Transgenderism

I am knee deep in my gender and sexual identity issues. I have no idea who I am anymore. I feel sick ; I don't know if I'm just influenced or actually transgender. I have been a crossdresser since childhood ; I haven't wanted to identify as transgender due to the bias and ignorance against transgender people. I live my life wishing I was the opposite gender. Sometimes I feel fine with my biological sex, other times I feel terrible. I don't want to seek out a therapist because I do not have the money to go to one. I don't know if this is the next best thing or even close, posting on here, but I can only try. Does anyone have any words of wisdom or help to offer?

Well... you didn't mention what your assigned gender at birth was. However, since you mentioned crossdressing, I'll presume perhaps you're biologically male since, at least to my mind, crossdressing tends to be more associated with biological males than it is biological females. (For some reason, females seem to be able to wear male clothes & it doesn't generally seem to be considered to be crossdressing. At least that's the impression I have.) However, should you be biologically female, hopefully my comments may still apply.

I'm an older person, biologically male, who has struggled with my gender identity all my life. I don't have a lot of memories of my life prior to around 8 years old. But most of the few I have revolve around this. I never did anything about it. (For most of my life, I didn't realize there was anything I could do.) So I've lived my entire life hiding my gender identity issues. And I have to tell you it has been absolutely exhausting.

I did see a gender therapist briefly a few years ago. And although I didn't stick with it, while I was seeing her it was such a relief just to have someone to talk with about things I had kept hidden for decades. I know you wrote you don't have money to see a therapist now. But perhaps at some point, should your financial circumstances change, you might want to consider doing so. In the meantime though, if there were any way to find someone with whom you could talk through what you are experiencing informally, you might find that helpful. Even if you could simply find someone, either here on PC or on a transgender forum, you could personal message with that might also be helpful I would think.

Beyond that, I'm not sure if I know what to tell you. The fact that you sometimes feel fine with your biological gender & sometimes feel terrible isn't necessarily significant I don't think. I've had that experience myself over the years. It may be a sign that your gender identity isn't all male or all female; that you actually fall somewhere in between on the gender identity spectrum. (I'm not familiar with all of the terminology that is in use today to identify different types of gender identity & sexual orientation perspectives. There are others, here on PC, who know a lot more about that than I do.) Your sexual orientation issues also don't, to my mind at least, have anything to do necessarily with your gender identity issues. They're really two separate concerns. I have always been heterosexual based on my assigned gender at birth. My own experience would actually have made more sense to me had I been gay, I think.

I, of course, don't know where you would see yourself going with this. Based on what you wrote it sounds as though you don't really have any idea yourself at this point. What I can tell you is that had I known, when I was young, what an effect my own gender identity issues would have throughout my life (and assuming I had had access to the kinds of services that are available today) I imagine I would have run toward transition. I think the important thing for me to say here though is that, whatever your gender identity & sexual orientation concerns may actually turn out to be, it's vital to begin to address them in whatever way possible as soon as possible. Continuing to try to fight this battle alone in your head is a prescription for ceaseless unhappiness & even despair. My best wishes to you...