Worried about suppressed sexual turn-ons??

[[Advice Needed]]

Hi all,

So I am finding myself in the need of some advice. How does one stop themselves from being turned on by things that they know aren't good for them?

My problem, I am really interested and attracted to some of the dominance and submissive traits and dynamics in BDSM lifestyle. I get turned on by unbalanced dynamics of power play in sexual situations. That in itself isn't really the issue I find myself facing though.

There are plenty of people who participate in BDSM lifestyles such as doms and subs in a healthy way and that are well versed or educated in their sexual lives. My concern is, me trying to partake in such healthy, sane, and consensual acts with someone who isn't in alignment with that and is actually someone looking to abuse under the guise of a proper healthy dom.

My concerns are that I either will attract the wrong kind of people and get hurt and find myself in a unhealthy relationship that I am unwilling to leave or unable to see red flags. I'm concerned that it'll start as a safe consensual thing and I wouldn't be able to notice when the lines begin to blur or that I will turn a blind eye to it because of my people pleasing tendencies. I'm afraid of what'll happen if I am unintentionally triggered a traumatic response. My concern is, I could continue to ignore this part of my sexuality that turn me on and then get in a normal relationship and once things get rough one time during sex, we slip into this unofficial kind of bdsm thing because I tried to ignore it and now I'm in this weird sexual relationship with my partner where the lines are not as clear and blurred.

Help please? Lol

Hey Kismetie,

I understand the sexual fantasy/turn on that you are talking about because I too love to be dominated in the bedroom as well. I met my wife (we're both females) almost 13 years ago so the BDSM culture wasn't at everyone's fingertips as it is today and had to be really searched for (or at least that's how it was for me anyways). Luckily for me, my wife is by nature more dominating in the bedroom which works well for us. She is willing to do things I ask and she knows when to stop when I've had enough. However, I know it's not common to just find a relationship that happens to work out like mine and I advise that it's not the best approach to go into a relationship and then just spring it on someone. It is something that needs to be talked about and it needs to be something both parties are comfortable with before engaging in it together.

It is not an uncommon fantasy/turn on or there wouldn't be such a big subculture. If it causes you distress or it is something you don't like I would suggest you see a therapist about this. However, if it is not causing distress and you are just trying to figure out how to get into a relationship that could potentially be one I'd suggest looking into local groups in your area and start to become active in it. I don't think it's safe to just throw an ad out on the internet or search just random hookup sites and hope for the best because that is when you usually get the sickos and the ones that just want to hurt people regardless of the other person (there are real sickos out there looking to prey on people). In actual/legit BDSM groups people talk to each other and know about other members so they probably (not always though) don't allow them to be active participants in their groups.

Having that kind of dynamics with anyone relies on trust, and a lot of trust. You have to feel like you can communicate with them in not just your likes and dislikes, but when you've had enough as well. Plus you have to trust that your partner can read you and push the limits, but also knows when to stop before they go to far. I think your concerns are very legit and are things to worry about so don't dismiss them just so you can find someone to help fulfill these fantasies. The only thing I can really suggest is to look into groups in your area or on local forums so you can start to get into the lifestyle more. I know I didn't have the best advice, but I hope it kind of helped. Best wishes and lots of hugs