recovered sex addict dealing with sexual issues

when i was a kid, i watched porn. In high school. I was the kid that you wouldn't want to sit or stand next to, in a crowded train. One time when I was with my sister, I wrote some stuff to my sister's roommate, where my sister then evicted me from the house. I spent about 2 months being homeless. I spent my last teenage year in a psych ward.


So my sexuality has been an issue. I continued watching porn though, and kept privately communicating with women where I'd get blocked by them. At some points I felt like committing suicide. So I stopped watching porn and overcame my porn addiction. Proudest accomplishment. Some people don't believe me when I say I quit porn. I don't blame them as I didn't believe I could stop myself. But I did, many years ago.

I've also stopped privately messaging women, and redirected my efforts towards publicly communicating with them. this second accomplishment made sexting near impossible, as the public could investigate and comment on my communications.

I still struggle with small sexual issues, now and then; and I guess I'll disclose them here, from time to time. But I'm happy that I've overcome my sex addiction.

today, I was watching some video gameplay of "Pheonix Wright: Ace Attorney" with some commentator who was making sexual jokes about the female depictions of women in that video game. I agree that the depictions were quite unreal.

But I got excited and decided to watch some youtube videos of women nursing. I came across some beautiful lady and I wanted to comment on her video.

but then I remembered being on Instagram and being blocked by multiple women for commenting on their photos. So I refrained. being blocked by multiple women is a bad social experience and adversely affects my mental and social health, especially because I don't have much positive social experiences to counter those bad ones.

It's quite upsetting to be blocked by women after publicly commenting on their photos. It's very near discriminant and could be of prejudice. But I'm not any better for targeting women. then again, I feel my society supports the idea of romantic communication, even through the government's identification of married couples and domestic partners. I think the government even provides marriage and domestic partner benefits. But society's support of that discrimination doesn't allow mine. I should know better.

Regardless, publicly communicating with women on Instagram is not a healthy way for me to express myself, since they keep blocking me for no reason. Instead, maybe I can learn some Italian and recite Italian poetry in public. Learning Italian is going to cost though, at least with time.

And why should I waste resources with these endeavors? Shouldn't I focus more on securing work? Maybe I should secure some work first, and then focus on these other trivial matters.

But I write, and I always have feelings to express myself to women when I write. That feeling probably won't go away. My writing might have an effect on my sexuality. So maybe this entire sexual struggle is my own doing, and can be resolved if I stop writing.

But even when I wasn't writing for an entire month, I still had a feeling to express myself to women. I was still targeting women with my communication. I feel society has an influence on my sexual feelings with common sexual jokes, loud romantic radio songs, couples having loud sex upstairs, and etc. I can't control or police society, but then society has an influence on me. That's not fair.

And I can not avoid society either. So if society can force its influence onto me, then it's only fair that I counter that influence. Since society forcefully influences me, I should have the right to influence society. And poetic endeavors allow me to do this.

I was thinking that I can probably look at ladies that look cool. Looking at ladies can be a form of communication. And it's not really a legal offense to look at people.

But it could still get me in deep trouble. Like a lady can accuse me of a sex crime or something, and my staring at her can be used against me. Combine that with my background and race, I can get convicted or whatnot. So I usually only communicate with women online. I might start reciting Italian romance poetry in public too: barely anyone knows Italian here. heh.

I've been having an interest in my tenant. But above many reasons, I avoid pursuing the interest mainly because I'm the landlord's son. women usually aren't sexually interested in me. If she returned my interest, it'd probably only be because I'm the landlord's son.

That's not cool for me. She wouldn't like me for who I am, but rather for what I can inherit. Any relationship, not founded on natural love or attraction, isn't safe for me and can societially or legally endanger me more than other types of natural romantic relationships.

Honestly, the only reason why I've gotten more interested is because I hear some people, probably her, having sex upstairs, some nights. It's not fair because there's little I can do to block the noise. If I were the landord though, I'd evict her for the noise pollution.

I masturbated today, with thoughts of that female tenant though. honestly not my fault: she had noisy sex upstairs and I can't unhear that. Even the other day, she wanted me to give my mom her money. So I had to stand there while she counted her money in my hand.

Being sexually harassed is bad, but being forced to socialize with the harasser is worse. It's not easy to forget sexual harassment when I have to communicate with the harasser as a tenant. If I complain about the noise pollution, mom might call me gay again. If I were the landlord, I'd evict her for noise pollution. I'm happy that prostitution is illegal where I live, else noise pollution would probably be worse.

I would say that if prostitution were legal in New York, you would have a much easier time because there would be an outlet for you. Where are you from? Do you here write just to express yourself unilaterally or do you ideally want a dialogue with others? What was the point of overcoming what you call your porn addiction - were you not having a life outside porn? Your writing is odd at times - thinking that the female tenant is thinking of the money you will inherit as the son of the land owner is very odd, considering the current life expectancy in New York. When you do aren't thinking of sex, what are you thinking of? Are you in treatment with a psychiatrist and/or therapist?