Is it possible I (34 m) denied my bi feelings due to my preteen sexual experiences

Where do I begin.. I suppose there is a lot in my post title to digest and wonder about.

Well the preteen experiences were with a teenage family friend. And I say they influenced because he along with others in my life (family and friends) used to bash gays or make fun of and use terms towards each other in a derogatory way. It was never ok to be gay the way they made it seem and act, not ok to like a guy, rude comments if guys kissed or anything in a movie, etc. And this teen let’s call him H was always a part of that and being one of the oldest in our friend circle he had more Influence and experience in peoples feelings. So it through me off when he made a move on me in a sexual manner. Him 16-17 me 11-12. Always one to bash and secretly he was gay or bi. It through me in a loop but I was also scared and pressured by his age and influence and threat of him telling others.

It started with him verbally trying to get me into it by talking about hot women but him whipping out his cock and asking if I like it and want to touch it like the woman in a movie we were watching that had a sex scene. I denied and and denied and then was promised to be gifted things and persuaded in ways to my “benefit” even those it was clearly in his benefit. I eventually gave in. Hjs eventually we’re convinced into bjs with him receiving, and me trying to convince him reciprocated touch me and blow me as well because I was feeling it all be one way. He did but not in the same effort or manner or frequency. I didn’t enjoy it then, it was forced and convinced and coerced. It eventually made me hate him, hate myself, and hate that part and side of me. I denied that I was bi and that it was only do to what he convinced me to do. And what I was culturally and religiously brought up with my peers and siblings. The way I was forced to think and be was straight only and that gay or bi was wrong. I hated myself and those moments and him and it made me look back on that for years.

Eventually I did have experiences with guys but mainly women but I still denied it and hated myself and him, I blamed him for influencing me but then I started to discover myself and maybe that is just me. Maybe I’m just bi, and maybe those experiences had a factor in that and maybe they didn’t. But I now self accept it and look at it as pleasure and a turn on and attraction to men and women rather then associating my bi side to the childhood experiences.

Self acceptance is huge and is a strong step forward anyone in their life discovering being bi, gay, straight, etc. You need to be happy with who you are before you can bring your true self to be open with others. Don’t deny who you are and want to be. Learn, discover, experience life and yourself and love yourself.

Not seeking acceptance or sympathy with my post just an experience to share and think about that may help others. I know childhood experiences can have lifelong experiences for people whether good, bad, traumatic, happy. It can live in your mind and influence you without you even knowing it.

I just try to enjoy life and everything in it now. It’s too short to live denying feelings or experiences or pleasure and fun. Discover yourself and share it with the world.

Hello bcbornleo: Thank you for sharing your experiences. And, since this is your first post here on PC, welcome to Psych Central. You may also find the LGBTQ+ forum to be of interest. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/lgbtq-support/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.