I just don't understand

I'm nearly 40 and at such point in my life that I'm trying to face and close any and all issues I avoided / "forgot" / could not find the time and or strength to deal with. So, here's one of them I never spoke to anyone about before: How is it possible for a five year old boy brought up in a normal, Christian family, back in the days of no computer nor internet, no DVDs or VCRs, only two channels of black-and-white TV and no "adult magazines" or anything of the sort available to implant such notions, to fill notebook after notebook with drawings of naked women in sado-masochistic poses/scenes. How is it possible for his head to be filled with such "concepts" so he'd spend hours staring at a ceiling, imagining such scenarios? The Bible speaks of evil spirit possessions. I don't believe in reincarnation, much less of retantion of memories of some past life. Suppressed memories of someone's evil deeds? I have not a single recollection of anything related. But I know that before reaching that age I was hospitalized many times, sometimes for weeks and longer, far away from home and anyone familiar. Supposedly, one of the nurses liked me so much she would take me home for weekends; or so I've been told. This is the only setting I can think of where I would be exposed to strangers. But I remember nothing. But I remember which way my mind wondered since that time, long before I knew anything about sexuality, not to mention it's different avenues. Help, anyone?

Hello Oceanic: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know as I really have any answers to offer you with regard to your concerns. Perhaps something happened that your brain has suppressed. Perhaps not. I think this is something you would need to explore with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist should you wish to do so. While on that subject, though, here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that suggests memory isn't important to recover from trauma:

Memory Isn't Important to Recover from Trauma

I myself am 70 years old. So I also grew up no computers, no VCR's, no DVD's, etc. And I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria. I don't have much in the way of memories of my childhood prior to the age of 8. But of the few I have, most of them relate to this. And, like you, I've always wondered where this could have come from.

I know the current thinking that gender dysphoria is caused by hormonal processes that go array in utero. But I don't know if I really believe that... at least not in my case. What it has come down to for me, at this point, is simply to have to accept some things just can never be known. And this is one of them. Perhaps that is the way your situation is going to turn out for you? It may well be worth your time & effort to try to delve into how you learned to do what you did. But in the end, it's possible it will all simply end up being a mystery you will need to leave in the past.

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Welcome, Oceanic!