Discussing kinks with friend

Hey all. I have a bit of a predicament.

I've always had issues with my kinks because I know for a fact that it stems from my childhood sexual abuse. I have a lot of internalized stigma about it. I'm trying to confront it by writing about it, and this is the first time I've ever posted it on here. I've only ever brought it up in therapy once because I was too ashamed to bring it up again. I might make a separate post about that but I have a bit of an interesting predicament.

I have a friend who has fetishes. I've known her since we were teenagers so we're very open with each other. However, I told her that I feel uncomfortable talking about my kinks due to what I mentioned earlier (this was a long time ago and that was the last time I brought it up) but she talks about her fetishes all of the time. That also makes me feel uncomfortable but she's a good friend and I listen to her. Se doesn't have many people to turn to besides her friends, who are also into similar fetishes, her boyfriend and therapist so I listen and she also listens to me about my issues, too. Just to be clear, the issues I talk to her about are not kink related.

We're going somewhere together and she's going to dress in a way that will satisfy her fetish. No one will know but it will still make me feel uncomfortable because I will know and, a while back, she got aroused when I did something totally out of the blue that I had no idea would arouse her and I'm afraid it will happen again. I expressed my feelings and she felt bad. However, she thought about it and discussed it with her friends and said that it's just an outfit and she really wants to wear it. So I said okay. I understand that sometimes you have to push your discomfort to the side to make others happy, and this is one instance where I have to do that.

I spoke to my best friend about this issue so I can get another point of view and it seems like no one is understanding where I am coming from. It's my fault because I'm not talking about how the discomfort is linked to my past but it's so hard to bring that up. So I'm beginning to feel guilty for just thinking about myself.

I think a big issue here is my internalized stigma and that's something I have to work on. I have a therapist but it's so hard to bring that up in therapy. I wish there was a support group or something. I'll see if there are any. I know I'm most likely projecting my issues into this situation and I feel so selfish for doing that. My friend has a right to wear whatever she wants, I know that. I will just feel so uncomfortable knowing why she is wearing what she is wearing.

Anyone has any advice for me on how to handle my feelings when we are out together? I want to be there for her because I know she will be really anxious but I also want to make sure I'm alright, too. I know that sounds selfish but I also have to look out for my own emotions.

Thank you all for reading.

I don’t think it’s selfish to lookout for your own mental well-being. I feel like if you come forth about your past trauma with her she would be more understanding.

Thanks a lot for understanding. I really appreciate it. The thing is that she knows I don't like discussing my own kinks because of my trauma but she thinks it's only related to my own kinks, not everyone else's. I might have to tell her that's just how I feel in general. I want to be there for her as a friend, but this event made me realize that discussing her kinks is a bit too much for me. In return, I won't talk too much about my other issues as I feel it's only fair to balance things out. Thank you for responding without judgment.

Thanks a lot for understanding. I appreciate it. The thing is that she actually DOES know about my past trauma. It's my fault because I said she can come to me to talk about it since she said she has no one to talk to. But she has her friends and significant other and therapist. I should have set boundaries early on.

UPDATE

So my friend showed me her outfit and...Well, it genuinely looks like a fetish outfit. She said it would be discrete but it's not. It's a full body spandex suit and it covers her entire face. Mouth, nose, ears, eyes, everything. She said she can breathe but has trouble seeing in it. I can't leave her by herself if she has trouble seeing. She would need help navigating the event and stuff like that. The whole thing has me anxious.

Again, I know I'm being selfish and only thinking about myself. This is very important for her but I feel like a fetish play party would have been the best place to wear this outfit. Not an open event.