

Both of you mentioned previous sexual trauma and this is something that my wife has experienced in the past. Previous lovers treated her like sex was her "duty" to them and although she hadn't realized it before, i know from my nursing training that what she experienced from these men was rape, even though it was during a committed relationship. This is why i have always been loath to push the matter too much with her because i don't want her to feel like she "owes" me sex. I have tried everything i can to let her know how important sex is to me because it makes me feel feel connected with her in a way that nothing else can, not because i just need to get my rocks off. However, as much as i am very empathetic to her past treatment (nothing in this world makes me angry like violence against women), she has mentioned many times how different and safe she feels with me, and, as i mentioned, she was enjoying sex and other shows of physical affection very much for a long period. Now it feels like an off switch was hit and she has no interest in turning it back on. To answer Sarah's question, no, i cannot stand the the thought of having this sexless existence with her forever, even though she is my one. I had a previous relationship that went on for over a decade with sex maybe once a year at most and, although i loved her, it slowly just ate away at me until i hated myself. Of course sex is not everything in a great marriage, but it hurts me that it is not important enough to her to even try to work on it. All the while, i am afraid to push the matter too far and make her resent me for it. I have not been unfaithful to her or ever even considered it, nor would i ever. She is my lone fantasy, i don't talk about other women around her or do anything to make her doubt she is my only love. She has completely emasculated me through all of this. I want to be able to make romantic sexual gestures too and turn her on, not only things like flowers and such. I have actually given up expecting that we will ever have a healthy sex life. I restarted an antidepressant i was on before, even though i am not depressed, because it lowers my libido and i figure maybe that way, i can endure the pain of knowing my wife doesn't desire me. I really appreciate both of your feedback and ideas. Thank you for yourthoughtful words.

Oh Doomraven,

I read your last post with a heavy heart. I am so very sorry that you are suffering. I have more that I would like to say with regard to your situation but I want to check if it's okay? Which type of support are you seeking here? Do you prefer that we just listen or do you want ideas? Your last post sounded like you are resigned to this situation. May I comment further or would you rather just have a safe hug??

Just so you know, I used to be in a sexless marriage. It was excruciating. Not our only problem but he cut me off from sex entirely. Basically replaced me with porn. It was so hurtful and frustrating particularly because I never had an affair. For a long time i felt ugly and unwanted. My friends were not supportive because some people just don't seem to value sex in a marriage but it was really important to me.

You have my empathy.

Advice is always appreciated, friends! I have talked with counselors and friends in the past and it has been helpful which is why i came here.
A few things to mention...i am so sorry to hear that you were replaced with a porn addiction, that is absolutely terrible! Luckily, i was raised by a father who had an aversion to porn which i inherited. It doesn't do me any good anyway, as my wife is literally the only woman i fantasize about. That being said, i have known friends and families destroyed by pornography, so it bothers me that much of modern society views it as normal and/or benign. Speaking for some men, i think that they have a difficult time with the effort, commitment, and emotional connection that sex includes in a good relationship. So much like modern society's internet obsession, men enjoy the instant gratification that comes with porn as they get what they THINK they need (orgasm, physical satisfaction) and avoid the strength needed to be vulnerable with their wife. It makes me so sad that this essentially boils down to spousal abuse but the problem is ignored.

Being cut off from sex is excruciating, absolutely. Especially since, as i mentioned, i have always viewed sex not as a mere act but as a means of connecting closely with the woman in my life. I know that a very real part of the struggle right now is that my wife has gained a decent amount of weight since we have been together and she flat out tells me she hates how she looks and does not feel sexy. This hasn't changed how much she turns me on at all. I still love her body as is and i remind her how beautiful and sexy she is all the time, most of which she scoffs at and tells me i am crazy. I have provided gentle encouragement to start working out together, reminding her it is not for me, but so she can feel better about herself AND it gives us a goal to work on together. I don't know if this will lead to her libido increasing but i am hopeful.
I hope you have realized that your friends were plain wrong if they were telling you you shouldn't place so much value on sex. Everything from the Bible to modern science and psychology will talk about how sex is an essential component of any healthy marriage. Sex has taken on this dirty connotation that lingers in society's subconscience because of factors like porn. Your husband was wrong to treat you and your sexual relationship like it was an obligation. If i may be so bold, he was foolish to not want to connect with someone like you who is willing to provide kind advice to strangers putting something good out in the world. Sadly, modern men seem to think the way he did more and more, not realizing or caring, as with you, how much emotional damage this causes to women. You do not deserve to be treated how he treated you. *hugs*

Thank you very much for the thoughtful reply Doomraven. You sound like a wonderful and committed husband so I really hope you and your wife can figure things out even if it takes quite some time.

I respectfully encourage you to re-think taking the anti-depressant. I understand your rationale but I don't think that's healthy for you. In terms of health and wellness for anyone, I think of Mind, Body, and Spirit. Taking an anti-depressant, even though you're not depressed, is likely not good for your body and brain. Those are serious medications which affect your brain chemistry as well as other body systems. If you feel that your natural brain chemistry is currently quite healthy, I worry that the drugs could disrupt that. With regard to Spirit (I don't necessarily mean that in a religious sense though that's what it means for some folks) I perceive you trying to medicate away or reduce your healthy libido as something which will squash your Spirit in a way. As you astutely pointed out, sex isn't just a mechanical act...it can be a beautiful and profound way to connect with someone you love.

I don't think the problems in your marriage are all about sex. I think there are some other things going on there too. You mentioned your wife's low self-esteem/body image struggles. It is going to be hard for her to feel free and to truly connect with you when she is feeling somewhat disconnected from herself. She needs to take ownership of her problems and the fact that they also affect you and the marriage. For her to simply deny the problems or shut down any dialogue is actually disrespectful to you.

So what to do? You already pointed out that you can't pressure your wife for sex. I agree of course. But I think perhaps you do want to emphasize the need for you both to participate in marriage therapy. You can address it without even mentioning sex...just say that you feel disconnected from her....you feel that she is unhappy and that makes you unhappy too and puts a lot of pressure on the marriage...so you'd like to try getting help with communication strategies from an experienced therapist.

I believe that a partner has a right to say that therapy is necessary when there is a significant disconnect in the marriage. That could of course be presented in a loving way...but I think it needs to be presented as essential at this point. If I remember right, you're both young and haven't been married long, yes? Whatever you accept now in your marriage is likely to be something you will be expected to accept your whole life unless there is some appropriate intervention now. Another way to think about it....is this how all problems in the marriage will be addressed (there will be more of course down the road....marriage is work)? She makes unilateral decisions and you are expected to go along with it without complaint? I think it's helpful to look at the big picture there.

It is wonderful that you love your wife so much and you respect her. I just think she needs to be more willing to meet you in the middle...by that I don't mean that she's suddenly able to have sex more often...but that she is willing to say "Yes love, your feelings and concerns matter. Let's find a therapist who we both feel comfortable talking to...let's figure this out together."

I wonder if your wife knows that you are taking a med you don't need in order to decrease your libido? Honestly, Doomraven, if i found out that my partner did that I would feel terrible and I'd know that we had a lot to talk about and work on.

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Originally Posted by SilverTrees I don't think the problems in your marriage are all about sex. I think there are some other things going on there too. You mentioned your wife's low self-esteem/body image struggles. It is going to be hard for her to feel free and to truly connect with you when she is feeling somewhat disconnected from herself. She needs to take ownership of her problems and the fact that they also affect you and the marriage. For her to simply deny the problems or shut down any dialogue is actually disrespectful to you.

This is such a true statement and beautifully put. I think its worth considering.

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I believe that a partner has a right to say that therapy is necessary when there is a significant disconnect in the marriage. That could of course be presented in a loving way...but I think it needs to be presented as essential at this point. If I remember right, you're both young and haven't been married long, yes? Whatever you accept now in your marriage is likely to be something you will be expected to accept your whole life unless there is some appropriate intervention now. Another way to think about it....is this how all problems in the marriage will be addressed (there will be more of course down the road....marriage is work)? She makes unilateral decisions and you are expected to go along with it without complaint? I think it's helpful to look at the big picture there.

This is especially good. A marriage just won't work if only one partner is fulfilled. Barring physical limitations and all that- if one partner needs help communicating their needs and help fulfilling their partners' needs then i think lovingly but persistently insisting on giving it a try is very important. It is not selfish of you and you know its not only about sex. Sex IMO is a manifestation on love and a physical way to demonstrate it and I believe it is very important.

Perhaps your wife has some emotional pain that is causing her to disconnect from herself, and thus be unable to connect to your love for her. That could cause some desperate pushing away, and disconnected occasional sexual encounters. Deep emotional pain.

I agree with others that your wife needs to own that she has a problem, but you may need to learn about the depth of lived emotional experience also . It is hard to build bridges across deep experiences of pain, no matter what the reason for them. It's a hard learning .

It does sound like your wife has tried to communicate with you about how she feels about her weight gain, and that it's not an answer for you to tell her that you feel ok about that. She has "lost control" of her body weight. Searching for a kind supportive way through this, I wonder if there is anyone she can trust to support how she feels right now? A friend? A family member? You also deserve support.

These are just my intuitive reactions from my own lived experience. Bridging into relationships when suffering inner pain is difficult/ impossible - and however loving/ particularly loving those relationships are can appear like a pressure.

I do think you can find a way through this - IF you both have a commitment and compassion. Not to deny your sexual feelings, but also to be open to learning about each other's emotional reality.

Good luck!

I know she has a lot of emotional pain in her past, as we have worked through a lot of it together. I am sure there might still be some there but she tells me all the time how happy she is being married to me and there isn't anything she would change. She hasn't lied to me in the past so it is weird she would now. I just wish she wanted me. It is nice to be wanted. To know that i turn her on. For way too long it has felt like we are just slightly romantic family. I miss making out and all that. We do love each other but i want more passion. Do other married guys have to fight and work this hard to be able to have the sex and physical affection they desire? I know it normal for there to not be as much going on as the beginning of the relationship but this is just so far removed from that. If it was emotional trauma, i would have expected something like that to happen far earlier and for there to be some sign from her that's what the problem is. Instead, she is very level headed than ever. I guess i should just accept that she is not into me that way anymore.

Completely understandable, Doomraven. I don't think your wife is being entirely honest with herself or with you. If her prior trauma is disrupting the marital relationship, it must be addressed one way or another. I live with PTSD and depression. It is not my partner's responsibility to manage those problems; it is my responsibility. I'm not a dependent child looking to parents for mental health guidance...therefore I need to take ownership of my problems to ensure that my prior history isn't hurting my partner's (or my) present relationship. I can ask for a hug or listening or even advice on occasion but prior to partnering with him, I had to participate in extensive therapy and now I continually self-monitor.

It never ceases to amaze me how many wives think it's okay to end their husbands' sex lives while expecting them to remain faithful. So, he can't have sex with his wife for the rest of his life and he can't have sex with another woman....so what is he supposed to do? If women want a sexless marriage, they need to mention that prior to the engagement so that their male partner can decide whether he's okay with that or not. Sex is a basic biological adult need. If someone does not view it that way (for any reason) he/she needs to date and partner with people who are equally asexual. To expect a sexual person to remain in a relationship with an asexual person (who accidentally never mentioned that prior to the wedding) is like marrying someone who wants children and then a year later saying: "Actually, I've never really wanted children. You're okay with that, right?"

I feel like this hit the nail on the head. Even if she makes me happy, plain and simple i, well, we both [have needs that are not being met and it is not sustainable for me long term. I really don't think it is for her either but she seems to be deluding herself that it is ok. And how am i supposed to feel about that decision on her part? Am i supposed to be ecstatic in our marriage when one whole, very important facet of it has been left in the dumpster? I really have been trying to be as selfless as possible since the relationship began, so she knows this is a partnership and feels supported. It does feel completely one-sided now though and i don't think i should feel like a selfish person because i want to have sex and physical affection from her. It is most definitely not something we agreed upon, or indeed, that it seemed like would be such a long term issue. I figured it was a phase but now i feel like a dope for being stuck in a sexless, passionless marriage yet again, especially when it seemed like that was one aspect that was going so well before. I guess i am just doomed to be physically frustrated in marriage.

You really don't think she'd join you in marriage therapy...in order to keep you in her life?

I would encourage you not to think of yourself as "doomed." I think part of the problem could be that you are willing to resign yourself to the situation. Your wife knows that so she's continuing on in a way that suits her while ignoring your wishes. I wonder what she'd say if you told her that marriage therapy is essential at this point because you are not willing to live the rest of your days in a sexless, passionless marriage? Perhaps she needs a very direct reality check?

Or something like "I don't feel loved by you when you make a major unilateral decision and then expect me to just go along with it. Why doesn't my opinion count? I feel increasingly lonely and disconnected from you. This is not okay. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership."

So I’m in a similar situation as you. My fiancée was abused by previous boyfriends and it effected our sex life. Now not nearly as bad as you. I say we have sex once or twice a month. But I’m only 26 and she’s 25 so one would think our sex life would be much better.

I believe that I’m destined to be in the same situation as you if I don’t confront it now. I’ve too had repeatedly brought my concerns up to my girl. For a short time they get better, but eventually she reverts back. This where I believe repetition is key.

It could be this has become a habit for your wife or a unconscious response to pull away when you try and initiate intimacy. What I’m getting at is that both of you need to remain conscious of your wife’s habit and to correct it.

But of course the first step is for her to admit she has a problem.

I honestly can’t imagine being in a sexless marriage. It makes me sad that so many men and women have resigned themselves to it as well.

Also get off the libido killing anti depressants. I’ve done that too and it’s not worth it. I know having a high sex drive is difficult to manage when your partners sex drive is non existent. But it’s not right to kill your own libido.

I appreciate the advice that you and others have provided to stop taking the anti depressant so that my sex drive is less. The more i thought about it, the more i realized that this would only be a bandaid anyway, not an actual solution.

It pains me to hear you are in a similar situation. I get that there is a lot of emotion and vulnerability tied into sex and that that can make someone who has experienced abuse in the past especially have difficulty with opening up that way with any significant other. It sounds like you, like me, are very sensitive to this and we are not trying to force anything on our women. I am not sure if your fiancee has experienced something similar, but my wife had an ex who required her to have sex with him weekly, even though she was not a willing participant. Things like that, i am sure leave an indelible mark that is not easily gotten over. However, shouldn't they be then even more cognizant of that scar and seek professional help to avoid it affecting their newer, healthy, and loving relationship? That is why i have reached the point of exasperation with my wife. I can say i love her, and i can show her i do through my actions like doing housework, taking kids to appointments, etc. but the problem is that there is zero satisfaction in all of that for me. I want to experience love in the most intimate way with my wife, let her know that she is sexy and connected to me, and that i love and feel safe being vulnerable with her and i can't. And i have no idea where this wall came from or if it's ever going away. I don't know if you're experiencing the same thing, but with my wife, it wasn't just the amount of sex we were having before that i miss, it was that it was woven into all the other parts of our life too, in a very fun, playful way. She would come home from work and pinch my behind while i was cooking or give me a long, passionate kiss and then start giggling if one of the kids walked in. There has not been any of that in over a year and it is so hurtful because that was one of the things with her that was so different and unique from all my past romances. I can't make her care though. I can't make her try to figure out why it is not important to her.

My hope is that your fiancee will open up to you and at least try to explore this with you. Maybe in talking about it, she will be able to see what the roadblock is and will trust you and work toward a more intimate physical life all the more for you wanting to help her. As far as carrying forward with the marriage if she isn't going to change...well, that is not something i can answer or give advice on. I loved my wife and so much was working in the relationship that i thought with very clear rose-tinted glasses on, that in marriage she would feel even more amorous. I should have known better, and that is why i stated that now i feel doomed. I am not going to end my sacred marriage or my vows to her over this but she has shown no sign that things are going to change or that she even cares that she is hurting me or that i am so unsatisfied. Lots of men and women are staying committed in passionless marriages so i guess i can manage. Only you can decide if you are willing to do the same. I wish you all the luck, sincerely.
You should absolutely confront the situation now, try to do so as lovingly as possible and clearly delineate to her why it is so important to you and the health of your partnership. If she hears how much it means to you and is willing to get help or work through it just with you, then great. Hopefully, you don't get the same response i did. There are few things that hurt more than pouring your heart out to the love of your life and then just getting an "Eh, it's not important to me so we aren't going to work on it". I pray you get a more warm response.

All I can say is do not resign yourself to be in a relationship that is void of intimacy. If she truly loves you than she would fight for you.

Honestly it seems like that your wife thinks that once you’re under contract that you are hers indefinitely. When obviously that isn’t the case.

It could be that she needs a rude awakening to the reality of a relationship. That being a relationship takes constant work. Work that needs to be shared equally and in every.

This rude awakening may take form in the promise to leave or a temporary separation. But I do think it’ll take something drastic if there is any hope in opening her eyes.

Things came to a head in recent days when i broached this topic of physical intimacy again. Fortunately, it is something she said she does not feel right about anymore and is very interested in working on it. Apparently, her issues of poor body image have had a larger hand in holding her back than i thought. We still have to work through it all before we get to a 'normal' place, but knowing she is open to it makes the entire issue seem welcoming. Indeed, although the conversation to get here was not pleasant, it has made our relationship feel warmer and closer this last week. I hope that you are able to come to a similar point in your difficult relationship.

This is wonderful news Doomraven! Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I think our most valuable conversations in life are the least pleasant. I admire your courage and resilience. Peace and hope to you and your beloved!

A danger that I see here is conceptualizing the situation as her having a problem and you being fine.

My suggestion is to be open to the possibility that there is room for significant growth in both of you.

Funny thing is we came to have another discussion about each other’s qualms with the other in the relationship.

Was a really good talk and has given me something to work on.