Having uncomfortable thoughts about a cousin, afraid to talk to a therapist about it

Hi PsychCentral

I just joined the forums so I could try talking about my issues, getting things off my chest, and getting advice from people who have similar problems.
At the moment, I'm struggling with depression and anxiety. I've been to therapy for it a few years ago, and my parents have convinced me to see another therapist.

However, I need to talk about a different issue today. While I don't usually have issues talking about my depression, I'm not so comfortable talking about issues regarding sexuality....which is bad, because I've been having exactly those kinds of issues. I have a younger female cousin (For reference, she's 16. And I'm 22, male) that I'm starting to have sexual/romantic thoughts about.

As you can imagine, her age, along with the fact that we're related, make me feel pretty uncomfortable and gross when I have these thoughts. If I could just block them out, I definitely would. Unfortunately, she did start developing....er, "womanly" features when she became a teenager, and it's become difficult not to notice them (especially since we go to the beach often whenever she visits, and her swimsuit shows off some skin).

Along with the sexual thoughts, I also sometimes have desires to be more physically affectionate with her, though not in a sexual/innappropriate way. I mean, being affectionate (i.e. hugs) is normal in our family, but the thoughts I have are more along the lines of being like....cuddly and romantic and stuff. Which wouldn't be an issue if this was some girl that I wasn't related to who was also closer to my age.

And the thing is, I don't have an incest fetish or anything like that. Whenever my cousin isn't around, I have absolutely no problems with being attracted to and having relationships with other girls (that are closer to my age and aren't related to me). In fact, 95% of the time, these thoughts aren't an issue, because my parents and I live in a different state than the rest of our family. My cousin and her mother drive over from out-of-state once a year to come visit during the summer, and my cousin will then stay with us for about a month afterwards. Its that one month visit that gives me hell every year because I have to live with her and battle these sexual thoughts.

The rest of the year, I feel like a completely normal human being, because she's out of sight, out of mind. I can focus on going to college, making friends, and pursuing relationships. But then she shows up in the middle of summer, when I'm not in school and have little to no social interaction. And I say I "pursue relationships", but truth be told, I'm actually kind of shy and lonely and have been single for a few years now. That problem is its own can of worms that I'd rather not get into right now. But essentially, it almost feels like my brain is registering my cousin as "the next best girl to get affection from" because I've been lonely for so long, and she just so happens to be young and attractive.

Also, just to throw this out there: I'm pretty sure I know what might be causing me to have these thoughts. When my cousin and I were children, we went through a small period where we would hide in the closet together and essentially "play doctor" together. Keep in mind, this was her idea, not mine. I went along with it because....well, I was a 12/13-year old boy going through puberty and having curiosities, and I hadn't discovered the internet/porn yet. So when she offered to show me her...lady parts, I couldn't help but be curious. We didn't engage in any touching or putting private parts where they don't belong. Just looking.

Eventually I started getting afraid that we would get caught, so one day I asked if we could stop doing that. It wasn't until a few years later that I realized how messed up the whole ordeal was, and I felt awful about it. And now that she's older and more "developed", my brain feels the need to sexualize her again. I've got two childhood friends that I told this story to. One of them has even had a similar experience with one of his relatives (though he doesn't seem to let himself be as bothered by it). But both of them agree that my problems probably stem from that experience, since sexual experiences tend to stick with you like that if they happen when you're young.

In any case, I'd like to have a normal, decent relationship with my cousin, but these thoughts keep getting in the way. We get along just fine, and I've always managed to be a good older-brother figure to her. She still loves hanging out and playing video games with me, just like she did when she was a kid. But I just can't be around her without feeling disgusted with myself because of these thoughts. They're not strong impulses; I'm not afraid that I'm going to act on them or anything. But they make me feel uncomfortable nonetheless.

Thankfully, I don't think she has noticed me having any of these problems. I have a tendency to be self-conscious about what people think of me, and I've asked her multiple times if I come off as "creepy" to her, or if I make her uncomfortable whenever I get really "huggy" or affectionate, and she always tells me everything is fine. And she's never brought up the "incidents" we had a children either. Though, if we're being completely honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she had her own mental health issues regarding that stuff, and maybe she just doesn't know how to talk about it.. BUT, as far as I can tell without asking her too many questions or digging too deep, the problem lies entirely within my own head.

The thing is, I know that I should probably talk to a therapist about it, but I'm afraid to. Like I said, my parents have already convinced me to start looking for another therapist. Which is fine, but they're probably going to have me see a more "general purpose" therapist for my depression/anxiety. They don't know about any "sexual" issues that I'm having, and I certainly don't want to tell them about it. So, chances are, I probably won't be getting a therapist who is experienced in dealing with sex-related issues.

Also, I know therapists and psychologists in general are usually required to have a privacy policy where they promise to not tell anyone about the things you talk about in therapy unless they think you're a danger to yourself or others.But that's the thing; what if I get a therapist who is afraid I might act on these impulses? I don't think I would, but they might not agree. They might think I'm going to try "coming onto" my cousin, and warn my parents about it. And that's the last thing I want. I just want to learn how to fight this problem and learn how to overcome it without anyone in my family ever finding out that I had these thoughts in the first place. The depression and anixety I deal with (which are unrelated to this whole ordeal) are bad enough when she's not around. But at least those things feel more like normal issues for a young guy in college to be dealing with. These sexual thoughts, on the other hand, make me feel like some sort of deviant/pervert. I hate the fact that I can go through most of the year feeling like a normal person with relatively normal issues (at least as far as mental health is concerned), only to get to the summer and have to remind myself that I'm a pervert who has the hots for his underage cousin.

Sorry that this ended up being a wall of text. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know that forums like these aren't a replacement for real psychological help, but I thought it would make me feel better if I talked about this anonymously first, especially since there might be people here who can relate to my situation.

Hello Nerowe: Since this is your first post, here on PC, welcome to Psych Central. And thank you for sharing your concern here.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. (By the way, just for context, I thought I would mention I'm a 71 year old man.) I have to tell you I think this is all just pretty normal guy stuff. And although my inclination is to add: "especially for someone your age" my experience tells me it doesn't necessarily change all that much as a guy gets older. (The part about "playing doctor" is, in my opinion, kids' stuff... born of youthful curiosity.)

You're not going to do anything about the thoughts you're having. You're just feeling embarrassed, guilty & somewhat ashamed that you're having the thoughts you're having. But really, like I said, the thoughts you're having are pretty normal guy stuff in my experience. And, if you can look at it like that & perhaps even laugh it off as just being the way evolution has caused guys' brains to work, then it can perhaps be easier to simply let it go. The danger here, to the extent there is any, is in continuing to ruminate over this & allowing it to turn into some huge problem.

You mentioned the idea of talking to the therapist you'll be seeing about this along with your concerns regarding doing so. Talking about it with your T may help should you decide to do so. Sometimes having the opportunity to talk about stuff like this just helps to "clear the air" so to speak. You also mentioned wanting to find some way to fight & overcome the problem. I'm not a mental health professional. But my personal opinion is you can't fight & overcome something like this. In fact that's probably the easiest way I know of to make it grow. The way to deal with this sort of thing, from my perspective, is simply to accept it for what it is & allow the thoughts to arise-&-fade at their own pace. When the thoughts come you can breathe into them & smile to them. You can even place a hand over your heart as a sign of compassion for them. This is a practice that is referred to as compassionate abiding. Here's a link to a description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

And then here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help too:

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

A Technique for Feeling Painful Feelings

When You're Scared of Feeling Your Feelings

Shame, When You're Too Ashamed to Talk About It

https://psychcentral.com/blog/buildi...o-shame/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...tuck-thoughts/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bounc...s-of-analysis/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.